Never let me down
by Emme019
Summary: Finnick and Johanna's story during Catching Fire and Mockinjay. The 'behind the scenes', why they are who they are in the books.
1. Chapter 1

There's a knock on my door and I know in an instant who it is. Who else would show up right after I've arrived at the training centre in the Capitol? I sigh and get of my bed to unlock the door.

He's leaning against the wall, hands tying and untying knots in a little rope, eyes cast down but with a grin on his face. "Hey princess."

I slap him on his arm. "It's not because you consider yourself royalty that I do too, Finnick."

I say it with an angry voice but a smile appears on my face and I let him in.

"Well no, but you're my best friend and when you're best friends with royalty it makes you royalty too," he says while making himself comfortable on my bed. "How have you been?"

I just shrug and walk over to the bathroom but I leave the door open. "Same as everyone except for Brutus and Enobaria. It sucks. I feel miserable but at least I'm one of the few Victors who is capable of hiding that particular feeling. How have you been?"

I look at him in the mirror while applying a thick layer of mascara. He says nothing for several minutes. He just stares at my ceiling, his hands folded under his head.

"Hmm," I say, putting the brush back in the tube of mascara, "guess you're not that good at hiding that particular feeling as I am. But then again, when have you ever beaten me?"

I turn around and smile, my hands on my hips, showing off my body and face. "How do I look?"

He lifts his head a little and looks at me, his lips sticking forward as if he's thinking really hard what to say. "You look like someone who could win the Hunger Games twice. And for the record, I have beaten you several times at…stuff. But I won't beat you in these Hunger Games."

I grab one of my sweaters of the drawer and throw it at his head. "Stop being so miserable about being a tribute again and just tell me how I look."

"Do you even care if you look good or not?" he asks me. "I thought you didn't even try anymore. You know, to look good on your dates."

I roll my eyes at him. "I still don't. I'm just trying to get your mind off things and to fucking answer my question!"

He jumps off the bed and walks over to where I stand. "You look good, Jo. Just…"

"What? What is it?"

"Your hair. It doesn't go with that dress like this."

"What the hell? It's just hanging loose. What's the matter with that?"

"I told you, it doesn't go with the dress! This dress has no back so I would, if I was your date, prefer your hair to be up. You have a nice back, so show it."

I stare at him in amazement. "Since when have you become my stylist, Odair?"

He smirks and puts his hands on my arms to turn me around. "Let me just fix your hair for you."

Five minutes later and my dark brown hair is up. It does look nicer although I would never admit this out loud. Finnick sees is anyway. He knows I like it more now. I turn around again when he speaks.

"Why do you have a date now? I mean, the tribute parade is like, in four hours or so. Where are your stylist and escort?"

I sigh and grab my purse. "I guess no one really thinks I'll survive these Hunger Games so they want to have me while they still can. They gave me a list of all the people who have 'reserved' me. I had to pick one for every day. So, I'll be back in an hour. Okay?"

He looks at me, his eyes drowning in pity. "Don't look at me like that, Odair. It is how it is."

"Not for long if everything goes well," he says while tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.

"When has anything gone well in my life, huh?" I say with a chuckle. "Anyway, after my date, I want to cut my hair. Turn into the ruthless killer I once was."

I give him a peck on his cheek and wave goodbye as I leave for my date. Before the door falls into its hinges, I hear Finnick shout "You may not have killed people in the last six years but you're still ruthless, princess!"

Before I close the door completely, I turn around and peek my head around it. "And, fix my hair? Really? You're such a girl sometimes, Odair!"

"Been spending a lot of time with them. Girl rubs off on me," he answers before coming over to close the door himself.

_Right, make yourself at home_, I think.

* * *

"Come on, Jo. You really want to cut your hair? It's so nice like this, so long. I like it!" Finnick says while letting his hands touch my hair.

I'm sitting in a chair, ready for him to cut my locks . This time, I insisted he cut it. I didn't want my prep team to do it. Let them have the shock of their lives in thirty minutes.

"Snow likes it too this long. That's why I'm cutting it," I answer.

He drops the scissors immediately and rushes over to the other side of the chair so he faces me.

"What?" he shouts. "Snow will want to kill you if he finds out you did this to infuriate him!"

I smirk. "Seriously? He has wanted to kill me ever since I entered my arena. I guess now he actually found a way to do it: by putting me in the arena with Victors who are much stronger than me."

He looks at me with a confused look on his face. "What's the matter with you? Since when don't you consider yourself the strongest, the smartest, the best?"

"What's the matter with _you_? Since when have you become my mother? Seriously Finnick, stop worrying about me, stop fixing my hair, just stop hovering! Now cut my freaking hair!"

"No! If you want your hair short so president Snow won't like it anymore, that's fine. But I won't be responsible for your death, do you hear me?"

He looks at me with the same look Effie Trinket always has on her face whenever her tributes show no respect to 'manners'. It would be incredibly funny if it wouldn't be this serious.

"Please Finnick, don't sugarcoat yourself. You're already responsible for my upcoming death, just as I am responsible for yours. We weren't supposed to be this close, we weren't supposed to be best friends. Snow didn't want this and we knew it yet we continued our late-night drinks and our endless phone-calls when we were apart. So if you didn't want to be responsible for my death, you should've walked away six years ago."

Right when we are in the middle of our angry-staring-at-each-other my prep-team and escort come in. "Out, Finnick," Belli shouts while she makes weird hand-gestures at the door, "Your prep-team is waiting on your own floor. Not that you need to be prepped…" she adds with a little wink. I just roll my eyes at him and he smiles. Argument long forgotten.

"Guess what you're wearing, Johannaaaa!" Belli asks me a little bit too enthusiastically after Finnick has left the room. I swear, if I roll my eyes at everything my escort says, they would've fallen out a long long time ago!

My prep-team is holding up a huge hanger with a bag on it that has weird bulges. Of course, a tree.

"Oh please, I'd rather go naked!"

Belli clicks with her tongue. "No dear, I know most Victors aren't prudish but some new Victors might feel a little uncomfortable. They're so fresh, they haven't even been spending much time in the Capitol so …" she trails off but my mind is already working overtime.

"Excuse me, Belli!" I shout while heading towards the elevator as quick as I can. I ignore all the angry yells and screams they throw at my head and push on the button that says '4'.

"Johanna? What..?" Finnick says when he sees me coming out of the elevator, a wide grin plastered on my face.

"Wanna have some fun, Odair?" I simply ask.

"What do you have in mind, miss Mason?"

"I don't know, we could have a little bit of fun with the newbies, Katniss and her loverboy. Want to put money on who she hates more by the end of the day?"

His grin widens and so does mine. We know each other so well we could've been identical twins. With weird mind-reading and such.

"Oh please, keep your clothes on this time!" he says, as if disgusted.

I take my face closer to his and narrow my eyes, smile still lingering on my lips. "I have my ways, you have yours, _Sugar_." putting emphasis on the last word.

"Oh my god!" Finnick's escort chimes in dramatically, "That would be such a scandal! Panem's most loved couple leaving each other for Panem's most seductive two-some! Oh, the gossip, the gossip!"

Finnick and I look at each other in confusion and burst out in laughter. "See you in an hour, Finn!" I say when walking towards the elevator, still laughing.

* * *

I see Finnick walking over to Katniss, who looks very destructive by the way. She makes me want to take my freaking fucking ugly clothes off this instant. For the obvious reason that she _looks_ destructive and I don't although I am definitely the most destructive and vicious of all the women contributing. I look like a freaking tree and Finnick looks like a freaking fish caught in a net. Why the hell would Cinna pick District 12? Ugh!

Finnick leans casually against a horse and gets closer to Katniss with every word he says, every once in a while popping a sugar cube in his mouth. She obviously feels uncomfortable but I know I can do better, I'm just waiting for the right moment.

Finnick comes over to me, raising his eyebrows as if asking _Well, how did I do?_. I just laugh mockingly.

"Okay," he says, "then show me your thing. Come on, go!"

"No," I answer, "I'll just wait for the right moment." While I say it, I pat his cheek with my flat hand.

He grabs my wrist before I can slap a little harder, like I always do, and asks me when that right moment is.

"Well, look at them. After the tribute parade, they will be full of themselves because of all the success. _That's_ the right moment. Just watch and learn, little Odair."

My escort and stylist call me to go to my carriage so I turn around and do as they say but not before giving a mischievous glance towards Peeta. Finnick chuckles and makes his way over to his carriage where Mags is already standing. It's sad actually. Mags is such an old lady, one of the only Victors who still have my respect, and there's she clad in the same net as Finnick. I suppose she doesn't really care. She volunteered for Annie, she wants to give her life to make Finnick happy so why would she care? She's old enough to die so why not die for a good cause? I would've done the same as her. Finnick may mean a lot to her but he means a lot to me too so I would've volunteered to take Annie's place as well. Mags probably did it to protect Annie. I would do it to protect Finnick. With Annie in the arena, Finnick wouldn't stand a chance; he would give his life for her from the very first second. I sigh.

"You nervous?" Blight asks me when I have mounted the carriage.

I glare at him. "Me? Seriously? If you don't know anything smarter to say, than you should just shut up." He shrugs at my answer and looks at Katniss and Peeta in their glowing catsuits.

"They look good!" he says.

I let out a frustrated groan. "Like I said: shut up!"

The parade begins and I must admit I feel a little bit proud hearing my name a lot. Not as often as Katniss' or Peeta's but that's just because they're the new ones and without each other, they're nothing. I on the other hand, am an individual, not a pair with someone else. I smile arrogantly at that thought.

When I get off my carriage, I pass by Haymitch and give him a high five with an mocking but still well-meant 'Congratulations, this is the very first time I see you this sober'.

"How did I do?" Finnick asks when I arrive at his carriage and he had to push through the crowd surrounding him to get to me.

"Terrific, sweetheart. Mommy's so proud of you!" I say with a peck on his cheek.

He pushes me aside. "Shut up, Jo. Don't be this scornfully."

"Don't ask stupid questions."

"Deal. So, when's your big moment?"

"You'll have to wait for it just a little bit longer."

We just continue talking for the next ten minutes until I see Katniss and her crew leave for the elevators so I nudge Finnick and nod towards them.

"Now?" he asks. I nod again and follow them casually, Finnick right beside me.

I hurry a little bit so I'm walking right next to Katniss and start talking animatedly about girly stuff like clothing (not really the perfect moment to throw my 'fashionable' headband away but anyway). Even the topic of conversation makes her uncomfortable. It's like she hates everything that says 'girl'. Fine, I'm not that girly myself but I do care about fashion and stuff. The good fashion, that is, not the thing my stylist considers fashion. But she is just so…I don't know… oblivious, innocent, stupid. I glance sideways and see Finnick raising his eyebrows, questioning if this is my 'big moment'. When we're all waiting for the elevator to come, I decide this is the right time so I unzip my dress, which is supposed to resemble a tree, and let it fall to the ground. I see Katniss cheeks turn scarlet red and have to suppress a smirk. I notice even Peeta has to keep himself from laughing at Katniss' face. Peeta. Bingo. When a loud _ping!_ announces the arrival of the elevator, I make sure I'm in the same one as they are and start talking to Peeta about his paintings (Finnick told me Peeta's specialty was painting) and watch amusedly how furious Katniss is getting. Mission accomplished. Pay up, Odair.

* * *

After having stared at the ceiling of my bedroom for the past 45 minutes, I decide to go to the roof of the training centre. I have the feeling there might be some other tributes there but I don't care. It's not like I am going to run into them, the roof is big enough. I'm glad with my decision to bring a blanket with me, it's quite chilly this night. I drape the blanket around my shoulders as I walk over to the edge at the north side of the rooftop. Finnick, Haymitch, Chaff and I made it our little place. It's pretty well hidden although there's a bench, a table and a liquor cabinet. This dates from five years back. Haymitch and Chaff never came here again: they were too busy having drinks downstairs which caused them to be too drunk to be able to get up here. So it became the place of just Finnick and me. Tonight, it appears, I'll be the only one sitting here so I open the cabinet and take out a bottle of my favorite liquor. I'm not drinking with the cause of getting drunk, just to have something to do. I settle myself comfortably on the bench and look up. I wish the Capitol had thought of putting stars in the sky. I mean, they can control everything so why not the sky? With their so-called 'eye for beauty', they should've thought about that.

After an hour or so, I hear footsteps behind me so I turn around only to look at a very colorful Finnick. I raise my eyebrows. "Thought you didn't have a date tonight." I say.

He nods several times, takes my feet of the bench and puts them in his lap when he's sitting down as well. "Turns out I did. She was part of the prep team for District 10."

"I noticed," I say, pointing to his face which is painted with purple flowers.

I start laughing and he joins me immediately. "I know, it's ridiculous. But I wanted to show you. _How do I look_?" he says, quoting me from prior this day. I kick my foot in his face but he pulls his head back so I miss.

"Jo, why did you dress up so nicely this afternoon?" he asks with a serious face, his hands firm around my feet.

I cast my eyes down. "I wanted to look nice when I still could. That's the truth."

"That's the truth?"

"Would I lie to you?" I ask, my eyes piercing his. He shakes his head.

I shift my whole body so my feet are at the other side of the bench and my head is resting on his shoulder. "Since we are being sentimental, can I ask you a question?"

"Shoot."

"What will you miss the most?"

"You mean when we're in the arena and there's a very big chance we'll die in there?"

I nod.

He seems to think about it a very long time. Such a long time that I'm starting to think he has fallen asleep. When I lift up my head, I see his eyes are still open and he's trying to rub off the flowers on his face. I suppose he doesn't want to answer the question and start to lighten the mood again. "My complements to the prep-girl. She sure knows which make-up is the most resistant!" I say with a laugh and start rubbing his cheeks. He suddenly answers my question.

"I'll miss the ocean, the freedom of water, the destructive force of it. I'll miss my family. I'll miss –"

"Yeah, I get it. You'll miss a lot. But what will you miss _the most_?"

"I'll miss the girl I love the most." he answers while turning his head to face me.

"Annie," I breathe with a hint of a smile on my lips.

He looks at the sky for a moment or two before he says anything.

"The weird thing is that I don't know who I'm referring to."

I look at him, confusion very clearly on my face.

"I don't know if I mean Annie or you, Jo."

The confused look becomes even more apparent now and I have absolutely no idea what to say or what to think.

"Listen. I love Annie. I do. But I love you too. As my best friend, yes, but also something more. I don't know how to explain this the right way but there's a very big difference between those two loves. I love Annie because she needs me, I'm like the only medicine that works for her…episodes. And I love her for her innocence, her fairness. And then there's you, who is supposed to be _just_ my best friend. You and your arrogance, bluntness, dark humor, aggression. You're the complete opposite of Annie. And yet, you fit me too. It's like I'm made up of two parts: one part that matches Annie and one part that matches you."

"Double personality? They call it schizophrenia." is the only thing I can come up with right now.

He sighs. "Johanna, I don't understand it myself. Well, I do actually but I don't know how to explain it. Annie's just…gone. I mean, she comes back a lot of times and then she's my Annie again but most of the time, she's somewhere else where I can't reach her. And you are always within reach. Whenever I need you, you're there. Whether it's on the phone or in real life, you're always there. No one knows you this way. You're the same person with me as you are with other people but you're more open. I get to see underneath that cold, hard layer of cruelty. And guess what, you might not know it but you have a great personality. You're dark and twisted, yes, but you're a great girl and I love you for … all of that!"

"Could you please stop with the corniness? You make me want to vomit. Prep-girl fed you a love potion?" I say with a smile on my face.

I do hate his cheesy speech but I don't hate the meaning of it. Not at all. It had taken me a long time to realize that I felt more towards Finnick than just friendship but I never told him because a) it didn't seem fair to Annie because she wouldn't be here to defend what's hers and b) I wasn't sure how I would drop the bomb. But now, I didn't have to because he already blew up the whole village, (continuing my metaphor).

"You really hate what I just said?" he says hesitantly.

"Why do you think I put up with your boyish tantrums and stupid topics of conversation for so long? Do you really think I would have stuck around if I didn't love you? God, you can be so oblivious, Odair!" I say laughing.

He smiles back at me and pushes my head back on his shoulder so he can rest his head on mine. I feel him smiling against the top of my head. I shift so I can face him and before I can register what I'm even doing, what _we_'re even doing, I'm pressing my lips against his, my hand resting on his cheek and his around my waist to hold me steady. I have been dreaming of this moment for a very long time but I always knew it would stay that, a dream. Yet here I am, kissing my best friend as if my life depended on it. It took our death sentence to realize what we felt for each other. I have to give thanks to Snow for this. I feel Finnick deepen our kiss and I feel nothing but happiness for the first time in six years.


	2. Chapter 2

"Oh please don't tell me this is what I think it is! Mason? Odair?"

An angry voice is trying to penetrate my mind but I won't let it. Just for a few seconds, I want to be right where I am, on a bench on top of the training centre in Finnick's arms. If I could just pretend that I'm still asleep, I could be a girl for a few moments longer, just a simple vulnerable girl.

I hear Finnick grumble something while Haymitch is still producing a strain of curse words. "Shht," I say while I nudge Finnick with my right arm, "just ignore him. Maybe he'll go away."

"Like hell I will, Mason!" Haymitch shouts.

I peer through my eyelashes and see Haymitch standing in front of us with his hands on his hips.

"What's your problem, Abernathy?" I grumble while shooting him a furious look.

"My problem is that two of our _favorite_ Victors missed the medical check-up!"

With that he meant that we missed the rebel-meeting, in case someone was eavesdropping. Whatever, I had better things to do than hearing that I have protect that idiotic girl with my life again. Apparently, Haymitch knew exactly what I was thinking.

"But you obviously couldn't be bothered with the check-up because you were _obviously_ examining each other!"

I felt my cheeks getting redder by the second.

"Oh go get drunk and leave us be!" I shout at him.

"No, he's right actually. We shouldn't have missed the check-up." Finnick says while getting up.

I can sense he's not alright, definitely not the same Finnick as last night. I shoot him a confused and angry look and when he turns his head I see his eyes are drowning in guilt. Great.

Now that Haymitch has gotten proof that we are actually planning on getting up and going downstairs, he just huffs and leaves. I keep sitting on the bench, waiting for Finnick to say something. He doesn't but he puts out his hand to pull me up. We head towards the exit in silence but once we're in the elevator and he pushes the button that says 4, I open my mouth to ask why not 7 but he cuts me off as if he knew what I was going to say. "It's our first day back which means breakfast at my floor, remember?" Right. I nod.

When we enter the dining room on the fourth floor, my escort is already sipping from her cup of tea and talking animatedly with Finnick's escort. My stylist is giving her opinion about some dress Mags' stylist had made but apparently, the two do not agree. The scene in front of me is so familiar. Ever since my first year of mentoring, Finnick had invited me and my escort and stylist to have breakfast at his floor. The next day it was my floor's turn. We continued spending our mornings together like this for the last five years. Even our Avoxes knew the drill by now and I wave at the kind blonde Avox who always brings me a hot cup of cacao before I go to bed.

Even before I can sit down on my chair, the _ping_ of the elevator announces someone's arrival and I turn around only to look at president Snow himself. I have the urge to say 'What do you want?' but I force myself to rephrase it and ask "President Snow, what a surprise! To what do we owe the pleasure of your company?"

He gives me one of his disgusting smiles. "I heard you and Mr. Odair were missing so I wanted to see for myself you two were OK. Now, are you OK or should I be worried about your absence last night?"

Finnick and I look at each other, confusion all over our faces. We have always been very good actors.

"We were just out last night, like we always do when we're in the Capitol. We don't have that many clubs in our Districts, you know." I say with a chuckle. Apparently, he doesn't buy it.

"Unfortunately for you miss Mason, I have checked with every bartender and no one saw you two last night. Why are you lying to me, your president?"

Eh, because you're a selfish bastard who I will kill one day with my bare hands and because I just love lying to you?

"Because we were in disguise," Finnick says, "We just didn't want to be bothered, just wanted to have some fun."

"But you are Victors! Why wouldn't you want to be recognized?"

The tension in the room is getting harder and harder to ignore and president Snow just keeps on smiling while the rest of us is holding our breath. I can tell he knows we're lying, I just hope for our sakes he doesn't know where we really were.

"Have a nice day." He says while turning around to go back to the elevator. After he's left, I run off to Finnick's bathroom, mumbling something about washing up.

When I'm in there, I sit down on the edge of the tub, desperately trying to stop my hands from trembling. I don't have anything to lose but Finnick does so if Snow knows… if he knows… I can feel a panic attack forming inside of me but Finnick enters the bathroom just in time to pull me into a hug and calm me down with soothing words.

"He scares me, Finn. He just freaking scares me. And I can't tell anyone because everyone believes I'm the girl who's never afraid of anything. I'm the hardcore Victor, like I should belong in District 1 or 2. But I'm afraid of Snow and the only way to stop it, is to kill him myself. I want to kill him, for everything he has done to me, for everything he has done to you. I'd kill him for you too, you know that right?"

I look up with tears in my eyes, unable to really shed them. Finnick just stares back and nods. "I'd kill him for you too, Jo."

* * *

"So, now that you two have found the time to attend our meeting, we can discuss how we are going to proceed," Haymitch says once Finnick and I are in an old locker room nearby the previous training room. This is where most of our meetings take place; we switch rooms rapidly because it's makes it harder to be discovered.

"What did you discuss this morning, when Johanna and I … forgot to come?" Finnick asks Haymitch.

"Everyone vowed to risk their lives to save Katniss and Peeta," Haymitch answers bluntly.

"What?!" I shout, "Since when has _committing suicide_ become part of the plan?"

"Johanna, shut your mouth for once in your life, will you!" Haymitch shouts back at me. "This is not about committing suicide but when the time comes that it's either you or Katniss or Peeta, the choice is easily made: you die." he continues.

"Oh no no no no no. No. Remember the time when _I_ was the face of the rebellion? Huh? When_ I_ was our most fearless rebel? Well, do you? _I_ had to give that up, give it to that stupid cow. I lived for the rebellion, I sacrificed everything for the rebellion, I continued to whore myself out for the rebellion. I had something to live for! And now I'm just another middle-of-the-road rebel who can easily be missed and replaced. So if you're asking me to give up my freedom, my life, for her too, I won't. If you want them to live that badly, fine, enter the arena yourself. I apparently don't matter enough anymore. I'm merely a shield. A defense. I'm supposed to be the attacker, not the defender! I-"

"Jo, that's enough." Finnick interferes.

I throw him a furious look and leave the room, not without kicking a chair and slamming the door shut with a loud bang combined with a strain of curses. After five minutes our ranting and raving outside the room, I enter it again very calmly.

"So," I ask, still very calm, "what's new?"

Finnick only needs to give me one look to tell me he has made the vow too. And I also know why: because he wants to give Annie a better life.

"Fine. I vow too. I, Johanna Mason, Victor of the 69th Hunger Games and Panem's most hated genius, vow to risk my much appreciated and useful life to save our dear huntress and her loverboy _slash_ bakerboy. Will this do?"

"Why are you mocking this, Johanna?" Finnick asks me.

"First of all, I meant what I said, the vowing and stuff. And secondly, if I'm not allowed to mock I might as well be dead. Not that you all care. Only Katniss' life matters to you."

"You know that's not true, Johanna," Haymitch says, using my first name to emphasize the empathy in his voice.

"I don't know anything anymore. Come on Odair, we needed to be at the training centre five minutes ago."

* * *

I grumble ever so lightly when Finnick drags me upstairs to our place at the top of the training centre, his hand tightly gripping my arm. I realize my moodswings are getting way out of hand but this is me, no one else should expect anything different. When we get up on the roof, I notice the sun has almost set completely.

"What the hell is the matter with you, Johanna?" Finnick yells once we have arrived at our bench.

"Nothing is the matter. Can I just be pissed about my life right now? Thank you very much."

I rub the spot where his hand had gripped my arm. It's bruised and turning purple already.

"If it bothers you that much to give your life for the rebellion, for your freedom, than why did you vow to do it?"

"You really, honestly, think I did it for the rebellion? I did it for _you_, you idiot. Because you asked me to. I'm risking my life because my best friend, the only man I've ever loved, _asked me to_!"

I can feel my eyes burning, not with tears but with the fire of rage that's running through my veins.

"Why did you listen to me, huh?" Finnick asks me, throwing his hands in the air as if he really doesn't understand why I did it. "You are Johanna Mason. You listen to no one. I expect you to be the girl you always were!"

"I'm sorry, aren't you supposed to give a peptalk about killing myself? Because if you are, you're not really succeeding: first you ask me to do it and now you're asking me why I ever listened to you, why I changed my mind. You know what Finnick, if you expect me to be the girl I always was, well, you got it."

And with that, I bowed, smiled arrogantly and walked away before he could stop me. I know what I need and head towards the place I can find everything.

* * *

I throw a couple of Capitol notes in the driver's lap and get out of the Capitol Cab. Neon letters are saying 'FabCap', for Fabulous Capitol. I enter the club and turn heads immediately. I ignore the nosy questions from superficial Capitol girls and walk straight to the bar where the pink-haired bartender puts my drink on as soon as I arrive. "Evening miss Mason," he says, "You look good in that black dress. Where did you get it?"

"Like you care. This may be the Capitol but men are still not supposed to wear black mini-dresses."

He shrugs and turns his attention to a new costumer, a boy with brown curls who looks about my age. He's obviously born in the Capitol, I can tell from the large golden tattoo on the side of his neck. I must admit, it looks good on him. It's some weird, curly, flowery thing. Anyway, it looks good on him and the way his eyes keep flickering back to me, he must think the same about my dress, or hair, or face. Before the Victor-Johanna, I would've never dared to go out in public in a dress like this. Way too short, way too black, way too much leg showing. But now I don't care anymore. The Johanna from before the Victor-Johanna doesn't exist anymore. This morning, the last piece of the before-Johanna had vanished.

"Give her something too," I hear the brown-haired boy say.

"That '_her'_ has a name, moron." I say, waving my now empty glass at the bartender.

"That '_moron'_ has a name too, Johanna" the boy echoes me.

"Whatever. I just call you Golden Boy, for your tattoo, you know."

"Golden Boy. Isn't that how you call your so-called best friend?"

I don't like the way he says those last two words. There's too much contempt in it. The pink-haired bartender puts another drink in front of me and I empty it in one big gulp.

"Weren't you buying me a drink?" I ask the guy. Golden Boy just smirks, thinking he has won this one.

After sixty minutes and in total five of my favorite cocktails, Golden Boy and I are dancing as if our lives depended on it. Elias – he told me his name at our fourth drink – is actually quite charming. He told me a lot about his life here, his parents and his school which was apparently filled with Escorts-to-be. His role-model is Cinna, the District 12 stylist. I can't really blame him: Cinna's hot and so are his clothes, literally and figuratively. He also told me he hated me when I started my games, even after I had won them, but his mother had spilled the deeds about my life right now which caused him to see me in a whole new perspective.

His hands are all over my body as I we are making our way through the crowd, lips locking every once in a while. It's been too long since I've gone out like this: drinking, dancing, picking up the hottest guy. I realize how slutty this is but everyone needs this sometimes. Just to remember yourself that you're still just a normal girl, that _you_ get to pick the guy sometimes too, that it's not always the guy who picks (and pays for) you.

Elias' hand is tangled up in my hair while his other is on my hip, following my movements. We bump into some people without apologizing, just laughing, thinking we're the most sexy couple on the dancefloor. Until we bump into the real Golden Boy, Finnick, and a woman who looks about forty with rainbow-colored hair.

"Having fun, are we?" Finnick asks, gritting his teeth.

"Actually, I am. Have you met Golden Boy II yet?" I say while holding Elias' hand in mine.

Elias smiles arrogantly but friendly. "It's Elias. Nice to meet you." He holds out his other hand but Finnick doesn't shake it, in fact his eyes never leave mine.

"You're drunk."

"Whoow. 0-1 for District 4!"

"Come on, let's get you home."

"Who's Little Miss Rainbow?"

"My date for the night. I thought you had yours this afternoon?"

"I did. This one's for fun."

Elias and Finnick's date are eyeing us curiously, trying to make sense of our conversation. Not that it's that difficult to get but most Capitol citizens don't know about the prostitution business, apart from Elias of course. But he's just trying to figure out where Finnick and I are exactly, since he referred to him as 'my best friend' and we're obviously fighting right now.

Finnick's eyebrows shoot up at my last sentence and I can't help but laugh at it.

"For fun, huh. What…happened to … the roof?" he asks hesitantly.

"The roof is dying, Finnickins. Why bother waiting for its last breath?"

There it is. Now he knows I'm still pissed about the fact that I have to die for Katniss and Peeta.

"Some people like to fight for something like the roof."

"Yeah, some people do. Too bad you gave up already. Now, would you excuse me? I'd like to go back to my date-for-fun."

I turn around and am headed towards the bar where Elias is now standing with two drinks in his hand. I grab mine and pour it out over Finnick's head as soon as I feel his hand tightening around my arm.

"Too bad you still don't see the warning signs, Odair. It's my life, let me enjoy what's left of it."

People gasp at the sight of a soaking wet Finnick. Seventy-five percent of the women in this club looks at me as if they want to kill me, really slowly, but I don't care.

Finnick leaves the club and I desperately try to gain back the fun I had earlier on but it's no use. An hour later, I'm sitting in the elevator which is taking me to the fourth floor. The doors open but I can't get myself together to stand up so I just keep sitting there, watching the doors close.

Eventually, the doors open again and Finnick is standing in front of me, bending over to pick me up from the floor. I might have been drunker than I thought.

He carries me to his bedroom, puts me down on his bed, helps me to get undressed and throws me one of his shirts, all without saying a word.

"I'm sorry I was so pissed at you today," is what I manage to say. My voice sounds hoarse.

"It's okay. We all have days like that. You have them more often than the average person but anyway, it happens."

I look at him, tears stinging my eyes.

"Snow came to me today, right after the training."

He nods, urging me to continue. I swallow the lump in my throat.

"He told me my house in District 7 burnt down. _Including the roof_."

"Including the roof? Isn't that normal when there's a fire. I mean…Oh!"

Finnick's eyes widen when he gets the meaning behind Snow's words.

"He knows?"

I nod. It should've been obvious when Snow came to see us during breakfast but I was a little bit preoccupied with other stuff at the moment.

I let myself fall in the cloudy nothingness of Finnick's pillows and cover my eyes with my hands.

"I have nothing left, Finn. My house was the last thing in District 7 that was mine. Now I have no family, no friends, no house, nothing."

He lays his head next to mine and takes my hand, giving it a comforting squeeze.

"Since when do you have 'no friends'? What am I, invisible?"

He says it with a laugh but I know he's slightly hurt by my words.

"I mean in District 7. You're my friend here. There's a difference: we became friends because we needed the support, because we couldn't deal with everything all by ourselves. We became friends out of need. My friends at District 7, not that I had many of them but still, they liked me for who I was there. That Johanna is gone now. Completely."

"I wonder if we would've been friends if we lived in the same district, without the Hunger Games, without being Victors who are being sold to horny Capitolians."

His words paint an absurd image in my head: Finnick learning to chop wood in District 7. I start laughing.

"What's funny?"

"You with an axe? No. It just doesn't work, not in my head at least."

He chuckles.

"Yeah well, I don't really see you with a trident either, or cleaning fish."

We both start laughing like little children and just because it had been such a long time since we had a laugh like this one, we don't stop until our stomachs hurt too much.

"You know Jo, you sober up really quickly. That's what I noticed today."

"That's what you noticed? Well, you sort of interrupted my drunkenness. I was pretty drunk and having fun but then you and your lousy date came sneaking up from behind. Anyway, everyone sobers up from a fight with their best friend."

"So I'm still your best friend?"

I poke him playfully with my elbow.

"Of course you are." I turn around and make myself comfortable in his arms, ready to drift off to sleep. "And by the way, you would've been my friend in that alternate universe without Hunger Games too."


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I know it's been a long time, I apologize! Hope you like the new chapter.**

It's the day of the interviews, the day before we get dumped in a completely new arena, no doubt a dangerous one. I don't know where my head is anymore. I find myself thinking about the best ways to kill the others even though I've come to respect some of them over time. Of course there are Victors I'd gladly kill but there are others I don't want to kill myself. They don't know that I like them in some sort of way, thank God, but I do.

I look up from my cereal and see Mags sitting in front of me. I really really _really_ hope she survives this but I doubt it. She raises her eyebrows in question, her eyes never leaving her own cereal. I smile. "Nothing."

"Finnick?" she suddenly says.

I look up again, shaking my head. "I don't know where he is. Still in his bedroom, I suppose."

She looks at me expectantly, waiting for me to get up and look for Finnick. I refuse to but don't say anything to Mags. I just want to finish my breakfast and get back to my own floor.

Finnick has been acting a little off lately. Lately as in yesterday and tonight. I assume it's because _the_ _day_ is coming closer every second. He has many more friends amongst the other Victors than I have. He's easy to like, I'm not. That's the reason. I think he's even started to like Katniss and Peeta. I shake my head in disgust. Ugh. I hear Mags chuckle at my face and I smile back.

"Right," I say as I get up, "I'm going back to my floor. Tell Finnick I said hi."

Mags just nods and I leave here there, helpless with two escorts and two stylist at the table.

* * *

I have put on my dress and watch myself in the mirror. It's a floor-length, deep red dress with a very very deep V-neck. The back is also very deeply incised. Now that my hair is cut boyishly short (yet it's very feminine) I can show everyone what a nice back I have. Finnick will like that, I think grudgingly. I walk to the cupboard and take out a small black box which contains a golden necklace with a ruby. It's dreadfully heavy but I have always loved this necklace even though I never had the chance to wear it. Finnick gave it to me on my Victory Tour. It was the first time we actually met and also the first time he had told me about Snow.

"You're a pretty girl," he had said, "and you have a fire inside you. That makes you wildly attractive."

I had laughed and asked if he was hitting on me.

"The president is going to ask you to do something for him when you come back to the Capitol. You'll be disgusted by this proposal and you will want to say no but you have to say yes."

"Are you joking?" I had asked.

He had shaken his head with a deeply sad expression on his face.

"I wish I was. Just promise me you'll say yes."

"Why should I believe you?"

"Because I'm your friend."

"Because you are my friend? I hardly know you!"

"You will need a friend, Johanna. Trust me."

After he had said this, he had given me the necklace. "My sympathy gift to the new Victor." He had said with a wink. The wink was meant for show, I knew that. I also knew I had to believe his words but when the time came that Snow asked me that particular question, I had said no before I could even remember Finnick's words. So when I came back to the Capitol that year, he had silently held me and I was crying for the first time in a very long time.

The door bursting open interrupts my thoughts and I see Finnick, dressed up in a very nice suit, walking into my room. For some reason, he's avoiding my gaze so I silently hand him the necklace. He opens the clasp and put it around my neck gently. He lets his hands rest on my shoulders and I look at him in the reflection of the mirror. His eyes are fixed on the clasp of the necklace.

"Do you already know what you're going to say during your interview?" he breaks the silence.

I shake my head. "No, I'm going to improvise. I'll manage. You?"

He nods and after a long pause he says it. "I wrote a poem. For Annie. Thought I should give you a head's-up."

I keep my expression blank and my lips pressed together. I should've seen this coming. I try to look into his eyes as long as possible, just so he can see what he's doing. And he does. He sees it.

"Johanna, please understand," he pleads.

I blink arrogantly at him, raising my eyebrow, not wanting to understand.

"I never got the chance to say goodbye, to say anything at all. There's a big chance I'll die in that arena. Katniss and Peeta are too reckless, we can't protect them forever. We –"

"The poem, Finnick?" I interrupt him.

He sighs at my bluntness. "Annie was a very big part of my life. I can't just…leave without saying anything. She's the kind of girl that wants poems. You're not."

"And somehow you can give her everything she wants and can't give me anything I want."

"Jo, you're my best friend. I love you. Please, you of all people should understand me. You're supposed to understand me because you're my best friend"!

"No Finnick, I'm not anything anymore. I'm not your lover, not your best friend. From now on, we're two tributes about to enter the arena. You should know what that means."

I turn around and give him a look that says if he won't leave right away, I'll break his neck. Luckily, he gets my hint and leaves the room.

I walk to my drawer to get my earrings and I put them in, desperately trying to blink away the coming tears.

I doubt whether to keep the necklace around my neck or not but eventually, I let it on. Just to rub it in Finnick's face.

I make my way downstairs, still with the same blank but angry expression on my face. Not that it will surprise anyone, this is my normal face for them. On the inside though, I'm burning with hatred and humiliation.

The fact that he chose Annie over me is the worst part. Before we confessed our 'love', I could just pretend he chose Annie because he didn't know about me but now, he _deliberately_ chose Annie over me. An innocent mad girl over…a vicious mad girl. Well, if you put it that way, anyone would pick Annie. Even if you didn't put it that way, no one would pick me.

Other Victors gather around me as we are waiting for the interviews to start. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Finnick arrive but I avoid his gaze, knowing that I would probably burst from the anger that is building up inside me. He goes to stand with Chaff. Smart boy.

When Katniss and Peeta arrive, I cannot help but feel a little bit of compassion for them when the other Victors comment on her dress. When everyone goes to stand in line, I walk over to her and fix her necklace which is hanging a little off while saying something encouraging. She probably doesn't understand where that came from but she doesn't say anything and I'm grateful for that.

I sit in my chair next to Blight and watch the others do their interviews. I can tell the audience is even more fond of them than if they had been new tributes. But the audience knows everyone on stage. Every single one of them had been someone's favorite tribute during their games.

Caesar Flickerman calls me up on stage and as I walk over to the sofa, I see his mouth fall open.

"My dearest Johanna, your hair!" He says it with so much drama I have to smile a little bit.

"Do you like it, Caesar?" I say as I finger my hair.

"I do, I very much do! Who cut it, may I ask? I'm thinking of having a new haircut myself…"

"Oh no please don't Caesar! I like your hair this way. But if you must know, Finnick cut it."

There's a short pause filled with an incredibly heavy silence.

"Finnick cut your hair? Well, maybe we should lay some scissors at the Cornucopia instead of his usual trident."

The audience bursts out into laughter and so do I.

"But tell me Johanna, how do you feel about these games? You can't use the strategy you used last time anymore. What do you think will happen?"

I pause for a long time and pretend to think but in fact, I already know what to say. I'll just play alongside the other Victors even though I have never been one to follow others. I know nothing of what we're trying to do here will have any effect on the gamemakers' strategies but it's worth a try.

"Well, I understand the concept of the Quarter Quell but nobody was prepared for the friendships that have blossomed amongst the Victors. There are even very profound friendships between Victors and inhabitants of the Capitol! And then you should ask yourself this question: Do you even want to see these Hunger Games? Do you want to watch your friends kill each other, with the possibility of dying themselves? Honestly Caesar, do you want to see me die?"

I look at him with raised eyebrows, waiting for his answer.

"I see what you are trying to say, Johanna," he says, "You are obviously wondering if anything could be changed about this Quarter Quell, am I right?"

I fake a little laugh. "I see you are trying to avoid my question, Ceasar. Well, I can imagine you want to see me die, who wouldn't right? Anyway, if I die, I will try to take as many down with me as I can, but they won't be my kills."

He raises his eyebrows. "They won't?"

"No," I respond, "they will be the kills of the Capitol's government."

Right after I said my last sentence, the buzzer announces the end of my interview. Talk about impeccable timing. I shake Caesar's hand and walk back to my seat, with a confident smile on my face.

* * *

"Johanna!" I hear Haymitch shout when the elevator opens.

I sigh. "What?"

He walks over to me with an angry look on his face. "Look, I don't know what happened between you and Finnick but you have to remember to stick together. Honestly, you're Katniss and Peeta's only hope. You –"

I raise my hand to shut him up. "No. Finnick and I are done. I'll protect Katniss and Peeta because I promised you and the other rebels but I never said I would do it with Finnick. No go back to your own floor."

I turn around and start heading for my bedroom.

"If you want Katniss' trust you'll have to bring Beetee and Wiress. She asked for them." Haymitch shouts.

Great. Now I have to look after our little chirping bird and lovesick teenage boy _and_ Nuts and Volts. Aah, does life get any better than this?

I slam the door shut and let myself fall onto my big fluffy bed, burying my face in the pillows. After a second or two, I hear the door open and tentative footsteps make their way to my bed.

"What?" I grumble, voice muffled by the pillow.

"Johanna," I hear Haymitch say, "What happened between you and Finnick?"

I lift my head to glare at him. "Oh so now you suddenly care? You say we have to sacrifice our lives like it's nothing but when we have a little fight, you behave as if I'm going to tell you the world is about to explode!"

"Well, if you could just see yourself right now, you would probably think the world actually _is_ about to explode."

A sympathetic smile lingers on his lips. "Tell me." he pleads.

I think about it for a minute. What bad can it do? It's not like he's going to tell anyone. At least not anyone who actually cares.

"Fine," I start, "you want to know? I'll tell you. I don't really remember the exact moment where he went from my best friend to my best friend with whom I've fallen in love. But it happened. I fell in love with him. Maybe it was bound to happen; he was the only person I trusted, the only one I felt really myself with, the only one I could genuinely laugh with, the only one I opened up to. And I thought, if he could see that, that he was the only person that meant so much to me, he would start to feel the same way. And he did, or at least that's what I thought, and he did tell me so… But eventually, he chose Annie. Again. Even though she's crazy."

He just stares at me.

"Isn't this the part where you say something comforting, encouraging maybe?" I ask.

"Well," he says while making himself comfortable on my bed, "I happen to be a very good double agent."

I raise my eyebrows questioningly.

"I just pretended to be your friend, which I am by the way, to hear you out. I did the same thing ten minutes ago at the fourth floor. Am I good or what?" he laughs.

I clap my hands in praise. "Oh Haymitch, you are such a wonderful actor! I admire your skills so much! I … Oh who the hell am I kidding. You did WHAT?"

He raises his hands defensively. "It was to help you, you blind lumberjack!"

I stay stubbornly silent for a moment until I give in. "Ok, spill it."

"Well, first of all, he's really sorry for making you feel this way. He…"

I snort.

"Do not interrupt me!" he yells. "Ok, so second of all, he loves Annie, obviously, so he wanted to, you know, get some closure. Say goodbye, whatever. That's why he wrote the poem. He seriously thinks he's going to die in that arena and all he wants is for you to be by his side when he does…"

"If he does. _If_."

"Right, _if_ he does. He cares more about you than you think. He really does love you, in another way than he loves Annie. But that doesn't mean it's not real."

I glare. "If he cares that much, why hasn't he come to tell me this himself?"

"Because you told him not to. You told him you weren't friends anymore. He wanted to do as you asked, to give you space."

"I don't care what I said, if he cares that much about me and he wants me so badly, he should fight for me. You go tell him that."

He shakes his head. "No. I'm not a carrier pigeon. I'm going back to my own floor, have a late night…snack."

"Late night drink, you mean."

He gets up and starts heading for the door. "Whatever. Get some rest. You have a big big big day ahead of you!" he says with a disturbingly good impression of Effie Trinket.

After he has left, I take off my clothes and get into bed. Suddenly, I'm immensely tired but I know I won't be able to sleep. I do, however, refuse to go up to the roof of the training centre where I know Finnick will be. I'm not going to be the beaten dog crawling back to his boss, begging for another punch. I refuse to.

**Don't forget to review!**


	4. Chapter 4

My hands are trembling so I grip the hem of my jacket to hide it. I don't want others to see my fear. And feared I am. It's been years since I've been thrown into an arena; years I thought I was safe. Safe as in relatively safe, safe as in don't-do-anything-out-of-the-ordinary safe, safe as in having a best friend by your side. Now? Not that safe anymore. I'm actually on my own now. Again. There's no one here to see me off, no one to put me in that tube that'll send me into the arena, no one who cares that much about me. So the hiding of my hands is actually to hide my fear for myself. I'm a strong woman. I'll survive this. I'll survive this. It's becoming a mantra. _I'll survive this_.

30 seconds.

The voice booms. The words echo in my head.

20 seconds.

I take off the jacket, only wearing a silvery thingy under it. The color, the fabric, it all screams 'dangerous', it doesn't give me any feeling of safety.

10 seconds.

I step into the tube, my hands trembling alongside my body, nothing to grip. My fear is looking me right in the eye.

9

Nausea is forming in my throat.

8

Swallow it away. Swallow it away.

7

No need to worry, I survived it once, I'll do it again.

6

But suppose Brutus finds me? Brutus had always said he'd happily kill me. What if…?

5

NO. Don't think about what ifs. Think about …

4

Think about home.

3

What's home? Not District 7. Not the Capitol. What's home?

2

Don't think about home. Think about nothing.

1

I'll survive this.

The platform brings me to the surface and after I've blinked several times so my eyes can adjust to the glaring sun I instantly think of Finnick.

Water. Shiny water. Everywhere.

Is this a joke?

Do they know about Finnick and me? About our friendship? Are they doing this to hurt me?

I mentally slap myself. This is not about me. Not about Finnick. Not about other Victors. This is mostly about Katniss and Peeta. Maybe the gamemakers think they can't swim? Maybe they think they can't handle this much sunlight since they're mostly occupied underground, in the mines? And even if they can swim and handle the sunlight, the gamemakers (and Snow) put them in an arena with 22 assassins. Most of them very deadly. I know I'm considered as very deadly.

As soon as the last gong announces the end of the waiting-minute, I jump in the water and head for the shore. I have to get my hands on an axe or three. Oh, and Wiress and Beetee. They can come in handy. Especially because I don't want one of Katniss' arrows somewhere in my body, sucking the life out of me. I know she hates me, I hate her too. Too naïve, too stupid, too everything.

I find some useful weapons. I feel a hand gripping my shoulder and I turn around. I see a flash of silver but before the person standing in front of me has a chance to stab me with his weapon, I kill him.

I gasp. It's horrible, the way I'm still so used to killing.

Out of the corner of my eye I catch a glimpse of Finnick but I turn around to go after Wiress, who is running away with Beetee only meters after her. I cannot lose them.

I take my weapons and start to run. Someone is following me but I don't care. Apparently, my mind has made Wiress and Beetee priority number one.

I just reached the trees when I hear my follower shouting my name. "Johanna! Wait!"

I stop. It's Blight. How could I leave him there?

My mind is all over the place.

Wiress. Beetee. Leave. Run. Weapons. Survive. Finnick. What? Blight. Shit. Run. Faster. Kill. Survive.

Blight throws his hands in the air. "Partners?"

I shrug. "Fine. Because you're my District partner."

He grins. "And because I'm your friend?"

Again, I shrug. "Sort of. Come on, I want Beetee and Wiress in our little group. Preferably before one of them, or us, gets killed."

"I'm sort of your friend but Beetee and Wiress are real friends? What!?"

He laughs and I want to join him because the real Johanna Mason would never want people like Nuts and Volts in her group. Heck, the real Johanna Mason wouldn't be in a group! I want to laugh but I'm not in the mood. In a weird way, I lost myself.

* * *

"Tick-tock, tick-tock"

"Fuck it!" I yell. Wiress and her stupid mantra are seriously getting on my nerves.

I'm hungry. I'm terribly thirsty. We have been attacked by other victors which means we have to take care of Beetee's wound now too. On top of that, Nuts has gone completely nuts and Blight is desperately trying to cheer me up (am I that dangerous when I'm in a bad mood? Really?) but well, it doesn't work. I'm too thirsty.

_Tick-tock. Tick-tock._

"All right, here's the thing, why don't you all get some sleep and I'll stay awake to keep away the monsters. How about that?"

_Tick-tock._

"Who are the monsters? The Capitol's mutts or the other tributes?" Blight asks.

"Victors, Blight. We're not tributes, we're still Victors."

"Okay then, the mutts or the Victors?"

"Both."

Eventually, they all agree with my plan and they make themselves comfortable on the ground. I look at our surroundings for a second, thinking about this weird arena. About half an hour ago, there was a clasp of thunder that shocked everyone for a second and lighting struck a giant tree not that far from us. We can hear the sounds of a storm but apparently it's not above our heads so we're safe.

I want to go sit down against a tree to rest for a while but before I can do so, I hear a sound. Footsteps.

I'm in predator-modus in an instant, gripping my axe tightly.

As silent as I possibly can, I make my way through the thick and unknown forest, approaching the footsteps.

When I hear the other person loud and clearly, I quickly hide behind a large tree trunk. I close my eyes for a second and pray the other one hasn't seen me.

I get myself together and dare to peer through the branches. I notice the other person is male but the trees hide him well which makes me confident that I'm well hidden as well.

Suddenly, the male figure turns around and I see his arm is too short to be an arm.

Chaff.

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. Chaff's part of the rebellion, I don't have to fear him.

I loosen my grip on the axe and head back for my camping site.

I can already see the faces of the Capitolians, hear their questions intertwined with a hint of confusion.

Why is she walking away?

Why didn't she kill him?

I could've killed him if I wanted to. Easily. Too easily. Chaff once was a good fighter but he's no match for me. Not for my axes. Not for my strength.

I'm disgusted by the fact that I can think this way about a friend. About killing my friend because the Capitol expect me to. I killed one person today and I could've killed a friend too.

I'm a monster.

Maybe, when Blight asked me who I meant with 'monster', he was just afraid to ask if I was the real monster. Could I really kill them when I lose my temper? Murder them, slaughter them in their sleep? Am I the monster I had to protect them from?

The fact that Blight is sitting straight up against a tree, his eyes open, wide awake, confirms my suspicions. He's afraid of me.

I sit down on the floor against a tree far enough for them to be safe but still close enough to keep an eye on them and any possible attackers. I don't say anything. Blight doesn't say anything.

After thirty minutes or so, Blight breaks the silence.

"Why did you want me, Wiress and Beetee as your allies?"

I just shrug. "Doesn't matter."

I feel his eyes burning holes in my skull.

Blight doesn't know. He's not part of the rebellion because he's mentally too unstable. Wiress is unstable as well but she could be valuable, Blight not. So the only reason why he wanted to partner up with me is because he trusts me. Even after I've lied to him over and over again when he was my mentor. He trusts me because he knows I know how to survive, against all the advice given I know how to survive, to win. He trusts me.

"Go to sleep, Blight. I'm guarding the fort." I whisper.

* * *

"FUCK THIS! Nuts? Volts? Blight? Where the hell are you?"

I run around in the red unknown. Everywhere I look, I see red.

Thick, warm red. Bloody red. Blood.

"It's blood!" I scream when the realization hits me. "It's blood!"

Hysteria is trying to take the best of me but I won't let it. Johanna Mason doesn't go crazy. We already have two crazies in our group and one victim. I'm the only one standing. If I fall now, we're easy targets .

I have to get everyone out of here. To the beach.

Where the fuck is the beach?

Where is everyone?

"Ouf," I say when a body collapses with mine. I cannot see who it is because the blood is pouring down but I have a sense it's Wiress.

"Wiress, where's the beach?"

_Tick-tock. Tick-tock._

"WIRESS! Where's the beach? We have to get out of here!"

I have her shoulders in an iron grip and shake her frantically, trying to get her to listen.

Tick-tock. Tick-tock.

I feel my blood, my actual blood, boil. It's like everyone here is trying to work against me. Everything is trying to work against me.

"Blight?" I yell, blood filling my mouth. "Blight?"

"I'm here," he answers. Judging by the muffled sounds that come out, his mouth's probably filled with blood too. Too much blood everywhere.

I'm so happy someone has answered me but the thing is: where the hell is 'here'?

"Beetee?" I try, not expecting someone to answer, especially not Beetee since he's too weak right now.

This is crazy, I think. We have to get out of here.

"Blight, come over here. Follow my voice!"

"I think…found…Beetee. … here. … to you."

The downpour of blood is drowning everything he says.

"Bring him as well!" I shout back.

A crackling sound makes my blood run cold. Wiress starts to scream. I still don't know where Beetee or Blight is and at least one of them has run into the force field.

I randomly start to walk in the direction of the sound, trying to estimate how far away it must've been.

Suddenly, I trip over something large. A body. Alive.

"Blight?" I ask, hope clearly in my voice.

"No," the voice says. It's almost a whisper but I can understand it. It's Beetee.

"Watch out, you're just a meter away from the force field." he continues.

I nod even though I know he cannot see it. "What about Blight?"

The silence gives me the answer. Blight's dead.

"Okay," I say firmly while standing up, "Let's reunite you and Nuts."

I lift his body up so he can lean on me while we are getting back to the place where I left Wiress and where she'll hopefully still be. The blood is still everywhere and every once in awhile, we run into a tree. It's like living in limbo. It's horrible. From this day onwards, I hate the color red.

I know we've reached the spot when I hear a faint 'Tick-tock, tick-tock'. It's still driving me crazy but for just this second, I'm glad to hear it because that means she's still alive.

I motion for her to walk in the same direction Beetee and I do. It's like the rain is getting worse and I can't utter a single word anymore. All I know is that we have to get to the other direction than the force field.

I swallow the lump in my throat when I think about the person we've left behind.

Suddenly, as quickly as it started, the rain stops. I blink several times and see everything is still red but the sky is visible again. Well, the fake sky that is.

Beetee is taking all my energy by leaning on my and when I put my arm around his back to keep him upright, I feel he's still bleeding like a pig. He's not going to make it like this.

I look around to see if Wiress is still there. She is, circling like a child. Nuts, nuts, nuts.

I drop Beetee to the floor and try to find something to stop the bleeding with. He's still carrying something cylinder-like but that's not going to help me.

I've tried everything. All kinds of leaves and moss but it's all drenched in blood from the downpour. It's no use.

We must've been in this part of the woods for hours. Blight's dead, Beetee's still dying and Wiress is being ultra-Wiress. What the hell did I do to deserve this?

Eventually, I decide it's better if we leave, go to the beach. I don't want to have another shower of blood on my head and I want to get away from all this fucking red!

I drag Beetee along as well as I can but he's too heavy right now. I have almost no energy left, I'm tired, I'm angry… I could kill anyone at this point.

"Wiress, give me a hand here!"

But she doesn't stop. She keeps on circling and tick-tocking.

I swing Beetee's arm over my shoulder again and drag him to the beach.

When I see the blue of the water, I let out a sigh but my relief is quickly overshadowed by anger and frustration. I drop Beetee to the floor, trying to stop Wiress from doing what she's doing. It's getting on my nerves, really getting on my nerves.

I give her a shove and she too falls to the floor. I feel like a little child when I start to yell angry words at her and stamp my feet in frustration.

"Johanna!"

I turn around immediately when I hear his voice. I'd recognize it everywhere.

I see him running towards me and despite all my anger towards him, my humiliation, I smile. I'm not alone anymore.

"Finnick."


	5. Chapter 5

I know it's wrong, so wrong, for me to let him do this but after the day I've had, the thoughts I've had, I let Finnick hug me. Tightly.

"Finnick, I… There's…dirt all over me," I protest.

"Doesn't matter," he mumbles in my ear. "What happened to you?"

As soon as he lets go of me, I'm back in reality. Memories of the past hours flood my brain and I start to tell him everything. The words flow out of my mouth like a waterfall. "We thought it was rain, you know, because of the lightning, and we were all so thirsty. But when it started coming down, it turned out to be blood. Thick, hot blood. You couldn't see, you couldn't speak without getting a mouthful. We just staggered around, trying to get out of it. That's when Blight hit the force field."

"I'm sorry, Johanna." He lookes into my eyes and I know he means it.

"Yeah, well, he wasn't much but he was from home," I say. At what point did I decide District 7 was my home again? I remember that moment in the tube, before it took me up to the arena. I wanted to think about home but didn't know what home looked like. Didn't know what home was to me.

Tick-tock. Tick-tock.

A questioning look appears on Finnick's face. I explain to all them that Nuts is in shock. Beetee's still unconscious on the floor. Why don't I get to be one of those? Be in shock, be unconscious. Why do I have to be the one standing?

I notice how close Wiress comes to me and I cannot take it. Not right now. I can feel the rage boiling up inside me like nausea. And I know I'm about to throw up the rage.

I shove Wiress back to her former circling-space. "Just stay down, will you."

Katniss snaps at me. To what do I owe this now? Who the hell does she think she is? I do not need a teenager telling me what to do, especially not some ignorant, arrogant, annoying girl like Katniss fucking Everdeen, the girl on bloody fire!

"Lay off her? Who do you think got them out of that bleeding jungle for you? You –"

I feel two strong arms wrap around my body and toss me over Finnick's shoulder. What the hell?!

"Put me down, Odair! I'm not finished yet! I-"

Before I can even finish my sentence, I swallow a immense gulp of salty water when Finnick pushes me under.

"Is this really necessary?" I pant when he lets me have a few moments to breathe.

"Yes," he nods, "You look filthy, hideous, atrocious… Do I need to keep going?"

I smirk. "Says the guy who looks like one of the Capitol's mutts. And as for little miss Everdeen…"

Finnick obviously thought I wasn't clean enough and pushes me a couple of times under again.

"I already have an attitude of my own, I DO NOT NEED HERS AS WELL!" I scream as soon as I have enough time to finish my sentence before Finnick tries to drown me again.

"Are you done yet?" he asks, holding my arm in an iron grip so I don't fall over. I'm glad he's holding me steady, my equilibrium isn't what it's supposed to be right now.

"Why should I stop yelling at her? It's not like she doesn't deserve it. D'you think I _want_ to be in a team with Nuts and Volts? D'you think I _want_ to be partners with Romeo and Juliet? Do you honestly think I _want_ to protect them?"

"I know you don't want any of those things. I know you would like to be alone right now, only looking after yourself. I know how much you hate to be in a team but this thing you're doing, protecting them with your own life. It requires a lot of courage, Johanna!"

I snort. "Any fool can have courage, Finnick. But honour. That's the real reason we do it."

"What do you mean, honour? Not any fool can do what you're doing, Jo."

"No, it's not courage. Look, there's a big chance that I'll die…"

Finnick shakes his head vigorously and covers my mouth with his hand. "No. Not you. You won't die. You're too strong, too…"

I take his hand away before he can finish his sentence. "It doesn't matter! But if I do die, I… Look, we've done too many things wrong. We've killed innocent people. I want to restore my honour. I know I'll kill more people but I don't want that to be the only thing that defines who I am. I'm honourable as well! Both of us are courageous, that's right. But we should be honourable too!"

I slam the flat of my hand against his chest to add force to my last statement. I know tears of anger are forming in my eyes but they could've been because of the salty water as well. Who knows.

"You're right. Come on, let's go back to Katniss and the rest of them."

Finnick takes my hand to lead me out of the water.

"And what is it with you and your newfound friendship with firegirl?" I mumble.

He laughs and puts his arm around my shoulders, whispering in my ear that no one could ever replace me as his best friend.

Once we are back at the camp, I start drinking water until I have the feeling I might burst. The blood from the forest and the salty sea water has made me really thirsty. I don't really care about the fact that I'm drinking all of Katniss and Peeta's water, they can get new water if they like. At least they know how to. I stuff some shellfish in my mouth and watch Katniss trying to feed Wiress.

"So," I start the new conversation, my mouth full with food, "On what kind of adventures have you all been going? You know about ours, the blood rain, so that topic is closed already and I'm bored so let's talk."

Finnick tells us – primarily me since he's eyes won't leave mine – about the fog that made them (and him in particular) look hideous and about the murderous monkeys. He's giving details about every horror they went through but I notice his voice is somewhat cold. I also notice that Mags isn't around and I'm fairly sure I left her at the Cornucopia alive so I'm wondering what happened to her, why she isn't with Finnick. But seeing how Finnick is looking in the distance right now, I'm not planning on asking him anytime soon.

"Well, why don't we all get some rest now. This day has been exhausting enough, don't you think?" Peeta offers.

Everybody agrees but no one seems to be willing to actually close their eyes and sleep. It doesn't come as a surprise, who knows what other 'adventures' this arena may have in store for us. But I simply refuse to get some rest. I don't want to be haunted by bad dreams or anything. I don't want to be thinking about things I shouldn't be thinking about in the first place. I'm secretly hoping Finnick will want to stay awake as well but I can tell he's really tired, physically as well as mentally.

"Johanna, you should get some rest. You haven't slept since the beginning of the games." Beetee says with a weak voice.

"Not a chance in hell. Oh but wait, we actually are in hell!" I throw them all a warning glance and no one offers for me to get some rest again. In the end I have to guard together with none other than Katniss, our very own Hunger Games Princess. We sit in silence for a long time. Long enough to be sure everyone is asleep. It's not like I'm looking forward to talking to her but I just have to know so I ask her what happened to Mags.

"In the fog. Finnick had Peeta. I had Mags for a while. Then I couldn't lift her. Finnick said he couldn't take them both. She kissed him and walked right into the poison," I hear her say.

A lump forms in my throat but I swallow it away. Typical. As soon as she knew Peeta was safe, she didn't care about anyone else anymore. That's exactly why I hate this whole rebel-save-Katniss-and-loverboy-thing. They only care about themselves while we throw ourselves in poisonous fog for them!

"She was Finnick's mentor, you know," I say. I really hope she gets the accusing tone.

"No, I didn't," she answers, voice soft.

"She was half his family."

I notice the way my accusing tone disappears when I say that. Not because I ceased to think Katniss is the one to blame. It's because Mags was half my family as well but I can't say that. No one knew. District 4 and District 7 are family and no one knew that.

She suddenly asks me about Nuts and Volts, why I was with them.

"I told you — I got them for you. Haymitch said if we were to be allies I had to bring them to you. That's what you told him, right?" I look at her, my eyebrows raised. It better be true what Haymitch said, because if not, I have actually risked my life for people I didn't have to risk it for. Hell, Blight got himself killed because he wanted to save Volts!

She nods and thanks me, says she appreciates it. Whatever. For some reason, I don't really believe her. No, I really don't believe her. That girl sure has an attitude. She's actually lying to my face. MY face. Me. Johanna Mason. And then they wonder why I hate people.

_Tick-tock_.

I let out a sigh. Not one out of frustration (for once) but because I feel I'm really exhausted so I let Wiress take over my guarding shift and throw myself on the ground next to Finnick. I know he's asleep but I grab his hand anyway. It keeps away the bad dreams and the pondering and it invites the feeling of safety. Even when we're in hell, like I said.


	6. Chapter 6

Katniss practically beats out my brains to wake me up – something she shouldn't have done if she wanted me to like her a little bit more than I do right now. In an almost hysterical voice she explains us her, or rather Wiress' theory. The arena is a clock. Every hour a new horror begins. Finnick and I share a look. It almost sounds as if we had a breakthrough…if Finnick and I didn't already know that. Not everyone knows this, only Finnick and I do. I knew it because one of my 'clients' was some low-ranked, beginning designer. A trainee, you could call him. Anyway, as soon as I knew he was involved in the making of the arena, I had put on my most seductive dress and poured sweet and sexy words in his ears. It had only taken me about ten minutes. That's how I knew. Finnick knew because I tell him everything. We had spent the whole night talking about possible horrors and by the end of that night, we had become so good at inventing new mutts we probably would've been Head Gamemakers. If we weren't tributes, that is.

"That sounds…crazy but very possible, Katniss. Good job figuring that out!" Finnick says, his voice as enthusiastically as Firegirl's.

Upon hearing those words, I feel my mouth drop open.

I turn around angrily. "I hate it. It's not even a theory! Just because some events happen to occur in a certain order doesn't mean it's a freaking clock! We are in the arena, time means nothing in here."

Everyone stares at me. Most of them because they're afraid I might throw sand in their faces, one of them because he actually cannot believe I hate the 'theory' we both know is real.

"Quit looking at me! If you want to go, then go. I'll follow our mighty leader, just like I'm told to."

Finnick throws me a meaningful glance so I turn around and start heading for another part of the beach.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Peeta asks, clearly confused.

I turn around violently to face him. "What? You honestly think my first choice would be to spend my last days alive with you two lovebirds? Fuck, you really are-"

"HEY!" Katniss interrupts, "Back off Peeta, Johanna."

I feel anger boiling up inside me. Again. I think there might be some kind of pattern in my blood-boiling history. Oh right, Katniss is the pattern.

"What are _you_ going to do, little mockingjay? Huh? Sing your little song to kill me? Maybe you could try to suffocate me with flowers? Or hang me, your braid would make a really good rope!"

She doesn't say anything back. I know, what I said was a bit below the belt. Well, guess she'll have to live with it. It's not like I care.

"Or maybe –" I start but Finnick cuts me off.

"Johanna, that's enough. You may not believe the arena is a clock but are you really ready to test that theory out? You want to get yourself killed just to prove you're right? What if you aren't?"

I look at him. I can tell by the look in his eyes he's not angry with me, just…worried or something.

Before I can even register the words coming out of my mouth I say, "Fine. Let's go."

I hear how some of my group are trying to get Beetee up but he's putting up a struggle. "Wire," he keeps saying. Of course Peeta thinks he means Wiress. Dumbass.

I sigh. "I know what he wants," and I pick up the cylinder he's been carrying around. I make fun of the thing, and of Beetee. I don't really care. I hate this whole situation. I wonder what the hell the cylinder is for.

"He won his Games with wire. Setting up that electrical trap. It's the best weapon he could have," Peeta says.

Right. Maybe I should've known that. Apparently, Katniss thinks the same. She questions me about the fact that I didn't know that but I'm not giving her the satisfaction of telling her I couldn't watch the other tributes' games because I had 'clients' piling up at my door. And I only nicknamed him Volts because when I first met him, his face and hair had looked as if he had been in an explosion. He had looked like a mad professor. But not saying all of this shouldn't keep me from starting a fight with Katniss. Not that I need an excuse but now I actually have one, which is nice for a change.

"Yeah, that was really stupid of me, wasn't it? I guess I must have been distracted by keeping your little friends alive. While you were doing what, again? Getting Mags killed off?"

I try to ignore Finnick and the knot in my stomach. They're both pretty hard to do so…until Katniss' hand tightens around her knife. Perfect.

"Go ahead. Try it. I don't care if you are knocked up, I'll rip your throat out," I say in a dangerously low voice.

I don't believe her little pregnancy-lie for a second but it can't hurt to bring it up once or twice, can it. To remind her she's not the innocent little girl she pretends to be but that she's a lying schemer, just like the rest of us. On the other hand, I may be the only non-lying person in the arena right now. One of the benefits of being a full-out bitch: you can say whatever the hell you want to say.

"Maybe we all had better be careful where we step," says Finnick. He gives Beetee his cylinder. "There's your wire, Volts. Watch where you plug it."

By using my nickname for Beetee, I know he's on my side. Maybe because of Mags, maybe because he simply thinks I'm right. I know I am.

When Peeta asks us where we should go next, Finnick suggests the Cornucopia to check out the clock. On our way to it, I walk next to Finnick, asking him why he really wants to go there.

"I noticed you only have one ax left. If that's your only weapon, you're not going to last on your own and then you'll have to ask for my help _slash_ protection but that will be to embarrassing for you so I'm making things easier by just giving you an excuse to go get new weapons. Besides, do you really think we would've gone to the Cornucopia if you had suggested it? Katniss would probably think you'd kill her there and bury her under the pile of weapons."

He smiles and bumps his shoulder against mine playfully.

"You're way to cocky when you're right, Odair!"

* * *

"How's your leg?" I ask Finnick when we head back to the beach after coughing up a whole beach of our own. Stupid gamemakers. Twisting the clock is twisting our theory. Now we absolutely have no clue whatsoever where we are. We could all be dead in a second.

"Bearable," Finnick answers. "How are you, Jo?"

I smirk. How am I? "Peachy. Never felt better in my life. … I hate this, Finnick. But at least we've got enough weapons to kill every tribute twice. Maybe, if Katniss and Peeta die by some horrible mutt, they could make a new rule change, like last year. Two Victors, having survived the arena twice. Hell, everyone knows we're the only ones who actually deserve to win twice!"

He laughs. "Yeah, probably, if we weren't their main target after Katniss and Peeta!"

"What!? Come on! If you die in here, every single person in Panem would grieve. You'd be given a king-worthy funeral and your grave would be a whole castle! If I die, Snow will just be dancing on my grave."

"Until I would kick him off of it."

I look at him. "You'd visit my grave? To do what, talk to me? That's way to mushy, Odair. Since when have you turned into such a girl?"

"Since my best friend behaves like the toughest guy on the planet! It's just a question of balance, Mason."

At the time we arrive at the jungle, we're still laughing and sharing Odair-girl and Mason-boy stories.

Peeta suggests we tap some water from a tree but before he can do so himself, Finnick has taken the tap, saying it's his turn.

"I'll at least watch your back," Peeta says, following Finnick into the jungle.

Finnick shoots me a look and I instantly yank a large leaf off a tree and give it to Peeta, saying he needs to make a new map. Katniss can watch Finnick's back. It's about time she watches someone other than Peeta's back.

Peeta had just started to draw a new map when we suddenly hear a terrifying yell from the jungle-piece where Finnick and Katniss are. Peeta en I both shout names at the same time. "Katniss!" "Finn!"

"Who the hell could be making a sound like that? It makes my blood run cold and everyone knows I'm the most cold-hearted person in these games." I say.

Peeta's hands are against his temples. "It's Prim. Katniss' little sister."

The screaming stops as abruptly as it had started but is immediately followed by another one. But this time, I recognize whose voice it is.

It's Annie's.

The sun is burning on our heads but I still get goosebumps from the sound. It's terrible. Heart-breaking. And if it breaks my heart, I can't imagine what's it doing to Finnick's. His desperate screams are mingling with Annie's and I cannot decide which ones I hate more. It sounds as if Annie is being tortured but Finnick, he just sounds broken. I can't help myself, I cover my ears with my hands, trying to block out the sounds. But they come through nonetheless so I grab one of my axes and start heading for the jungle, ready to kill the thing that's making that sound, that's making Finnick crazy. But before I can even set two steps, I slam my face against some invisible wall. Warm, thick blood is dripping down my chin. As if I hadn't seen of felt enough blood already.

"Johanna!" Peeta screams, seeing my face when I turn around.

"We can't get through. There's a wall," I say, wiping the blood of my face.

I know we both feel the same way, Peeta and I. We can't help the ones we love. We can't get to them. We're being tortured as well.

"There they are," Peeta suddenly whispers.

I watch the trees and see Katniss and Finnick walk towards us. Before we can say or show they can't pass, they both hit the wall. It's ironic, really, because Finnick's nose is also gushing blood, just like mine.

Apparently, they can't hear us but we can hear them perfectly. It's probably part of our torture, make sure we hear how they are suffering but can't offer them any help or comforting words. I see more and more jabberjays arriving. Finnick drops to the floor, his hands almost breaking his skull, tears rolling down his cheeks, screaming out his lungs. Katniss is holding on to Peeta's hand through the barrier but I know it wouldn't help if I offered Finnick my hand. He wouldn't take it. Katniss' jabberjays mimic a lot of voices, Finnick's jabberjays just one. Annie.

It will always be Annie. Never me. I'm just the poor substitute because he thinks he's going to die and he's the kind of guy who needs someone to hold him while he's dying. And if he can't have his number one, he moves on to number two. As long as someone is holding him while he dies, he's happy. Even is the person who is holding him, is hurting. A lot.

So when the hour passes and the barrier disappears, I don't go to Finnick. I just watch Peeta comforting Katniss, explaining her why it wasn't real. Finnick is listening carefully, desperately trying to believe Peeta. And he does, after Beetee has confirmed Peeta's theory, Finnick believes it. But the hurt is still all too visible in his eyes. I might be hurting but that doesn't mean Finnick should be hurting as well. The Capitol has tortured me the last hour but I won't let them continue.

"You're right," Katniss says to Peeta.

"Of course Peeta's right. The whole country adores Katniss's little sister. If they really killed her like this, they'd probably have an uprising on their hands," I say in a flat voice. "Don't want that, do they?" I turn around and throw back my head, imagining I'm looking right into an air-camera. "WHOLE COUNTRY IN REBELLION? WOULDN'T WANT ANYTHING LIKE THAT!"

Now I'm sure I've blown it. It'll be a miracle if I make it out of this arena alive. And since when do miracles happen in Panem? They don't. I just signed my death sentence. Glad I could do it in style.

I collect some shells from the beach and take the tap out of Katniss' hands. "I'll go get some water," I say. But she takes my hands, saying I shouldn't go in there because of the birds.

And then I remember the pain Finnick was in when he heard Annie's voice. Remember I'm still number two. Remember I'm hurting because I'm letting him hurt me. Letting _them_ hurt me. I should take my distance again so I shake off Katniss' hand impatiently and watch Finnick while I say,

"They can't hurt me. I'm not like the rest of you. There's no one left I love."


	7. Chapter 7

As I stomp angrily through the thick forest, my thoughts go back to my feelings toward Finnick. I actually feel a little bit ashamed. It's not his fault. Annie has been a big part of his life, even before he was a tribute in his Hunger Games. I became his friend after my Hunger Games so they have many more years of friendship. Years I will never get. And truth be told, it's fine. It's just life. And yes, life sucks when you're a Victor from Panem. But life sucks when you're not a Victor too, or when you're a dead tribute. Guess we just have to make the best of the suckiness.

I tap water from a tree and head back to the beach, silently giving everyone a shell with water. This is me trying to be a better person. Trying to be the bigger part of myself.

On my way back to the beach, I saw some of Katniss' arrows. I know it's the only weapon she feels safe with so I go back to collect all of them. Without saying a word, I drop them on the beach in front of her.

A canon blast awakes us all from our depressing silence. I turn around to see where the hovercraft's headed and watch how it is collecting all five pieces of the one unfortunate person. I don't know who it is or what killed him or her but it's bad enough to make me shiver. Poor Victor.

I watch Finnick weave a net and catch fish with it while Katniss cleans the fish. I would offer my help if I wasn't absolutely sure Finnick would laugh with my fish-cleaning skills. Frankly, I suck at surviving. I rock at killing but I suck at surviving. Well, since the Capitol probably has a special mutt ready for me, the killing will come most in handy.

The arena begins to darken and our heads turn to face the sky while Panem's National Anthem is booming. Who died today?

Several faces appear but we all stay silent. Deadly silent. I wonder how their reaction would be if my face appeared on that sky. Would someone cry? Would Katniss jump up and down in joy? Would Finnick …

I know I would cry if Finnick died. I wouldn't cry for anyone else though.

A parachute comes down. I already know what's going to be in it. Bread. But I don't know from which district or how many. Peeta answers my first question, from District 3, and Finnick my second, twenty-four. So in three days, at midnight, all hell will break loose. The real question is: Will I still be around to enjoy it?

Katniss asks how we should divide the rolls. I suggest we all take three and then in the morning, the survivors can have the rest. I don't really count myself among the survivors but I'm sure as hell going to try. I'm still Johanna Mason.

I'm feeling really tired; I haven't slept that much since the start of the Games. We all wait until the beach in the ten-to-eleven part is free from giant waves and then we make camp. I don't say it but I'm really happy Katniss and Peeta volunteer to guard. If I wasn't this tired, I'd probably be a lot more suspicious. I mean, who says we can trust them other than Haymitch? And even he says they're unpredictable.

I make myself as comfortable as possible on the sandy beach. Beetee's sleeping already a couple meters on my left and Finnick is sitting on my right side. I grab his hand and sigh.

"You should try to get some sleep, Finn. Come on, lie down and sleep."

I give his hand one last comforting squeeze before I let go and turn around. The sand shifting means Finnick has taken my words to heart.

Some forty-five minutes later, I wish he hadn't. I know I was trying to be the better part of myself but Finnick lying next to me, muttering Annie's name over and over again makes it really hard for me to be that better self. _Really_ hard.

I want to cover my ears with my hands but I'm too tired to even lift my arms.

I'm exhausted.

Let's ignore the muttering. Let's ignore it… Let's…

_Annie_.

"Damn it, Finnick!" I mutter angrily. He doesn't budge, keeps on saying Crazy's name.

Time for drastic measures: I take his hand in mine again.

I feel his fingers tighten around my hand and I mentally slap myself. This is emotional suicide!

* * *

Finnick awakens with a sharp cry, causing me to open my eyes to this fucking reality as well. I close them again, desperately trying to get a few more minutes of sleep because it feels as if I'm even more exhausted now after a couple hours of sleep than I was after being awake for forty-eight-ish hours.

Judging from Finnick's tone when he's talking to Katniss and Peeta, I should've opened my eyes. It seemed like he's seen something interesting. Oh well, he'll tell me in the morning over breakfast like we always do when we have the latest scoop on someone. But then I remember: we're in the arena, there's no us sharing gossip over breakfast at his of my floor. There's just a beach, breakfast with the turtledoves and Volts. Nice new family I have there.

Since I can't seem to fall asleep again, I decide to eavesdrop a little. Maybe something I hear can come in handy. But then Peeta brings Katniss over to Finnick's former spot next to me and he says something really cheesy about her and her fake baby. I resist the urge to gag.

Katniss falls asleep as soon as she's laid her head down. She's snoring a little bit and it makes me want to punch her in the face. First of all, if she wanted to snore, she could've done that a couple meters further. Second of all, I'm _trying_ to eavesdrop here! Fortunately, she quits the snoring after a few minutes and now I can hear Peeta and Finnick properly.

"I guess I never really said I was sorry about what happened to Mags." Peeta says.

Real smooth, Peeta. Bring up Mags again only a day after her death.

"Yeah," Finnick mutters.

There's a long pause between the two Victors/tributes before Peeta asks a somewhat disturbing question.

"Finnick, why are you with Katniss and me?"

I open my eyes a little bit to see Finnick's reaction but, as always, he keeps a cool attitude and just shrugs.

"Well, I knew Mags was planning on forming a group with you two. She's always had that urge to protect and since Katniss is pregnant… And I couldn't leave Mags, she's my family."

"I'm sorry to break it to you, Finnick, but Mags is dead now. Why are you still around? And most importantly, why is Johanna? Beetee I can understand, he and Katniss bonded during training. But you and Johanna? She's Johanna Mason. She hates Katniss! Why is she around?"

"Look Peeta, don't question Johanna too much. She's…mysterious but she always has her reasons. And those reasons aren't always bad. Take it from someone who knows her."

"What do you mean 'not always bad'. The girl's crazy! She almost killed Katniss. More than once!"

Peeta's voice is rising and it surprises me Katniss and Beetee hasn't woken up yet.

"She's not crazy. She has a temper, yes, but it's sexy, right?"

_Sexy?_

Finnick continues. "I've known her for a couple of years now and I think I can say I'm one of the few people who knows the real her. And trust me Peeta, she's not someone you want to lose as a friend. She's amazing. I called Mags my family even though we're not related. I would call Jo my family as well. She _is_ my family. She's… Well, she's Johanna."

_What the hell is he doing_? Everyone of Panem is watching this! He could bring our escorts, our stylists, our prep teams in danger!

"Sounds as if you guys have some kind of history." says Peeta.

_Finn, please shut up._

Finnick lets out a chuckle. "Sounds as if you never had to spend two months in the Capitol every year. If you had, you'd know Jo and I are best friends. We go out to clubs together if we're not otherwise occupied, we… we just hang out together. If people want there to be a history, fine, let them believe that. If they don't want there to be a history, they can believe that as well. Whatever helps them sleep at night, you know."

_Whatever helps them sleep at night._

_Whatever helps them sleep at night._


	8. Chapter 8

"Morning, sunshine," Finnick says to me once I'm sitting next to him on the beach.

It's morning, obviously, and Katniss and Peeta are still asleep. I should get up early more often, apparently those minutes are the only ones that do not revolve around our precious mockinjay.

"What's for breakfast?" I ask Finnick as a 'good morning to you too'.

Instead of answering, he just points his index finger in the air. Furrowing my brow, I look up to see a parachute floating down. Guess it's District 3 bread for breakfast. Again. Yummie…

For some reason, I've become attached to seafood. All those dinners at the District 4 floor in the Capitol brainwashed me – or rather _tonguewashed_ me.

I cross my arms over my chest in a desperate attempt to pout but not make it too obvious. Finnick knows what I'm doing though, since he's holding out a piece of the crab he's been eating. I grab it without a word and enjoy the taste of it.

Finnick and I share a few more crabs before I turn around to see if our other comrade is still alive. Beetee's leaning against a tree trunk, eyeing his wire intensely. He's probably thinking about his master plan to get us all out of this stinking arena, although it has delicious seafood.

I turn around again to watch Finnick, who by the way still looks kinda gross with those scabs all over his body. Well, as gross as someone like Finnick can look. Katniss and Peeta look just horrible.

Speaking of Katniss and Peeta, I notice they are headed towards the water, whispering a little bit too suspiciously. I watch them carefully as they are supposedly swimming scrubbing off their scabs. They are up to something, I can tell. It takes more than two premature Victors to fool Johanna Mason.

"What's wrong?" Finnick asks me, pulling me back from my daydream of getting out of this arena without having to pretend to be friends with Katniss.

"Look at them," I say, still watching District 12's tributes.

"Ok… My question remains: what's wrong?"

I turn my head to look at him, disbelief clearly on my face. He just puts another fish-thingy in his mouth. "They're up to something, Finnick! God, sometimes it baffles me that you won your Games when you're so oblivious."

"Wow, easy Mason! I know they're up to something, alright. They're planning to end our little alliance."

I smirk. "Took them long enough to get the message I was sending them."

"We can't let them go, Johanna. You know that."

The use of my full name means he's serious and not willing to argue about it. So I shut my mouth and stare over the water until I feel I'm getting tired again. I obviously have to catch up on my sleep so I stroll over to my current favorite spot and make myself as comfortable as I can. (Snow knows I've known uncomfortable sleeping spots!)

Finnick wakes me up again, says something important is going on.

"Geez, Finn, you look like a newborn! You're so…pink and … ew!" I say with a disgusting note in my voice.

"Glad you finally know how I feel when I see your face in the morning," he torts back while sticking out his hand to pull me up.

"So, what is this so-called important thing? Please don't tell me Katniss is giving birth to her fake bastard baby!"

A chuckle escapes his lips. "No, she's not. It's Beetee's plan for killing Brutus and Enobaria. But for the record, the baby wouldn't be a bastard, since they're married, remember?"

"Yeah, I remember believing nothing about her whole story. It takes a con-artist to recognize one, Finn."

He opens his mouth to say something but he quickly closes it again, deciding it's better to stay silent. He knows I'm right. And he's on my side again. I have the feeling today will be a good day. So I smile.

"Oh, no, don't do that!" Finnick suddenly says.

I'm confused. "What did I do?"

"You…smiled."

I laugh out loud with his dramatically long pronunciation of the 'i' in 'smile'.

"Imagine that, huh," I say, "I'd take a picture if I were you. You won't see it again for another five years."

"One smile from Johanna Mason every five years. I think I can live with that."

"Shut up, playboy. Let's hear what Beetee has to say."

When we arrive at the gathering, Beetee starts to draw the arena in the sand, asking us where Brutus and Enobaria would hide. It's immediately clear to me they'd hide in the jungle but close to the beach. I see Finnick's gaze linger on the edge of the jungle. Well, they did say great minds think alike.

Peeta suggests the beach.

Beetee thinks that's a logical answer, at least the first step in the logical answer. I just think Peeta's an idiot.

To help Peeta and Katniss figure out the career's exact hiding spot, Beetee asks us why they aren't on the beach.

"Because we're here," I say, not willing to wait _another_ five minutes for a ridiculous answer.

"Exactly, now where would you go?"

Katniss suggests the edge of the jungle. Oh, isn't she the _smartest_.

Apparently, Finnick has had enough of this bullshit too since he's trying to hurry up the conversation. We don't want the introduction, we want the specific plan. We know Beetee has a plan to get us out of here, we just don't know what that plan is yet.

Beetee starts to explain everything. Lightning, wire, water, beach, death… It's all really difficult to understand but what I do get is the fact that it's not going to happen this way. Beetee is going to use the lightning and the wire for something else. That means Finnick and I are involved somehow. Honestly, I think it all sounds really dangerous (and let's face it, I'm not one to say something is dangerous if it's not).

Finnick raises his eyebrows at me when Beetee asks us if we're all in. I know he too thinks this is dangerous. First of all, we don't know if Beetee's plan – his real plan – is going to work and secondly, there's a big chance we'll die. If it works, we can die by some freak-arena-thing and if it doesn't work, we can get killed by the Capitol.

I stare back at Finnick, knowing we both have faced death multiple times. But this is different. This isn't something we can fight against. If there's a chance we might die, then we will have to take that chance. That's why we are in the rebellion. Frankly, I like death a whole lot more when I can fight it but this is how it is now.

I tear my eyes away from Finnick's. I don't have to make this decision now, it was made a long time ago. "All right. It's better than hunting them down in the jungle, anyway. And I doubt they'll figure out our plan, since we can barely understand it ourselves."

We break up camp and start heading towards the tree to inspect it. Great, another hike. As if we're not tired enough already. But this is the arena, guess I'll have to get used to it again. But what the hell, we'll be out of here – or dead – in a day. There's no point in getting used to it now.

When we almost arrive at the tree, Finnick suddenly suggests Katniss takes the lead because she can hear the force field. A sarcastic laugh escapes my lips and Finnick returns it. He's just playing with her without her noticing it. We're not stupid, we're Victors for a reason. Little Katniss still has to learn that. But I love to see her squirm. Too bad Beetee doesn't comment on it. It would've been fun. But then again, Beetee has never been much of a 'JoFi'-person, which is how we called people who were like me, Johanna, and Finnick. We invented that term in my first year as a mentor. My tributes both died in the bloodbath and Finnick's last one died a week after that. We still couldn't leave the Capitol and since those Games had been the longest in the Hunger Games history, we decided to kill some time with trying out Haymitch's liquor. The first night we were too wasted to utter a word to each other without vomiting. The second night, the liquor was better and we had kept the whole training centre up by playing loud music. After Cashmere, Gloss, Brutus, Seeder and Haymitch stopped by, threatening to kill us if we didn't turn off that music, Finnick had said: "They are so boring. They're nothing like us, like MASON AND ODAIR! They're just not Odason-people." I had quirked my eyebrows at our nickname. "Odason? Really?"

"Or maybe Madair? They're no Madair-people?"

"No," I had answered, taking another gulp from the bottle, "They're just no JoFi-people. How 'bout that huh?"

Our arrival at the tree snaps me out of my daydream. We all do stuff to keep ourselves busy while Beetee inspects the tree but when it's almost twelve o'clock, we go to the adjacent section to rest and to take a look at what exactly happens when the lightning hits that tree. Of course, Katniss is the one to climb up the tree like a monkey. No, Johanna can't climb trees even though she's grown up in fucking District 7! I've seen and climbed more trees in my life than she has seen … coal… or whatever they do in District 12. For all I care they chase rats, but I am an awesome tree-climber. But no, Katniss is the multi-talented shining star.

When she comes down again, we go back to the ten o'clock section and Beetee gives us the rest of the afternoon off. We all take a short nap and then Finnick catches some fish and oysters while I keep watch. If we hadn't been in the arena, and hadn't been surrounded by Katniss and Peeta's awesomeness, this would've been a great day. I've always liked District 4. It gives me a calm feeling, just to watch the ocean. So beautiful yet so dangerous.

"I can tell by the look in your eyes you're thinking about home," Finnick interrupts my thoughts.

"I was thinking about District 4."

He smiles at me while handing me an oyster. "Why not. It's not because you don't live there, it's not your home. In a way, the Capitol's home as well."

I know he means I could come live in District 4 once the Capitol is defeated. And I might go there. Like I said, I like it in District 4. And the Capitol, I guess he's right about that too. It's way too bright and colorful in the Capitol but I've had some good times there with Finnick, and Haymitch as well. We may be fucked-up but at least we've had fun.

Finnick and I go sit at the edge of the beach, our feet in the water. I'm getting a little bit nervous about this whole escape thing. Before Beetee had let us go, he had taken Finnick and I apart to tell us the real plan. I'm supposed to knock Katniss out while taking the wire to the beach and Finnick should distract Peeta. There are so many holes in that plan. Everything can go wrong. Peeta may be an idiot but Finnick's not really the best liar. Knock out Katniss should go fine. I'm looking forward to that.

"What's on your mind now? You seem to be thinking a lot lately. That's not very you."

"What if one of us gets out? If one of us two _wins_ the Games?"

I'm sure he notices the emphasis on 'wins' and understands what I'm really trying to say: if only one of us can escape.

"Well…"

I raise my eyebrows in anticipation.

He sighs. "I don't know, Jo. I don't have all the answers. I'm a smart guy but I'm not a genius."

I smirk. "A smart guy. Right."

"If one of us wins, I hope it's you."

Well that's not something you hear a lot in the arena. I'm sure the Capitol will cut this part out. It's not really good television. Well, it is but it's not useful for the Gamemakers. It's not _in their favor_.

He takes my hand and squeezes it. We are both hoping to get out alive. Both of us alive. And safe.

"You know what we do best, Finn?"

"Get drunk? Flirt? Party? Kill? Be kick-ass Odason and Madair?"

"No. We suck it up, and smile. And by the way, it's Jofi."

"That's a really nice line, _Odason_. There's only one problem."

"And what is that, _Jofi_?"

"You only smile once in five years."


	9. Chapter 9

When the anthem begins, I feel my stomach tighten. It won't take long now. It's time.

Katniss asks Finnick what's the time and he estimates about nine. He shoots me a look before suggesting we break up camp and go back to Beetee.

It really is time.

When we finally arrive at the lightning tree (even I must admit this: too much bread and seafood is not always good), Beetee and Finnick start to unroll the wire and roll it back up another branch. Although I'm absolutely sure no one else is around, we still have to stand guard.

Beetee explains the rest of the plan: Katniss and I have to take the coil to the water and Finnick and Peeta have to help Beetee. Immediately, there's protest from both Peeta and Katniss. Finnick looks at me. We both want to protest too but we're keeping our mouths shut. As a Victor/Tribute, you have to know what you can and can't reveal. Beetee raises his hand to put a stop to Katniss' whining. "I'm sorry but this is how it's going to be."

She looks at me and I shoot her a sour look. She's not the only one who finds it hard to leave someone behind. At least she still has hope of seeing Peeta again, since she believes that this is just a plan to kill Brutus and Enobaria. I, on the other hand, know what can happen. What _will_ happen. There's only a thirty percent chance Finnick and I will see each other again. Maybe one of us will die, maybe one of us will get captured by the Capitol or maybe we'll both be in the Capitol or District 13.

"If the girls are going to make it out alive, they need to move now," I hear Beetee say. Is his voice shaking just a little bit? God, I hope not. If Beetee's nervous, than I am for sure.

Katniss walks over to Peeta, taking his face in her hands, comforting him, saying everything will work out and they'll see each other again. I wish I could do the same to Finnick but we can only look at each other. I've always believed Finnick was the only one who could look right into my soul and as I'm eyeing him right now, I really hope I wasn't wrong about it.

The coil Beetee throws at me makes me take my eyes off Finnick. "Go, now!" Beetee urges us.

I nod and turn around to see if Katniss is with me. "Let's go," I say.

"Johanna!"

I feel someone grab my arm and I turn around. Finnick pulls me into a short hug. "Be careful, alright?"

I can't answer that question truthfully. In the Capitol's arena no one can be careful. So I just settle with a "See you later, Finn."

A worried look crosses his face but I can't handle this so I turn around and run downhill with Katniss on my side. I'm unwinding the coil and Katniss stands guard. After a while, we switch places. I see she's struggling with the wire but I pretend I don't see it. I'm happy she doesn't say a word. I can tolerate her as long as she's not making any sound. Suddenly, the wire loosens a lot and twists around our wrists and ankles. Finnick must've cut the wire which means it's time for me to do what I have to do. But Katniss looks at me with a terrified and confused expression and I take another look at the wire. It's too short. Finnick didn't cut this, the careers did. Shit. Now I really don't have any more time left. And I have to make it worse. I take the cylinder into my hands and slam it as hard as possible against Katniss' head. I ignore the thoughts in my head. I don't want to feel sorry for her even though she didn't see any of this coming.

I look to my left and I can see the vague figures of Brutus and Enobaria. My heart is beating rapidly in my chest.

I don't have enough time.

I take out my knife and stab it in Katniss' arm, hoping I didn't cut her arteries. _Where is that damn tracker?_

When I find it, Katniss' arm is lying in a pool of blood but she still looks alive. I have to run but if Brutus and Enobaria find her, they'll kill her. I can't let that happen. Not because I've grown fond of her but because she's the Mockinjay. I'm not, she is.

Katniss is moaning and sighing, not able to produce words. Her eyes are focusing and unfocusing but I can't deal with this now. I take her bloody arm and swipe it across her face. Now she looks as if she's not going to make it. Brutus and Enobaria are getting dangerously close, I have to move fast.

"Stay down!" I whisper to Katniss before I take off. I cross my fingers that the Careers will just ignore her and follow me.

I run as fast as I can, terrified Brutus will get me. Enobaria I can handle but Brutus is a little too big for my taste. Maybe if I had him alone, I could win by burying an ax in his chest but I won't win if I have to fight both of them. So I run, like a cowardly first-year tribute. I run, not knowing where to go. I desperately want to go back to Finnick, asking him to help me kill the Careers. But he's still in the lightning zone.

I think.

I don't know where he is. I don't know anything. I can't breathe anymore. I'm falling behind.

"There she is!" I hear Enobaria's triumphant voice shout. I look behind me for a second to see how far they are. I estimate about fifteen meters. Then a large bough hits me in the face. That wasn't there before, I would've seen it. _Stupid_ gamemakers!

I fall down on the ground and touch my forehead. There's a large gash in it but I'll be fine. In the meantime, Brutus and Enobaria have come too close. I roll down a few meters and hide under the roots of a large tree.

"Where the hell is she? I saw her running against that tree! WHERE IS SHE?"

Brutus' rage has always been very entertaining. If I wasn't this terrified, I would've enjoyed it.

"Come on, let's find Odair. He must be around here somewhere. He's not going to leave Mason. Let's kill him and then kill Mason."

_Shit_.

Right at the time I'm thinking about how I should warn Finnick, I hear his voice shouting Katniss' and my name.

_Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!_

I leave my hiding spot to get to Finnick before the Careers do. I see him running through the trees but he's too far away. I can't yell back at him without alarming Brutus and Enobaria. So I run as quietly as I possibly can towards Finnick.

I fall to the ground several times and my head is spinning like crazy. This can't be from running into that tree, can it?

I look around me and see the trees curling around each other, changing colors, dripping blood… What the hell is this? I examine my arms and legs and see a large bite on my elbow. I've been bitten by a tracker jacker. _Fuck_.

I try my hardest to distinguish what's real from what's not. Trees don't do stuff like that in real life, I know that because I'm from District 7. Finnick looking for me is real, because I've known him for a long time now and he cares, that's just who he is.

I can't move anymore so I hold onto the trunk of a not-moving tree. From afar, I can tell Finnick has spotted me but Brutus has seen him and now they're battling. Peeta joins them and so does Chaff. Where did he come from? And where is Enobaria.

I can hear a loud scream. Beetee. Enobaria has him.

I focus on the fight in front of me. Finnick gives me an apologetic but comforting look and heads back to the lightning tree, to find Beetee. Now Brutus and Chaff are wrestling while Peeta is trying to get himself back together. I know Chaff is going to lose this game. He's not as strong, he has only one arm left, he's … dead.

Peeta looks are poor Chaff and looses it. He throws himself at Brutus and not long after that, Brutus lies still on the floor.

Did Peeta just kill Brutus? _Peeta_? Baker-boy Peeta? What the hell is happening with the world?

Oh, wait, tracker jacker venom. That must be it, right? But Brutus is still dead. How's that possible?

Before I can register what's happening, there's a loud crackling sound and the sky turns every color of the rainbow. It's beautiful. Maybe this venom isn't all that bad.

I love this, I love the colors.

Johanna! Johanna!

I hear Finnick's voice. He sounds so scared, so terrified. Why?

My stomach tightens. If Finnick sounds this afraid, something must be terribly wrong.

Now I'm afraid too. My hands are trembling as I look up to the sky. It's going up in flames. Everything is going up in flames.

There's fire all around me. Sweat is dripping from my forehead.

This isn't just the venom anymore. This is real. This was Beetee's plan.

"Finnick!" I shout. "Finnick, help me! FINNICK!"

A hovercraft appears above me. District 13 is coming for us. We're saved.

I stick out my hand, urging the claw to get me when I see it. The Capitol's emblem. No, this is not what I want. I don't want to go back to the Capitol. I want to get out of here safely. Not the Capitol!

"No," I yell at the claw, as if it's going to stop coming down when I command it to stop.

I force myself to get up and run away. I don't get very far. The venom still isn't out of my system. I trip and fall and get up again. But the claw reaches me anyway.

I'm paralyzed.

I'm going back to the Capitol.

I'm going to die.

I really hope Finnick is going to District 13.

Then everything goes black.


	10. Chapter 10

When I open my eyes, all I see is whiteness. I try turning my head to see where exactly I am but I find that I can't move my head; in fact, I can't move anything. I can feel the straps tying my wrists to the bed I'm lying on, the same goes for my ankles. I feel trapped. I _am_ trapped. Where am I?

A voice, belonging to the man standing behind me, brings all my memories back in an instant. I'm happy I can't see him, his voice alone is good enough to make me shiver.

"Welcome back, miss Mason."

I swallow hard, which is surprisingly painful, to remove the anger and fear in my throat.

"How are we feeling today?" Snow asks me.

"Good," I answer. Even speaking hurts like hell. And for the record, I don't feel good, I feel awful.

"I hope so, miss Mason. I am not in the mood to play games today."

Says the man who enjoys watching his precious Hunger _Games_.

"No," I say, "You'd rather have others play them for you."

His face appears above mine so suddenly I gasp. A large, red line is going from his brow to his chin.

"I take it you don't remember giving me one of your souvenirs?" he says, pointing his finger at the wound.

I did that to his face? Wow, congratulations Johanna.

I'm still wondering where I am. How long have I been unconscious? Or doing things that I can't remember?

Snow continues speaking. "We had no idea the sedatives we gave you would have such an effect when combined with the tracker-jacker venom. It was…interesting. You almost resembled our dearest miss Cresta when she saw her district partner's head rolling over the floor all those years ago."

When hearing Annie's name, I get a bad feeling. Has the rebellion thought about her? They must've had a plan for her since Finnick is in it and she's, well, his girlfriend.

"You look like you have some questions. _Fire_ away, miss Mason."

I stay silent. I'm scared out of my wits here but I won't give him everything he wants.

"Fine. I'll just answer your unspoken questions."

This is going to be bad, I know it.

"We know about the rebellion. We know who is in it. We have taken some important pieces of your little game into custody. You, miss Mason, are one of them."

"Who else?"

I wish my voice had sounded a lot fiercer.

Snow just smiles at me. It's a sickening smile which makes me want to put my mark on the other half of his face.

"Let's just say we have enough…leverage."

Oh god, they have Annie. I'm absolutely sure about this. Finnick is in 13, otherwise Snow would've tried something. They have Annie. Who else?

"Miss Mason, if you don't mind, we are going to ask you a few questions."

"I thought you already knew everything. Why am I still here? If you have it all figured out, then kill me or let me go."

Snow puts his finger on my lips to silence me. I fight the urge to bite it.

"Tut tut, Johanna. You are very important to me, you have always been."

I can't help myself: I snort.

"Well," Snow continues, "there are still a few holes in our theory. For example, there's the love that Katniss cherishes for our dearest Peeta Mellark. That's still an issue. Then, let's see, we have the matter of Finnick Odair. I've always known he wasn't the sweet little boy he pretended to be…"

My stomach turns at the words 'sweet little boy'. It makes Finnick sound stupid and ignorant. But it also proves my point about him being in 13.

"And escorts, prep-teams, stylists… What do they mean to you?"

Snow looks at me expectantly.

"That was a question?" I ask.

"Yes. Answer it. What do they mean to you Victors?"

I can't say they mean something to us. The Capitol will torture them for information on us, on the rebellion, if they think Victors are close them. Some of them are in the rebellion themselves. So whichever Victor they have captured alongside me, will be in danger for torture too. There's only one solution.

"The Capitol doesn't mean anything to us, nor do its citizens."

Snow smiles at me again. Everything about his smile screams _danger!_

"Well, in that case…"

He looks up and snaps his fingers at someone I can't see. My bed is moving until it's in a chair-like position. I can see where I am now but I have no clue. It looks like a hospital/basement/prison.

A peacekeeper enters my room, dragging along someone with a black hood over his head. I don't know who it is.

Snow snaps his fingers again. The peacekeeper pulls the hood off the man's head and shoots a hole in his forhead.

My scream stays silent. Shock is the only thing I feel right now.

I have Cinna's blood on my hands.

…

…

"Well, miss Mason, we'll leave you to it now. You can try to apologize to our dear Cinna but I doubt he'll listen."

Snow leaves my room and for the next nine hours, all I can do is look into Cinna's eyes, his dead eyes, and know that it's my fault they're not looking back into mine.

"Goodmorning Johanna, how was your night?"

Snow's voice booms through my cell and I close my eyes, hoping that when I open them, I'll be in District 7 or on the seventh or fourth floor at the training centre.

I didn't sleep last night, I just laid still on my poor excuse for a bed, looking at the humid walls.

I've been in here for two weeks now. At first, all I could feel was the pain and the cold.

Now, I only feel pain.

Snow's hand grips my arm and turns me around, making me fall off my bed.

"Stand up," he says impatiently.

I do as he says but once my face is on the same level as his, I spit in it.

He wipes my saliva calmly off his face. "Well, miss Mason, you just earned yourself an extra course of breakfast."

My eyes widen and I start trembling with fear.

Two peacekeepers enter my cell and drag me with them to the most dreaded room in all of Panem.

The door opens and reveals a basin with water and a lot of wires next to it. I start to scream.

Water. Cold. Pain. Shocks. Water. Another shock.

"So, Johanna. What are the rebellion's plans?" Snow asks once I've recovered a little bit from the latest shock.

"I don't know."

He sighs. "Give her another one."

Before I can protest or scream, I'm under water again.

I don't know how all of this works but it feels like I get shocked every second. I have the feeling my head is going to explode, that my limbs are going to fall off, that I'm about to die.

Oh yes please, let me die. That would be nice.

The screeching of metal doors opening makes me shiver involuntary.

It's been almost four weeks now. I think. I was gone for a few days so I don't know exactly how long I've been in here. It must be almost four weeks. Isn't it about time the rebels came for me?

I can hear him scream again. Loud. Too loud. My hands over my ears won't keep out the agonizing screams.

I've always known the Capitol was cruel. Avoxes, the Games, the so-called _Peace_keepers… They're living proof of the Capitol's brutality. But this is something I've never seen before, never heard of before, never experienced before.

Physical torture is a bitch.

Mental torture is the worst bitch of all.

I wish I could die. But they won't let me. They bring me to the verge of death, ready to drop me into the deep luring ravine. But they always bring me back.

For what?

So I can hear Peeta scream his lungs out, calling Katniss' name? So I can see how Annie zones out every time they come near her? How I lose my mind when I hear footsteps in the hallway, ready to open my, Peeta's or Annie's cell door? So they can burn me with water and fire at the same time?

What is it that they want?

"WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?" I suddenly yell out of nowhere, banging my fists against the concrete walls.

See? I'm not making this stuff up. I _am_ losing my mind. I'm totally spinning out of control. I wish I could zone out like Annie.

For once in my life, I wish I wasn't me.

"We want answers, Johanna."

I turn around but I collapse in an instant. I'm way too weak to be punching anything, let alone a wall. I fall down every second I try something that involves more energy than sleeping. It's easier to just stay on the floor and not move.

"We want answers, Johanna," Snows says again. "But you won't give them. So we shock you. And we will keep shocking you until you give us some answers."

I'm still out of breath from the 'exercises' I just did. Still I manage to squeeze out the words that are more true than the Truth itself.

"I hate you."


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: It's short, I know. Don't hate me for it. But this is dark, way too dark for Johanna Mason. It's hard to write something this dark but it needed to be done so here it is. I'm sorry for not updating sooner but life's pretty hectic right now. Anyway, here's the next chapter.**

Just let me go.

Let me go.

_Please._

Let me go.

Let me go.

I sit with my back against the wall in one of the four corners of my cell. This is my favorite corner. It's far away from the door. And it's dark in this corner because the light from the hallway doesn't shine this far into my cell.

My knees are up to my chin and my arms are clenched around my legs.

Back and forth. Back and forth.

If I stop rocking back and forth, cold washes over me.

Again and again.

Again and again.

Let me go.

_Just let me go._

It has become my mantra. It's all I can say these days. It's all I have been saying in the last couple of…days? Weeks? Months?

I don't know how long it's been. I don't know anything at all.

All I know is that I want them to let me go.

But where would I go?

I have no one left. No one is coming for me. No one is coming for Annie. No one is coming for Peeta.

They have forgotten us.

I've been a Victor for five years or so. I have never been forgotten in five years. Ever.

But now, they have forgotten all three of us.

Forgotten Victors.

Back and forth. Back and forth. Faster. _Back and forth_.

"Johanna!"

Back and forth and back and forth and back and forth.

Let me go let me go let me go.

Hands grip my arms, fingers pop right through my skin, knees scrape over the floor as they drag me to the aquarium. Hair falls to the floor.

Water and cold are trying to drown me, suck me up in their horribleness.

Fire is making its way through my body, trying to escape the boundaries my skin and flesh have put on it.

Fire and water are battling. And I'm the one being ripped apart.

_Let me go._

"Nothing else is coming out of her mouth, mister President. It has been like this for six weeks now. All she says is 'let me go'. We won't get answers from her."

I'm trying my best to focus on the conversation that is happening between Snow and one of his peacekeepers but my mind is stuck on 'six weeks'. Has it really been that long? I thought this mantra was just a new one. But apparently I've been saying it for six weeks. How is that possible? How didn't I know that? Six weeks is an awful long time. I should say something new.

"Mister President? Did you hear me, sir? We won't get answ-"

"I do not want answers from her anymore."

"Sir?"

My eyes flutter open and I try to focus on the people standing next to me. But instead, they focus on Snow's face. His eyes are burning holes through mine.

"I want Johanna Mason to be broken. I want to break the unbreakable. The rebellion needs to see it. If they see what I did to Unbreakable Johanna Mason, they know what I'm capable of."

"They already know that. Everyone knows what a monster you are."

Snow raises his eyebrows at my words.

"I'm sorry, Johanna. What was that?"

Or at least he raises his eyebrows at my mumblings.

Snow hushes the other peacekeepers out until it's just him and me.

"We need to have a talk Johanna. And you don't need to say anything, everyone knows I won't be able to understand you anyway."

I just blink slowly because it's all I can do.

"It's been a long time since we brought you here for the first time, isn't it?"

_Blink._

"Apparently, all those years of arrogant behavior has gotten result: you have no one. Why hasn't anyone come for you yet?"

_Blink. Blink the tear away. _

"Where is Finnick to save Annie? Where is Katniss to save Peeta? Where is… Well, I think you are on your own now, dear Johanna. You have to take care of yourself. But isn't that what you've always wanted? Independence? Look where it got you."

_Close your eyes. Block him out._

"Who do you have?"

I open my mouth to say something.

"I have… fire and … and water."

No sound of footsteps anymore. Snow has stopped pacing.

"Yes, you have fire and water. But even they aren't fighting _for_ you, they're just fighting to win. The only person you have, Johanna, is me. And I am going to take really good care of you, because you are so near and dear to my heart."

_Back and forth. Back and forth._

Help me. Help me. Help me.

I have a new mantra. I don't know for how long I've had it now. All I know is that it's my new mantra.

My head hurts.

I can't stand up anymore. I can't rock myself back and forth anymore. I can't move anymore.

My arms, laying in front of my face on the floor, are covered with burn marks. I don't remember being burnt? Or was it from the battle between Fire and Water inside of me? I don't know.

My head hurts because it's skull on concrete, only a thin layer of skin separating them.

My hair is gone. I don't know where and I don't know when I lost it. It's just gone.

My eyes flutter close. I can't open them again.

Help me.

Pitch black. Beautiful pitch black.

Footsteps. A lot of footsteps.

'_Hurry! Hurry!' _

'_Where are they?' _

'_Find them!'_

My door opens with a bang. My eyes won't open. I'm still looking at a beautifully black abyss.

'_Johanna?'_

It's so far away! I can't hear anything.

Voices from the beautiful black abyss are calling me. Should I jump? Join the voices?

'_Johanna?'_

But who is calling me from down there?

'_Mason!'_

The voice is getting angry, impatient. But I cannot just decide to jump now, right? I need to discuss this with Finnick and Peeta and Annie. I can't just decide on my own anymore. Because I am not alone. I'm not alone anymore and those voices, they don't know that yet.

_I'm not alone anymore._

It's merely a whisper that comes out of my mouth. My eyes are still closed but I smile at my own words.

'_Haymitch! She's alive! HAYMITCH!'_

Why is the voice from the depth calling Haymitch? Is he here? Why would he be here too? He doesn't have to jump. I'm confused…

'_You found her? You-'_

Another voice joins the first one. But they're not talking to me. They're talking to each other.

Other voices join them. I still can't move. I still don't know whether I should jump or not.

'_My god, Johanna.'_

My eyes snap open. No one has ever had so much pity in their voice because of me. Especially not Haymitch.

I'm blinded by the light shining into my eyes.

'_Haymitch? Are you okay?'_

The first voice, belonging to someone tall and muscular, is talking to Haymitch now. Haymitch's blue eyes are piercing mine, trying to comprehend why I am not saying anything, not doing anything. Trying to figure out what broke me.

"Gale, you… You take her to the hovercraft. Please. I can't… I…"

Gale. I know that name, right?

He nods to Haymitch and comes over to me, picking me up and carrying me through the brightly lit hallway. His hands feel way too big around my legs and waist. He's out of proportion, too big. Much bigger than Finnick.

Or maybe it's me. I've become too small, too unimportant, too irrelevant.

"Why didn't you come and help us?"

It's probably the first coherent sentence that comes out of my mouth since my 'let me go'-period.

He doesn't answer me, just opens a door with his back. The sun shines into my eyes.

"It's like magic!" I whisper, my face turned towards the sun.

Gale smirks. "Don't get used to it."

He's grumpy, tall, dark, muscular. Very District 12. And I remember where I heard his name for the first time. The Quarter Quell. Hunger Games. It all seems like nothing compared to my last months.

"You're Katniss's Gale."

"And you are Finnick and Annie's Johanna."

I close my eyes and shake my head. "I'm no one's Johanna. I am no one."

"I'm no one's Gale too. But I am someone. And you are too."

Suddenly, I feel too tired. I rest my head against his shoulder since he still hasn't released me even though we're on the hovercraft. Or maybe it's because I'm holding on to him like an anchor, afraid that if I let go, the door of my cell will open and Snow will get me for another round of Fire versus Water.

I close my eyes but there's no beautifully black abyss waiting for me. It's black with white spots. A spot of hope. A spot of freedom. A spot of life.

"Thank you Gale." I whisper against his shoulder.

He doesn't say anything but he gives a slight nod, letting me know he heard me.

**A/N: I'm not sure about this chapter and the last one. Let me know what you think because this was something entirely new for me and I'm a little bit uncertain about the way I portrayed it.**


	12. Chapter 12: Intermezzo

**A/N: Sorry for the long wait! This chapter is an intermezzo which means it's different from the rest of the story. It's just something I thought was kinda necessary. Let me know what you think. Merry (belated) Christmas!**

Intermezzo

I hate it here in 13. It feels like I'm trapped in a cage below the waters. I wish I was free to roam the seas again, watch sea creatures, catch fish. But the only fish I get to see is that one pathetic little thingy that should represent a fish on my plate. Just looking at it makes me lose my appetite even though I'm really hungry. But it's just not right. I want a real fish.

But then I'm reminded of Annie. And Johanna. Both trapped in the Capitol's dungeons, chained to the walls, lashed with whips. I don't suppose they're getting enough food for even a day.

My heart starts beating way too rapidly and my hands start trembling. This is so wrong.

Why did no one think of Annie before they rescued me, Katniss and Beetee from the arena? Why wasn't she rescued seconds before the actual explosion Katniss caused? No one would've noticed it if suddenly a hovercraft came to pick up Annie right before the Games' finale. She's a Victor after all, so it wouldn't be odd for her to go back to the Capitol to welcome the winner of the Quarter Quell. And why didn't they have enough hovercrafts to rescue Johanna and Peeta as well? There are plenty of hovercrafts in this district. One hovercraft more and we would all be together. Why did they rescue me first? I was so close to Peeta, why would they rescue me instead of Peeta?

"Finnick, is everything alright?" Katniss asks me.

I just shake my head. No, nothing is alright. I'm not supposed to be here. Peeta and Annie are. Not me. I should be imprisoned in the Capitol with Johanna because that was the deal. Our lives for Katniss and Peeta's. Annie didn't even make that deal.

"I think…" I start to say but my thoughts are conquering my ability to speak.

"What do you think? Finnick?" Katniss urges.

"I think they did it on purpose." I whisper.

"_Who_ did _what_ on purpose, Finnick?"

Katniss is beginning to sound impatient. She's usually a bit more cautious around me. I'm not stupid, I can see how everyone reacts when I'm around soo I can see when she's making an effort. But she's not right now.

"The people here. 13. Coin. I think they left Peeta in the arena on purpose. And I think they 'forgot' Annie on purpose as well."

"What?! Why?"

"So they would have leverage. If Peeta and Annie were here, we wouldn't be doing what 13 tells us to do. We wouldn't want to have anything to do with the rebellion. We would've been sick and tired of it. But now they have leverage, do you understand Katniss! They're no better than the Capitol, they _use_ people! They-"

My voice is getting louder and louder until Katniss shuts me up by clasping her hand over my mouth.

"Okay, I follow you. And the Capitol probably rescued Enobaria because she's one of them and they wouldn't want 13 to have a hostage. And as for Johanna, I'm pretty sure she's there as leverage as well. She's one of the rebels, one of the important ones I think, considering here fierceness and viciousness. But I can't think of another reason why they would want Johanna. She's not one to talk and there's no one left for her, she said so herself in the arena. So I doubt she'll outlive all of this."

I open my mouth to reply because it takes a while before I process her words but when I do, they hit me like a brick wall. They have both Annie and Johanna. They know what Annie means to me and they know Johanna and I are best friends. Snow's visit before the Quarter Quell proved the fact that he knows everything there is to know. One of them will probably not live through this, and Katniss is right, it'll probably be Johanna.

"What now?" she asks me, again a little bit too impatiently for my taste.

"Johanna will not outlive this."

I pronounce the words as if I'm talking to a little child.

"Well, she was pretty good at fighting and protecting Peeta and stuff like that, but whatever, it's not like she's our friend, right? Besides, I can only be concerned about one person and that person is Peeta."

Katniss puts her last piece of fish in her mouth and looks at me. The realization dawns upon her face.

"Oh no, you were _friends_?"

I stay silent. As if 'friends' could describe my relationship with Johanna. As if Katniss would understand.

Katniss continues her questionnaire. "Like, good friends or just acquaintances because you were both Victors?"

I stare at my plate, deciding to give her the safest answer. "We were best friends. Still are."

Katniss keeps silent for a second, staring vacantly through the dining hall.

"But Snow didn't know that. No one did. After all these years you've both been Victors, no one knew you and her had bonded." she finally says.

One look at my face tells her Snow knew exactly how close we are.

"Okay. Kinda sucks for you. But why do you think she won't survive this? Then she's just leverage as well if you are best friends."

"It'll be either her or Annie."

I wait for Katniss to figure it out herself but for some reason, she's still a bit messed up inside so I tell her myself.

"Johanna is stronger than Annie. They know that. They'll think Johanna knows _way_ more about the rebellion than Annie does, which is in fact the case, so they won't just torture her to get the information they want, they'll destroy her. And she won't give in, I know her. Annie doesn't know enough, she's pretty safe. Annie is just there to get to me. Johanna is there to get to me _and_ to get information from. Katniss, they have to come back, all of them! Except for Enobaria, she can choke on her own ego."

Katniss smirks at my last comment but then her face turns serious again. She just said she didn't really care about what will happen to Johanna but I know she's feeling guilty right now. Johanna saved her by almost killing her, Johanna was there to protect Peeta, Johanna brought Beetee and Wiress to Katniss. She might not think Jo's a loveable person but she respects her. Everyone who knows Johanna respects her.

Prim suddenly decides to say something as well. "I always thought there was more to her than everybody saw."

I completely forgot Prim was sitting at our table. I guess my mind is still a bit messed up like Katniss's. But what Prim just said brings a small smile to my lips. She just became my favorite person of the day.

"You wouldn't like her, Prim. Johanna's rude, offensive, insults everyone who happens to be around her and occasionally attacks people for no reason at all. Did I mention how rude she is?"

Prim just shrugs. "Maybe that's why I will like her." And with that, she closes her conversation with Katniss. Who knew this little girl could stand up to her famous sister like that and still be so polite and nice?

I decide it's time for another conversation with my psychiatrist so I stand up, ready to leave my plate at the table next to the door, but Prim suddenly catches my arm.

"Both your girlfriend and your best friend will return, Finnick. I believe they will. And you have to introduce me to both of them, okay?"

She smiles at me and the smile which was already on my face from her previous comment widens. I promise her I will introduce her and I know both Annie and Johanna will love Prim, although Jo will never admit it to anyone but me.


	13. Chapter 13

I'm so tired I can't even bring myself to claim a seat of my own so I just stay in Gale's arms. But even though I am tired and probably look tired, _deadly_ tired, I can't sleep. It's something I never thought I would say but I'm too scared to close my eyes, scared that if I open them again, I'll be back in Snow's claws, flirting with the verge of insane, almost dead but still a tiny bit alive, alive enough to know what's happening to me.

For the couple of hours I spend on this hovercraft, I'm clasping Gale's uniform, as if it's an anchor connecting me to my freedom. He doesn't say anything and neither does anyone else. Haymitch's eyes are darting between me and an unconscious Peeta. Peeta is like a son to him and me, I'm just an old friend of his. Concern is written all over his face and I can tell he's dying to free Peeta from his chains but he knows he can't. Peeta has become a monster. And I have become the opposite of the monster I used to be: I'm a weakling now. I'm weak. Holding on to someone for dear life, afraid to let go, afraid to close my eyes. I don't even recognize myself. I didn't always like myself before but I'd give anything to be that 'monster' again, to not be like this anymore.

Tears are threatening to spill my eyes and when they do, Haymitch takes my free hand in his. It's comforting to know they have finally come for us. After all this time.

Over the past few weeks or months (I'm still not quite sure how long I've been a prisoner of the Capitol), I've grown some kind of sense of responsibility for Peeta and Annie. I felt like I was the one who had to make sure they didn't lose hope, to make them believe the rebels were coming for us even though I had started to doubt it myself.

I look for Annie and when I see her, a sense of relief washes over me. She's humming some odd tune to herself, a smile plastered on her face. At least she's still the same sweet Annie she used to be and at least one of us three will get a warm welcome. I doubt Peeta and I will receive claps on the back because we remained so strong against the Capitol's torture methods. All we will get are angry stares of looks of pity. I don't want to get looks like that. I have to change back to my old self. Immediately.

To add force to my mental statement, I pull my hand out of Haymitch's but that's as far as I can go. There's no energy left in my body to even put a sour look on my face.

I study everyone's face during the remaining hours, it's not like I have something better to do. I only know Haymitch. And now I also know Gale. The others look like military robots. Suddenly, my eye falls on a bloodstain on Gale's shirt. That stain and the pained look on his face indicates he's hurt.

I don't say anything, I don't have the energy to utter words, I just stare at it until Gale explains it, which he does by the words "It's nothing". Yeah. Right. Nothing. Tough guy, that Gale.

For some reason, which is still unknown to me, I can't get enough air. It has happened to me several times in the past few…days… I guess. My fingers tighten around Gale's shirt as I'm struggling to get oxygen into my lungs. But just like all the other times, darkness is the only result.

* * *

I have to blink a few times to adjust my eyes to the sudden light shining above me. What is it with all this brightness? I have seen darkness for way too long, can't they make the transition stage a bit more comfortable? I mean, don't they have dimmer lights?

"How are you feeling?"

I can't help but feel disappointed. This voice is not the one I wanted to hear. Not even close.

"Like shit." I respond.

"It gets better." Gale says in a soft voice.

"Yeah, and you'd know that because you were a prisoner there as well, right?" I snap.

I turn my head around to look into his eyes. I don't want him here, why does he think I do?

He just looks back at me, which frustrates me even more.

"Quit looking at me. Why are you here?"

"This is a hospital. I'm injured."

"I thought it was _nothing_," I say, quoting his words from back then in the hovercraft.

He just shrugs. "Apparently it was something."

I turn my head back to look at the ceiling. "Whatever. I didn't mean here in the hospital, I meant here in my room. Why are you _here_?"

"You've been unconscious for a few hours now and no one has kept you company so I figured you might like it if someone was here when you woke up. Obviously not so I'll just go now."

He stands up, ready to leave. Before he walks out of my room and closes the door, I yell at him.

"Yeah you do that! I don't need your company! I'm doing just fine on my own!"

But the truth is, I'm not doing fine on my own. No one has come to see me since I arrived in this shithole. No one. Not even Finnick. Not even Katniss, whom I protected in the arena. No _fucking_ one.

I start kicking around in this bed, realizing they chained me to it. This is an unintended but nonetheless cool reminder of my first days in the Capitol's prison. Before I know it, I'm a hysterical woman again. Doctors rush in and give me a shot of something.

I feel numb.

It's a nice feeling for a change.

No pain.

No nothing.

A soft knock on my door announces someone's arrival.

"Can I come in?"

This is the voice I wanted to hear. It used to be present tense but now it's past tense. I don't want to hear his voice anymore. So I stay silent, pretend I'm asleep.

"Johanna, you know I can always tell when you're pretending."

I keep acting as if I can't hear him, as if I'm lost in my own dreamless sleep.

I hear him sigh but he doesn't leave. In fact, he enters my room and goes to sit in the very same chair Gale was in just moments – or has it been longer? – ago.

I don't care if he sits there or not, I just continue to 'sleep'. I like pretending.

He sighs a couple of times and I know he does that to keep himself from crying. Whatever. If he wants, he can drown in his tears. I don't care and I certainly won't.

"I'm sorry, Jo," he whispers, "I'm sorry I wasn't there with you. I should've been. That was the deal. I'm sorry I bailed out on you."

"Wouldn't be the first time."

I mentally curse myself. The words had slipped out of my mouth before I even thought them. Now he knows I'm awake.

Finnick chooses not to respond to my insult even though he knows it's true. Or maybe just because. So we stay silent for a very long time. Until I'm crying like there's no tomorrow. And when Finnick crawls into my bed to hold me, I don't stop him. I may appear to be tough but I do need the comfort. And only Finnick can give me that. So I lean into his chest and grab his collar, crying crying and crying.

"Why didn't you come?" I manage to squeeze in between my tears.

I'm not sure if I mean why he didn't come to rescue us, why it took them so long, or why Gale was here in my room and not him.

Finnick will obviously choose the latter option. "I don't know."

Suddenly I let him go and push him out of my bed. "You _never_ know!" I scream.

"Jo, please listen –" he pleads.

"NO! I get it, you love Annie. But she's fine! No harm has been done to her! Look at _me_, your _best_ friend. LOOK. AT. ME."

I know I'm playing a pathetic card here, asking him for pity, but it's not fair. I was the one that had to endure the most horrible things. Annie was just…there. And Peeta, he's brainwashed, he doesn't know. I know everything. Every shock, every sting, every kick and beat, everything.

A couple of nurses come in, each having a syringe in their hand, but Finnick waves them off, tells them to stay away, to let us have our conversation.

"Johanna, I _am_ looking at you. And you look awful. But you look good as well."

I stare at him, not quite sure if I heard him right.

A sad smile – but a smile nonetheless – spreads on Finnick's face. "You're alive. That's more than I could hope for. I thought you were dead. I thought that's why they only mentioned Annie and Peeta when they were planning the rescue. I –"

"What?!" I gasp. So they weren't even planning on rescuing me?

Finnick opens his mouth to say something but no sound comes out. We just stare at each other, open-mouthed, taking in all the new and unpleasant surprises life in 13 has to offer.

"Leave." I manage to say. And for this once, Finnick obeys immediately.


	14. Chapter 14

When I open my eyes, the first thing I see is Haymitch and Finnick talking just outside my hospital room. Through the window I can see they're having a mildly heated discussion but I can't hear what's it about. Now that I'm awake, my whole body aches again. A involuntary grunt escapes my lips as I shift my body to lay a bit more comfortable. My movements must have gotten the attention of the two men outside and they move towards the door, about to pay me a lovely visit.

"Don't let him in! Abernathy, don't!" I instantly yell at Haymitch, prohibiting him to let Finnick in.

Judging from Haymitch's confused look, Finnick hasn't told him about our little fight yesterday and his hesitation gives Finnick enough time to ignore my angry shouts, swerve around Haymitch and enter my room.

"You look much better, my dear Jo," he says while making himself comfortable on the end of my bed.

I try to kick him under the covers but I can hardly get a pained yelp from him so I give up my attempts to hurt him. Instead, I just tell him to go back to his girlfriend's compartment. "Or is it _your_ compartment together already?" I add, sarcastically emphasizing the 'your'.

"It is actually," he says bluntly.

I fall silent. It's more a stubborn silence than a silence because I don't know what to say.

"Aw come on, Jo. If you're feeling lonely, you could always move in with us?"

"A ménage-à-trois with you and miss Crazy? Sounds tempting but no, thanks."

He lets out a chuckle before he retorts. "You know, she's actually doing wonderful. Much less crazy than you, Mason."

I snort. "Whatever you say, pretty boy."

"Good to know I still have my looks. Thanks for pointing that out."

He runs his hand dramatically through his hair, nonchalantly messing it up so he would look even more handsome.

"I was just comparing your looks to mine right now. Even Katniss looks like a freaking model next to me."

"Jealous much?"

"Let's just say I'm happy that I won't be much in demand for a date here in 13. Maybe you should try some torture as well, does wonders on your general image and appearance."

I don't know why I can speak so lightly about everything that has happened to me in the six weeks I was imprisoned but I find it brings me some kind of relief to talk about it to someone I know won't make a big deal out of it. Or at least I hope he won't.

"So," he suddenly asks, obviously trying to change the subject, "What have you been up to since you banished me from this room?"

I make a weird hand gesture that implies 'not much'. "Just a few psychologists, morphling and Hawthorne showing up every now and then."

"Gale? Why would _he_ come here?"

Is that…a hint of… jealousy? Could it really be? I decide to test that theory a bit.

"Oh you know, just bonding with me since no one else does and you're too busy playing house with Cresta. So you know, friend stuff."

"Right."

Now _he_ falls in a stubborn silence. I try to contain my amusement but he's so deep in his childish behavior (something he probably learnt from me over the years) that he wouldn't even notice if I was laughing in his face.

"Well," I say to wake him up from his thoughts, "This was a nice conversation but if you're not going to say anything, then could you go find Hawthorne for me? We have some … things to discuss."

I couldn't care less about Hawthorne but it's been a long time since I had this much fun and teasing Finnick has always cracked me up so I'm not planning on letting this opportunity slip through my fingers.

"What kind of things?"

I have clearly sparked his interest.

"Just things."

I know how much Finnick hates my mysteries and secrets: almost as much as I hate his.

"What kind of things, Johanna? Why won't you tell me?"

"Because you don't have to know everything about me, Finnick!"

The look on his face is so sad and dumbfounded because I'm leaving him in the dark but yet it's way too funny for me to let him off the hook.

"Ok." He crosses his arms and stares at me angrily. "I'm not leaving until you say what kind of things."

"You're a child." I say.

"You're a secret-keeper."

"Puppy."

"Huh?"

I let my tongue hang out of my mouth and let my hands down, imitating a little puppy. "Annie! Annie!" I scream in a high-pitched voice.

Finnick looks at me for a second before he bursts out in laughter. He's laughing so hard, he has to cling to my bed not to fall off it.

"Aaah, one day, Johanna," he sniffs, wiping the tears of laughter off his face.

"One day what? I'll be a puppy as well?"

"You're already becoming Gale's pup, right?" he asks me, still smirking every now and then.

"I am not becoming anyone's pup nor will I ever become one. And neither should you by the way. You're Finnick Odair, keep that in mind, will you!"

I'm getting frustrated and my body is hurting again.

"Yeah yeah, Finnick Odair. It's something. Oh and eh, Gale's not here anymore. He's in 2."

"What?!" I shoot up, almost knocking Finnick to the ground.

"Yes, with Katniss. Apparently she couldn't handle being around Peeta who hates her so much so she went to 2."

"Coward." I mutter.

I mean, I like Finnick in more ways than just best friends-way and he likes Annie more than me but I'm not running to another district to avoid it. Everyone has things they don't really want to deal with. But then again, Peeta is kinda scary. But he can't help it and Katniss should stick around to be mental support or something like that. So conclusion: she's a coward.

"Speaking of Peeta," I continue, "how is he doing?"

Finnick shrugs. "Not very well. Prim had a good idea though, to hijack him back. That reminds me, she wanted me to introduce her to you."

"Yeah well you can do that when I'm not hooked on morphling and when I don't look like a mutt."

"Aww it's not that bad anymore, you even have a few hairs growing back on your head! Look, one, two, three, _four _hairs!"

I slap his hand away from my head but unfortunately, he was just pinching the last hair between his thumb and index finger so I yelp when he pulls it out. "Oh, now you have only three. Yeah you're right, I'll wait a few more days to introduce you guys," Finnick laughs.

"I hate you," I mutter, shooting him an playful angry look.

"You adore me. Can't blame you, I adore me too."

"Yeah and so does the Capitol's population. I heard about the propo. Never thought you could be this tough."

He shrugs again and steals one of my pillows to put behind his back. "I didn't want to do it at first. Too hard. But then Plutarch said in an oh-so-soft voice that he was sure I could hear: 'Johanna would've done it'."

"Happy to be a good influence on you. But seriously, I'm proud of you for that."

I give him a genuine smile and he smiles back. Ok, so I guess we're friends again. It happens all the time: Finnick and I fight and one way or another, before we both know it, we're friends again.

"So what are they doing in 2?" I ask my renewed best friend.

"I don't know, probably doing all kinds of heroic stuff to get more people on our side."

"Our side," I whisper, thinking about what our side actually is. What will happen if the Capitol wins? They can't just kill every single district citizen, that's impossible. And what if the rebels win? What will they do to Peeta and me? We both said things to Snow we shouldn't have.

"What are you thinking about?" Finnick asks me while fidgeting with his rope.

I pause for a second, not sure how to explain my fear. "Just… I'm safe now right? But for how long?"

He gets a non-comprehending look on his face as his eyebrows come together and he vacantly stares over my head. "I don't know."

I let out an exasperated sigh. "Finnick, for once try to come up with another answer than 'I don't know'. It's getting old."

"But what do you mean? You're not in the Capitol anymore, you're here in 13, in the hospital. You're safe. The Capitol can't hurt you anymore."

"But how can we trust these people? What makes you so sure they will look after us when we win?"

"I have a bad feeling about the thoughts roaming around in your head right now, Mason. Spill it."

I look into his eyes to let him know what I'm about to say is serious business, serious as in 'this doesn't go any further than us two'-serious. "Peeta and I told things about the rebellion. Peeta mainly after he was hijacked but I… I said things, Finnick. Secret stuff. Stuff that could've gotten you all killed."

He climbs over my bed until he's lying right next to me. I lift my head to he can put his arm around me and I can crawl into the safety of his body.

"No one got hurt, Johanna. Whatever it is you said, it didn't do any harm."

I appreciate the fact that he doesn't ask what exactly it was that I said. Truth is, I can't really remember. All I know is the pain that preceded my talking and the pain that followed.

"There's something else too…"

I feel Finnick tense beneath me and I know he has heard the tremor in my voice. His hand strokes my bald head before I can even tell him.

"Go ahead, I won't judge, you know that."

When I start crying uncontrollably, I let him know this is going to be worse than anything else. His hand just keeps stroking my head and cheek.

I can control myself just long enough to tell him. "Finn, Cinna's dead because of me."

He doesn't respond to that, his arms just tighten around me, as if he's afraid I might die too just because I said that, as if I might let myself slip away because of what I did.

"Cinna was too dangerous in the eyes of the Capitol. You had nothing to do with it, Johanna," he comforts me.

"They shot him right in front of me, because I told Snow that we, Victors, don't care about our stylists and mentors and prep teams."

"Why did you say that?"

He's not accusing me of anything, he's just asking a simple question.

"Because I was afraid that, if the Capitol knew how much we did care about our prep teams and stylists, they would torture them. But then he shot Cinna. And then he and that peacekeeper left, leaving Cinna locked up with me for hours. All I could do was stare at his blank eyes! Finnick, I …"

"Ssht. It's not your fault."

As Finnick is gently holding me, comforting me, Annie suddenly walks in, a euphoric expression on her face.

"Hi Johanna! Finnick, are you coming? Plutarch wants to talk to us about the wedding!"

Finnick's arms tense around me but I hardly pay any attention to it as Annie's words slowly sink in. My tears have stopped coming: they're making room for shock.

You know these moments in life where people tell you they didn't know what to say, or that the worst possible situation turned out to be the change they needed so much? And you know how you feel when you hear people tell you such things? You don't believe them. You laugh in yourself, thinking they're nuts. Thinking they're just lying to themselves to feel better. But right now, I feel the need to lie to myself as well. Because this is the worst possible situation for me. And Finnick knows it, and that's why he didn't say anything about the wedding. He was going to wait until I was mentally in a better place. And I love him for that. That's the reason why he, and nobody else, is my best friend. And I know that this moment will just be a story I'll once tell, perhaps to my children, perhaps to a stranger. It'll be a story about a girl losing her very _best_ friend to another girl. But right now, it's my reality. A reality I didn't see coming, one that snuck up on me and bit me in the ass. And once again, I hate reality.


	15. Chapter 15

Finnick and I are not fighting. After Annie dropped the bomb about their wedding, Finnick quietly left after giving me a quick kiss on my head. We are not fighting, but we are not speaking either. I don't know what we are doing. All I know is that I don't hate him, I'm not mad at him, but I haven't seen him yet and I don't want to.

I have the feeling that something has ended and we didn't see it coming. It was out of our hands. And I don't think we can grab it back. But I'm not mad for it.

The doctors are giving me much less morphling than they used to, and I hate the feeling of mental pain even more than the physical pain. So, when Katniss returns, I take the opportunity to steal a bit of her morphling. After all, she didn't really have a wound worthy to be called 'a wound' so I figured she wouldn't mind. It was a bit hard at first, taking out the IV. Luckily, the doctors thought she did it herself, in her sleep. Little did they know I was watching them from behind my curtain. And from then on, I could steal all the morphling I wanted.

I'm just about to put the IV in my own arm when Gale walks in.

"Hawthorne! Long time no see. How have you been? Oh no, wait, don't tell me, I don't care," I say.

He doesn't respond to my comment, just asks how Katniss is feeling.

"Oh you know, numb from the morphling I guess," I say, finally turning around to look at him. "And if she does open her eyes, she thinks she's hallucinating."

"Numb from the morphling huh? Even with you taking it all the time?"

"She's a lightweight."

It's silent for a while. I'm enjoying the feeling of morphling running through my veins and he's enjoying the sight of his beloved Mockinjay. It's pathetic how much he cares for her and still tries to maintain his hard and strong appearance. She's going to choose baker-boy eventually.

"Get over it, tough guy. You're just the best friend."

He smirks. "And how do you feel about Finnick and Annie's wedding, Johanna?"

A mocking smile lingers on his lips, clearly saying _touché_.

* * *

I'm lying in my hospital bed, bored out of my mind and shivering from the memories of Snow's prison. I hear some movement and some grunts, signaling Katniss is finally awake, _fully_ awake.

I whip back the curtain separating my room in two (I actually have to share my hospital room with the Mockingjay. What an _honour_!) and look at her. Her face gets a scared look and then I remember the last time she saw me, she probably thought I was killing her.

"I'm alive," she says with a hoarse voice.

I roll my eyes. "No kidding, brainless."

I take out her IV again to put it in the socket of my arm. She doesn't say anything, just watches me. After a while, the staring gets a little annoying so I explain the fact that my amount of morphling has been cut back. I can tell she feels way too guilty about me being tortured. I don't want her pity but if it gets me the morphling I want, I'm not complaining.

The morphling entering my bloodstream makes me sigh in relief.

"Maybe they were onto something in 6," I say, thinking about the constantly drugged tributes from the Quarter Quell. I never knew their names, partly because I didn't care and partly because no one could fully understand them when they said their names; or nobody believed them.

"Drug yourself out and paint flowers on your body. Not such a bad life. Seemed happier than the rest of us, anyway," I continue.

Now that I think about it, they did seem very happy. And all the other tributes did was sighing and whining about the people from 6. It's like we were all afraid of happiness although we all said we were happy and thought all we wanted to be was happy. We were fools. Still are. And no one is truly happy. Not now.

I turn my head again to face her, and I compare her with me. We're different but we're not too different. There are a lot of similarities. I don't like them but that doesn't mean they aren't there. She's impulsive as well, and since lately I hear she's becoming more and more…shall we say… eloquent, although I have still managed to keep my crown on that one. She's stronger than I first thought she'd be, but that doesn't mean she won't collapse somewhere in the future. I know she will. And if she does, she'll have to go see the same shrink like I'm seeing every day. I decide to give her a little heads-up, but I'm not about to hand it to her on a plate.

"They've got this head doctor who comes around every day. Supposed to be helping me recover. Like some guy who's spent his life in this rabbit warren's going to fix me up. Complete idiot. At least twenty times a session he reminds me that I'm totally safe." I smirk and smile ironically at her. "How about you, Mockingjay? You feel totally safe?"

She makes a face that just screams for pity. "Oh, yeah. Right up until I got shot," she says.

I roll my eyes again (ugh, it's like I'm training for the Eye-rolling Games with her). "Please. That bullet never even touched you. Cinna saw to that."

My voice almost gets stuck in my throat when I say Cinna's name. It still hurts, no matter how hard Finnick tried to comfort me and to talk the guilt out of my head, I still blame myself for Cinna's death. He didn't deserve that. And Katniss doesn't deserve to know that the murderer of her favorite Capitolian is sitting on her bed, tapping off her morphling and having chit-chat with her. She doesn't need to know this. It's for her own good. And maybe for mine as well.

Katniss is asking me what exactly is causing her pain. She's guessing broken ribs. She's _such_ a baby.

"Not even. Bruised pretty good. The impact ruptured your spleen. They couldn't repair it but don't worry, you don't need one. And if you did, they'd find you one, wouldn't they? It's everybody's job to keep you alive."

I smile at her like they do in those stupid Capitol propos for the next new color of wig. No matter how many people get killed, everyone would _happily_ sacrifice themselves for the beloved mockinjay.

"Is that why you hate me?" she suddenly asks. If only she knew how close she was to the truth.

"Partly," I admit, "Jealousy is certainly involved. I also think you're a little hard to swallow. With your tacky romantic drama and your defender-of-the-helpless act. Only it isn't an act, which makes you more unbearable. Please feel free to take this personally."

See? I'm still the Queen of Eloquence. Way better than being the Mockinjay, if you ask me.

"You should have been the Mockingjay. No one would've had to feed you lines," she says in a weak voice. Even she thinks I should've been the Mockinjay! Probably just because she's too afraid to do it herself but even so, she said it out loud. It's hard to admit it but Katniss just boosted my ego.

"True. But no one likes me," I respond. I know it's true that no one likes me and frankly, I don't care. I used to care, not anymore. The less people liked me, the less costumers I had in the Capitol – and I still had plenty.

"They trusted you, though. To get me out," she reminds me. "And they're afraid of you."

This girl is getting smarter by the minute. Maybe she should get shot more often, if it makes her say things like that. But now that I think of it, they might have been afraid of me once, but not anymore, not after they've seen I'm basically harmless because I have people to protect, friends I have to protect. I already had my family killed, I couldn't get Finnick or Mags, or even Annie, killed.

"Here, maybe. In the Capitol, you're the one they're scared of now," I whisper while giving her back her morphling drip. I hear movement behind me and as I turn around, I see Gale coming into the room. I feel a grin appear on my face as I turn back my attention to Katniss. "Your cousin is not afraid of me," I say, removing myself from the bed and walking over to Gale. "Are you, gorgeous?" I lightly bump my hip against his and the partly shocked, partly blushing look on his face makes me burst out in laughter. Sometimes, people are so easy to tease. Especially the ones from 12.

* * *

The next few days are fun and not so fun at the same time. Fun because there's a lot to do in 13 and everyone seems happy for a change. Those serious looks on everyone's faces made me even sourer than I already am. On the other hand it's not so fun because, well, it's all about the wedding. Plutarch and Coin are fighting over every single stupid little detail, every kid is running wild and practicing songs and every adult is decorating. And of course, since I'm an adult, I'm practically obliged to help decorate the place as well. At first, I screwed it up on purpose, just because I hate decorating. But then, I really wanted it to be pretty for Finnick because he deserves it, but I just screwed up without intending to screw up. Guess I'm not such a creative person. And just because I can't do what I want to do, I'm pissed again. And the looks Hawthorne is shooting me, which vary between amusement and pity, are no help at all.

But then finally, it's wedding day. If only Belli was here, my old escort. She would've been thrilled about it. But then it occurs to me that she's dead. Just like Cinna is. And Finnick's stylist and escort. I saw some of them in Snow's prison, and then I suddenly didn't see them anymore. But I never saw Effie Trinket. Maybe there's still hope for her, wherever she is.

I turn around to see Finnick and Annie standing closely together, so infatuated by each other's beauty and love. I feel jealousy, yes, but I think everyone in this room is jealous about them. They have each other, most of the people here have no one anymore. I know I don't. Everyone has lost people they cared deeply about. I decide to shake it off and just have fun for the time being.

I see Katniss watching the dancers and I am suddenly so angry with her. She has had so many opportunities to laugh in Snow's face but she never takes them. I walk over to her and grab her arm fiercely. "Are you going to miss the chance to let Snow see you dancing?" I ask her, practically forcing her on the dance floor.

Suddenly I feel two strong arms wrap around my torso from behind. I'm about to turn around to sucker punch the culprit in the face when I realize the person smells all too familiar.

"You can be mad or depressed or in pain all you want but I won't let an opportunity to dance with you slip away. Now come on, Mason. Dance!"

I don't have time to hesitate, he takes my right hand in his and pulls me into a very energetic dance. The amount of jumping and hopping that is required, brings a smile to everyone's face, including mine.

Like I said, I'm not mad at him and I'm not hurt. My best friend just got married, he's happy and the girl he can now call his wife is amazing. And in this moment I realize that I didn't lose him. He's still my Finnick, only married to Annie. And I'm fine with it. Finnick and I are too much alike to ever work. Yes, we do have a lot more than friendship and yes, you can call it love. But it's a very different kind of love than the _get-married-and-have-lots-of-babies_-love. It's the _we-are-always-here-for-each other_-love, the _I-will-never-let-you-down_-love. It's not less than the first love and it's not more. It's equal. But still different. Finnick and Annie marrying gave me the opportunity to know which kind of love Finn and I have. So that worst possible situation I was in a week ago, turned out to be the change I needed.

A tear falls down from my eye. Finnick sees it and his expression changes into worry but I pull him into a hug to whisper in his ear. "I am so happy for you, Finnick. For both of you."

He pulls away to look at my face, see if I'm being sarcastic. But I'm not and he knows it was not a tear of sadness but a tear of joy. A smile crosses his face, wider than I've ever seen.

"So we still _luuuuuv_ each other?" he asks, a goofy grin still plastered on his face.

I nod. "Yes. A different love than you and Annie, but yes, we do. We're still Madair and Odason." I answer with a very exaggeratedly seductive wink.

"I thought you preferred JoFi?"

"Whatever, I like all three of them."

We continue to dance until the song changes, and that's when I decide to go sit down. I'm not strong enough, for some reason. Oh, right, the morphling is probably slowing me down. Damn it.

Gale walks over to me, compassion dripping from his face.

"Oh, drop it, Hawthorne! Go dance with Mockinjay and let me be happy for once," I wave him off. Not even he can ruin this day for me.


	16. Chapter 16

"Excuse me?" I hiss. "What do you mean 'you cannot go to the Capitol'?"

"It means you can't go, Johanna," Haymitch says, his hand covering his eyes in exasperation.

"Is this a joke?" My breathing gets heavier by the second, angrier. I must look like a bull ready to attack.

"No, it is not a joke. You are not going. That's the end of it."

"Oh hell no! It's the end when I say it's the end and THIS, Abernathy, is _not_ the end of it!"

He sighs, looks at me one more time, shakes his head and then leaves my room.

How can they not let me go?! I'm a Victor, I'm supposed to go to the Capitol and slaughter all the ones who deserve it. What do they expect me to do? Just sit here and wait, watch the television, hoping to see how the precious Mockinjay gets to kill Snow? He's _my_ kill. He always was. Well, I bet there are enough others who have some good reasons of their own to kill him but they weren't tortured by him! He's my kill and now they won't even let me go! They will just leave me here, like a weakling.

As I am grunting, pouting and almost behaving like a five-year-old, Katniss suddenly walks in. I look up, only to see her expression very much resembling mine.

"What's wrong with you?" I ask her, not able to keep the sarcasm and anger out of my voice.

"Well, they won't let me go! I'm the Mockinjay and they won't let me go!"

I smirk. "Join the club, princess."

Her expression falters. "You can't go either?"

I shake my head in response.

Her eyes dart towards the floor and I can just see the radars in her brain, definitely over-thinking something. Whatever it is she's thinking about, I'm pretty sure she's going to say it in a few seconds.

"Maybe they'll let you train as well, like me?"

See? I told you she was going to say it. Compassion is on my side today.

"Train?" I ask skeptically.

"Yes. We both never went to training, you because you were still in the Capitol and me because, well because I hid in closets all the time."

I let out a chuckle at her bluntness. Hiding in closets. Classic. I did that one myself a few years back, when I didn't want to go on another date Snow set me up with. It took Finnick hours to find me. When I went back to District 7 after that incident, my childhood friend had died of a 'heart attack'.

"Hiding in closets is never good. Trust me." I say. The memory of my hiding adventure still makes me sad but I keep smiling at Katniss. Don't ask me why but it looks like I'm starting to tolerate her more. Actually tolerate _her_, not just her morphling.

"Well, let me ask Coin to let you train as well", she offers. "I mean, come on, every single one of us should go to the Capitol!"

I raise my eyesbrows mockingly. "Annie? Peeta?"

"Well, not those," she says with a quick wave of her hand. "Only the sane ones."

"Don't let Finnick hear you," I mutter in a sing-song voice.

She looks at me questioningly and then shrugs.

After a few minutes of silence, she moves to sit next to me on my bed.

"Can I ask you something?" she asks.

"You already are."

"How well do you know Finnick?"

I feel my eyebrows knot together in confusion. "Why would you ask me that?"

She shrugs again. "Because in the arena I often wondered if you two were just acquaintances or friends or you know, maybe more."

I look at her for a while before answering. "Your relationship with Gale?" She nods so I continue. "That's what I have with Finnick. We're two pieces cut out of the same cloth. We're wired the same. We're best friends. He knows me better than anyone."

She nods a few times. "Yeah, just like me and Gale…"

I can see and hear the hesitation at the end of her sentence, signaling there is something she's not telling me.

"Okay, spill it."

"What?!" she asks, blushing a little.

"Whatever you're not telling me."

She sighs, obviously contemplating whether to tell me or not. "Gale and I … kissed… a few times."

"Figured," I smirk.

"So your friendship with Finnick is not that similar to mine with Gale."

"What makes you think that?"

She turns to look at me so fast, I'm afraid she almost had a whiplash. "You and Finnick?"

"Aah, whatever," I say, letting my head fall on my pillow. "A few kisses never hurt anyone."

She scoffs. "Never hurt anyone, huh? What about Annie?"

I glare at her. "What about Annie? Who the hell do you think you are to judge? Huh, Katniss? Tell me, did you or did you not kiss Peeta while you were aware of your feelings for Gale? And the other way around? You just jump from one guy to the other, knowing what you're doing to both of them but just satisfying your own needs. At least Finnick and I knew what we were doing and stopped it. It hurt, yes, but we had the guts to stop it before we took it too far. Can you say the same for you?"

She doesn't say anything back, just stares at me. I can see a single tear well up in her eyes but I'm not sure whether it's because she's sad or because she's mad at me.

I decide our 'female bonding' is over for today. "Don't you have to ask Coin something?"

She stands up and leaves the room, slamming the door shut. A second later, it opens again, revealing a very confused Gale Hawthorne.

"What did you do now?" he asks me.

I shrug and put my hands behind my head. "Can't help it she has a short leash."

He walks over to the chair next to my bed and makes himself comfortable in it, still eyeing me suspiciously.

A breath of air escapes my lips, it's a mixture between a sigh and a grunt. "Fine. I just said she was a hypocrite, ok?!"

"Why would you say that?"

I shoot up straight. "Because she is! Kissing Peeta and then kissing you and then Peeta again. She's playing with you!"

He smirks. "And you care because?"

"What?!" I scream exasperatedly. "I don't care. I don't! She should just mind her own twisted business before judging mine!"

I fear I'm giving away a little too much but the more I think about Katniss' judging look, the angrier I get.

"So you have a love-triangle of yourself huh? Who are they? Haymitch and Boggs? I always figured you liked older men more…" Gale starts before I cut him off.

"Would you shut your mouth?!" I yell, slapping him on the back of his head. "Ugh, Katniss was right: you two really are the same. Always prying…" I mutter.

He suddenly sits up straight, all ear. "Katniss said me and her were the same?"

"Yeah yeah, whatever. Don't get so hopeful and princess-like, Hawthorne. Before you know it, you're singing down the hallway that you and Katniss are getting married."

"Well, you'd know when not to get hopeful, right?"

This should sting, but it doesn't. "Too bad, loverboy. Finnick and I are in a really good place now. I'm happy for him and we're still best friends. No jealousy, no nothing. You could learn a lot from me."

He looks at me carefully, studies every inch of my face. "You're not lying…" he mutters under his breath.

"Of course not! Have you ever seen me lying?"

"Yeah that's your problem: you love the truth too much not to say it."

"Correction: I hate the truth, I still say it. By the way, why exactly are you here?"

At first, he looks confused. Then he jumps up as if he just remembered. "Right! I already talked to Coin before you could even ask Katniss. You can train as well. If you pass the test, you can join us."

I open my mouth to reply but the door bursting open interrupts me.

"Johanna Mason!" Finnick screams, throwing his hands in the air.

"Oh joy, my room is like a public toilet. Everyone just comes in and dumps all this psychological shit on me."

Finnick chuckles and goes to sit on the end of my bed. "I just _love_ how lady-like you are, Mason. And I don't know what kind of psychological shit you got from Katniss or Gale but I'm actually here to congratulate you."

My eyebrows knot together in confusion. "Why? It's not my birthday, is it?"

"No sugar, if it were your birthday, I would've had Peeta bake a cake for you."

"Then why congratulate me? It's not my birthday and I'm not pregnant…"

Finnick and Gale burst out in laughter for some reason but after I shoot Gale a glare, he lets his laughter fade out until it's no more than a chuckle every now and then.

Finnick is still laughing though. "I don't think the world is ready for a Mason-spawn just yet."

"Then would you tell me why the hell you're congratulating me or should I just keep guessing? I don't have many more guesses you know!"

"I'm here to congratulate you on the fact that you can join us to the Capitol, that's why," Finnick simply states.

"Um, no," Gale interrupts Finnick. "She can't go just yet. She can have the training and has to pass that test."

Finnick just waves Gale's objections away. "Training means going for her."

I smile at Finnick and glare at Gale again. "Thanks Finnick. Hawthorne, did you hear that? Some people actually have faith in me."

"I have faith in you!" he says in a tone that implies he's offended.

I smirk. "Yeah right."

My lack of faith in Gale and Finnick's triumphant expression are visibly annoying Gale. I decide to put him out of his misery. "You can go now, Hawthorne."

For some reason – probably because he's just irritated by me – he stands up and leaves us alone.

"Oh by the way Odair, Katniss implied Annie is crazy."

Finnick's mouth forms mocking O-shape. "Oh no she didn't!"

"I know right?! How can she say that?" I play along, trying to contain my laughter.


	17. Chapter 17

"We're supposed to be at training at 7.30 tomorrow," Katniss says when she walks into our 'room'.

"Oh, pm right? Kinda late but I don't mind…" I shrug, putting my hands behind my head, ready to doze off.

"No, am."

I almost fall off my bed. "Come again?!"

"What did you expect, Johanna? This place never sleeps. Always training, calculating food distribution…"

I decide I don't like this. "But how am I supposed to get up before 7.30?"

She looks at me mockingly, with a hint of frustration on her face. "Ask for a wake-up call."

I glare at her. Sure, I may be a bit grumpy now that I've heard about that ungodly hour, but that doesn't mean she should treat me like this…like I treat her. She should know that she is Katniss and I'm Johanna, not the other way around. But I'll just shut up. No need to make things worse. 7.30 is worse enough.

"Fine." I say, signaling the end of our conversation.

* * *

A rough hand shakes me awake. "Alright, I'm up!" I grumble, wiping the sleep out of my eyes.

"Come on, Johanna. We can't be late on our first training!" Katniss hisses.

I turn around, my face buried in the pillow. "So what if we are," I say, my voice sounding muffled.

I feel my blanket being pulled away and the cold morning air draws me back to reality, as well as Katniss' yelling. "_So what_?! Seriously, '_so what'_? Maybe you don't want to the Capitol that badly but I do so if you don't mind, I'm going to that training. _On time_!"

"Do you even realize how annoying the sound of your voice is?" I yell back, equally frustrated.

"Yes, and it'll get a lot more annoying if you don't get up right now and join me!"

I mutter a string of curse words under my breath but I do as I'm told. "That should be my line. What the hell has gotten into you?"

She shrugs. "Must've spent too much time with you."

I pull on some pants and a sweater. "Glad I could be of service."

Katniss gives me a small smile while braiding her hair. I let my hand run over my head. No need for me to braid mine.

"It's growing back, you know. I mean, you won't win a beauty contest but at least you don't look like a man anymore," she says, obviously knowing what I was thinking.

I laugh. "Thanks. Plus the fact that I'm gaining weight again."

She gives me a confused look.

"My boobs?" I tell her, raising my eyebrows.

"Oh! Right! Yes, those make you look even less like a man."

She's totally weird but even though I can't really fight with her anymore, it's still funny to make fun of her.

"Come on Mockingjay, let's go train," I smirk, opening the door for her.

We take a few elevators followed by too many stairs, all in silence.

"You sure _the way_ to training isn't the training itself?" I ask out of breath.

Katniss' hand is clasping her side. Her ribs must still hurt.

When we finally arrive outside, where our training will take place, my mouth falls open. "You have got to be kidding me. _These_ are our training buddies?"

Katniss looks equally surprised at the sight of the twelve fourteen-year-olds.

"But they're so young…" she says. It's almost a whisper, more to herself than to me.

"You shouldn't be complaining. They're what, three years younger than you? Compared to them, I'm another generation! And come on, we're Victors and we survived the arena twice! We're better than a bunch of infants!"

A middle-aged woman suddenly appears in front of us. She introduces herself quickly as soldier York and gives us our training schedule for the day.

"Stretch? Oh please," I say mockingly after I've looked at the chart.

I wave my arms in the air a couple of times, swing my left leg up, then my right. "Done." I say.

I see soldier York's eyebrows raise until they are no longer visible under her hairline and a smile appears on her face. "You might want to stretch for real, soldier Mason. This isn't a _game_."

I wait until she has gone away to talk to some of our training buddies before I start to rant about her to Katniss. "Did you hear the tone she used when she said 'game'? It's like she's mocking us for having had to compete in the Hunger Games. I wish she had been a tribute. I bet-"

"She couldn't have been a tribute because 13 had a pact with the Capitol, remember?" Katniss interrupts me.

I look at her for a second before answering. "Right. Forgot about that. Now I hate 13 even more."

"Welcome to the club," she says.

We both look at the others to see how we are supposed to stretch and then pretend it was our own idea.

"Okay, what's next?" I ask when I have absolutely had it with stretching.

"Some strengthening exercises I believe… Maybe we should ask?"

Soldier York chooses that exact moment to come over to us. "So girls, how are we doing?"

"Fine!" we both say in unison.

"Okay," York continues, "you can continue with doing one hundred push-ups, followed by one hundred sit-ups. After you're done with that, we'll do some exercises with weights."

She turns around and Katniss and I share a wide-eyed look. She says it like we just have to run some errands.

There no time, or air for that matter, for Katniss and me to talk so we just do our exercises and try not to die. Strengthening exercises were never that hard for me, but that was before the Capitol tortured me to death.

When we are finally done dying, soldier York gives us five minutes rest before we have to start running five miles.

I slap Katniss on the back to give her some encouragement. "Come on, little K, we can do this."

She just nods weakly and we both start running. I hold myself back a little so she can keep up with me. It's easier to stick together because it's obvious the rest of our group hates us for some reason.

After a minute or ten, Katniss starts to fall behind.

"What's going on?" I ask her, turning around and running backwards so I can still see her without stopping.

"I can't run anymore, Johanna. I'm going to…"

"NO you're not quitting, do you hear me?"

"But I –"

"You are going to run, damn it! If I have to run, you have to run!"

"I was shot!" she objects.

"And I was tortured, remember? And you didn't even have a wound so don't give me that look!"

"Johanna, you're being unreasonable. It really hurts!"

"And what about your dignity? It'll hurt a lot more when you give up now! So suck it up, girl, and run."

She's getting on my nerves. Sure, it's not like this is a piece of cake for me either but at least I'm running even though I don't want to.

Katniss suddenly stops. "Okay, that's it."

I let out a frustrated sigh and turn around again. I'm going to finish this damn run just to prove I can do it even though I'm hurting as well. I am not weak, not like Katniss.

During the last mile, I'm quickly losing energy and speed but I'm determined to finish it. Like I said, I'm not weak.

When I finally reach soldier York, I almost fall to the ground from exhaustion.

"Good job, soldier Mason," she compliments me and I feel a bubble of pride grow in my belly.

"Thank you."

"Now go ahead, look how your friend is doing," she says, looking at her clipboard and already walking over to talk to someone else.

"She's not my…" I start to object, but I don't finish my sentence. Maybe we have become…I don't know…just not enemies anymore.

I feel dirty and sweaty as I'm descending the stairs. My legs are terribly heavy and all I want to do right now is sleep.

"Soldier Mason!" I hear a voice call behind me.

"Oh please, no! I can't run another mile!" I groan, knowing fully well the person can hear me.

"Well, then I guess it's a good thing I'm not asking you to," Finnick says as he appears at my side. "I was about to ask you how your first training went but that little outburst just answered my question."

I throw my arm around his shoulder for support. "It's a surprise I can still talk."

His arm wraps around my waist. "Well, look on the bright side: at least you'll be allowed to go to the Capitol with me. Imagine how terrible it would be if I had to go alone!"

I look at his face, his sea-green eyes, his cheekbones, his bronze hair, and picture all the hard times we've had. "Yeah, we went through everything together. I can't imagine not doing this together. We will go, both of us."

"Both of us. Together," he agrees with a smile.


	18. Chapter 18

As I enter my room, I see Katniss lying on her bed, her face deadly pale and a painful expression plastered on it.

"You okay?" I ask.

She doesn't say anything, just purses her lips together and nods. It's not very convincing.

"What took you so long?" she asks me. Her breath hatches a little.

"I ran in to Finnick. Talked about our day, training and all."

I look at her and notice something is missing. She suddenly looks a little guilty and I realize the morphling drip is gone.

I pretend it doesn't really affect me. "Where is it?" I ask nonchalantly.

"They took it away. Mixed with the medicine I'm on now, it's dangerous. I'm sorry," she whispers.

I wave her apology away. "Nah, it's fine. It was about time anyway."

"You sure? It's going to be rough, you know," Katniss says tentatively.

I give her a look that says 'please'. "Oh I know rough, Kitty-Kat. And this is not going to be rough. I'm Johanna Mason, I practically invented rough."

"O-kay then."

We both crawl into our beds. Well actually, _I_ crawl into my bed. Katniss just closes her eyes, hoping to fall asleep immediately.

We don't fall asleep immediately. Katniss is grunting and groaning because of the pain and I'm just getting more and more frustrated. And sweaty. And itchy. And nauseous. And my whole body is shaking. And before I know it, I'm blaming Katniss for absolutely everything.

"Katniss why the _hell_ did you say it was okay for them to take away the morphling. You are _such_ an idiot! I cannot _believe_ you would say that. It is really _so hard_ for you to think about someone other than yourself from time to time? Ugh, it obviously is. I thought we were becoming some sort of friends but if this is the way you treat your friends, then I'd be happy to kill you right on this very spot if you weren't already dying from whatever it is they shot you up with to make you heal faster. And I hope it hurt. Oh, I so hope it hurts because you deserve all the hurt you are getting right now. Do you hear me, ALL the hurt!"

She throws me a look between confusion and frustration.

"What?!" I snap back. "It's true, isn't it!"

Apparently she has too much pain to even form a reply, sigh or just any sign of life. So I decide to take a step back. Maybe I'm just overreacting. Yes, that's it: I'm overreacting. It's just my body acting all weird. Nothing else. My mind is perfectly fine. I'm not even thinking about the Capitol or the torture or Snow, so why would I need the morphling anyway? If only my body would just stop trembling like that…

For the rest of the night, I desperately try to stop myself from attacking Katniss and just running through the hospital, snatching every drip of morphling I can find. So in the morning, I'm tired as hell but awake like crazy at the same time. A terrible feeling, I can tell you that.

I ask a nurse how late it is and she says it's almost seven. Pissed as I am, I grab Katniss' arm and drag her out of bed. If I have to go to training, looking and feeling like a zombie on a killing spree, she has to go as well.

"I don't think I can do it," she objects in a weak voice which makes me even more furious.

"You can do it. We both can. We're victors, remember? We're the ones who can survive anything they throw at us," I snap at her. That line combined with the deadly look I shoot her makes her get dressed in a second. I feel nauseous and fear I might throw up on her but I'm determined to go to practice without throwing up every bit of food I have in my stomach.

"Let's go," I say, dragging her along.

We take the same elevators and stairs like the day before but when we open the doors that lead outside, we see it's pouring.

_Back and forth. Back and forth._

_Just let me go._

'_My god, Johanna'_

'_I want Johanna Mason to be broken. I want to break the unbreakable.'_

The rain makes all the bad memories come back in an instant and I feel like I don't even know how to breathe. I feel the color in my face fade away, my stomach turn and my body starting to shake even more than it did all night long. For a second, I don't even know how to be human, how to be me.

"It's just water. It won't kill us."

Katniss' voice brings me back to reality. I'm in Thirteen, not the Capitol. Katniss is standing next to me, not Snow. The water is just rain, not something to torture me with.

We start running again and as the rain drips down my body, my nightmares come back.

'_All those years of arrogant behavior has gotten result: you have no one.'_

Stop it! Johanna, focus. Just keep running, focus on the mud. Focus on the trees surrounding you.

_I have… Fire and … and Water._

There is no fire now, only rain. Water from the clouds above you. Just rain. Rain is good.

_Forgotten Victors. They've forgotten us._

What are you talking about? They didn't forget us. We're in Thirteen, which means they came for us. Haymitch was there, and Gale. Annie is safe now. Peeta is relatively safe: physically safe, yes, mentally safe, almost.

_Close your eyes. Block him out._

I do not need to close my eyes and block someone out because there is no one to block out! Snow is not here! Snow would never run in a downpour. Snow would just never run.

"_You're Katniss's Gale."_

"_And you are Finnick and Annie's Johanna."_

I never asked Gale why he would think of my as 'Finnick and Annie's Johanna'. I doubt I ever asked him. Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. My memory is not that very good anymore. Maybe it's because of the morphling. I've heard it's not really good for your health, and your mental sanity…

When I turn my head, I see Katniss sitting on the ground next to soldier York. When did she drop out again? I must've missed that while I was too busy recalling my beautiful times in the sweet Capitol.

Apparently, the only good thing about the memories is that it kept me occupied throughout the whole five miles.

When I walk over to where Katniss is sitting, she hands me a bowl of fish and beet stew. I really try to distinguish the fish from the beet stew but it is just one soggy mess. I think I even liked the food in the arena more. And the weather. And the sight. This thought is seriously wrong but the Quarter Quell arena was so much more fun than this place I somehow ended up in.

I start eating but I really have to push. I'm not hungry at all and I just want to go back inside, crawl into bed and just depend on the morphling. But here I am, soaking wet, running in the rain for nothing, and no morphling to rely on. I'm doomed.

I pick up the spoon and decide it's going to be my last bite. And it is. Before I even realize what's happening, I'm throwing up. I feel like I have no life left in my body. Everything is on the muddy ground. My food, my life, my dignity. I've officially hit rock bottom.

"Are you okay again?" Katniss asks me once I'm finally done throwing up.

I give her a shaky nod.

She purses her lips together questioningly. "This is just a withdrawal symptom, right?"

I turn my head to look at her. "Of course. What else would it be?" No need for her to know about the memories. No need for her to know how weak Johanna Mason really is. No one needs to know that.

"What's up next?" I ask her confidently.

"Learning how to assemble our guns."

"Great! Let's get to it!"

I sound way too optimistic and way too enthusiastic for someone who's so obviously very sick but I find it's the only way I can keep myself together. But as soon as I get the different parts of a gun in my hands, I realize my optimism alone is not going to help me unless I somehow magically turn into an off-the-charts sniper with a superb knowledge of guns. Out of the corner of my eye, I try to see how Katniss does it but my hands are trembling too much to imitate her moves. She notices though, and as soon as soldier York has turned her back on us, Katniss takes the parts of my gun in her hands and quickly puts it together. I smile thankfully at her.

When we're on the shooting range, Katniss visibly lights up. Her first few shots aren't really as good as they would've been when she would be shooting a bow but it's way better than my shots. First of all, my hands can't keep the gun steady enough so if I aim for the target, I don't even hit it. And second of all, with axes I don't need to keep my hands steady because I have to swing it. There's a lot more muscle involved when throwing an axe and at least then you know that you're in control of the axe. With bullets, well, they can hit anything and all you did was hold the gun and pull the trigger.

"I love this!" Katniss whispers excitedly.

"I hate this!" I whisper furiously.

By the end of the day, Katniss has the best score in our class and I have the worst. Like I care. If it comes down to it, people are more afraid of me than they are of Katniss.

"It wasn't all that bad, was it?" Katniss asks me when we're descending the stairs on our way to the hospital.

I give her a look that says 'really?' and she shuts up.

We just enter our hospital room when I burst out. "This has to stop. Us living in the hospital. Everyone views us as patients."

Katniss looks at me for a second and then agrees with me. "It's true. If we want to be seen as strong soldiers, worthy to go fight in the Capitol, we have to get our own place."

"Let's go ask some nurse or doctor," I say, quickly scanning the hallway for one.

I spot doctor Aurelius and drag Katniss along.

"Doctor, can we move to our own room?" I ask him as soon as he's spotted us.

He lets out a weak chuckle, as if he doesn't believe what I'm asking him.

"Eh, Johanna, I don't think…"

"Why not?" I interrupt him.

"Well," he starts, visibly uncomfortable under my gaze. "You don't have a compartment yet."

"Then give me one."

"Eh, Johanna, I don't think… It's just… We can't let you live alone."

I gape at him. "Why not? It's not like I'm still…sick or something. I'll even come for a daily check-up if that's what you want!"

"Johanna, no you…"

"She won't be alone. I'm going to room with her," Katniss suddenly announces.

I turn to look at her, my mouth falling open. Why would she do that? I get that we've become quite close the last few days but _live together_, that's a bit much. But maybe she's on to something. I mean, I'm still not quite off the morphling and let's face it, I'm Johanna Mason and have I ever been the most stable person around?

"Come on, Doc. Let these girls have their own compartment. It'll do them good," we suddenly hear behind us.

Haymitch appears next to me and swings his arm around my shoulder. His presence and statement seem to turn doctor Aurelius over and we are assigned the compartment across the one from Mrs Everdeen and Blondie.

"Nice work, guys!" I yell with way too much energy. I high-five both Haymitch and Katniss before entering my (our) new home.


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: I am not entirely happy with the last few chapters and I honestly hope this one is better. I think it is but just let me know if you don't agree.**

Katniss and I enter our brand new room and Katniss immediately heads for the shower. I've had enough with water for one day so I just wet a cloth a little, trying not to touch the water coming out of the tap. Flashes of the Capitol keep entering my mind. Seems like the rain didn't do much good to my immune system.

Katniss comes out of the shower just as I'm wiping myself down. She gives me a funny look but I decide to keep my mouth shut. No one besides Gale and Haymitch really knows what happened to me and I'd like to keep it that way. I finally got out of the hospital. If I tell Katniss of Finnick now, they'll see me as a victim again, as a weak little girl. Definitely something I want to avoid.

"So," I say when I exit the bathroom. "Let's take a look at our new home."

I look around but there's not much to look at. Two beds. Two nightstands with two drawers. And one bathroom with a toilet, shower and sink. I wander around a bit, not really sure what to do. I casually open a drawer but I quickly shut it again once I see Katniss' things lying in it. I wasn't aware of the fact that it was her drawer I was opening.

"Sorry," I say, feeling a little uncomfortable.

"It's okay. You can look at my stuff if you want," she says.

I estimate her before I open the drawer again. I thought District 12 burnt down so I'm curious to know what kind of stuff she could still have.

I spot the locket I know Peeta gave her in the arena. He was so desperate to keep her alive, to keep her safe. So desperate. He would've given her to Gale if it meant she would live. He would've done anything. At moments like these, I envy Katniss. She may not believe it, but she has it all. A mother who cares about her even if she thinks she doesn't. A loving sister. Two boys who would blow up the world for her.

I put the locket back in the drawer and take the pile in my hand instead. This little thing saved our lives and did so much damage at the same time. Because of this, Finnick went almost ballistic when he had that encounter with the jabberjays. I slip the pile onto my pinkie and remember the days I wasn't afraid of water.

"Makes me thirsty just looking at it," I say. It's not entirely a lie, only a little bit.

I fiddle a bit with the parachute and find a pearl in it.

"Is this…?" I ask her, still looking at the pearl. It must be that pearl.

"Yeah."

A pearl from the boy who loves her. It might as well be an engagement ring or a wedding ring. This pearl symbolizes Peeta's love for her. It's timeless. Never-ending. Beautiful.

Or at least it was, before the Capitol changed him.

I clamp the pearl into my fist, suddenly furious with the Capitol for doing what they did. If they wanted to break me, that was fine. In some ways, I deserved it. But Peeta didn't. He was the innocent one, even after everything they put him through. He was the innocent one and they broke him the most. And they will pay for it. I will go to the Capitol and revenge not only me and Finnick, but Peeta as well. And I will get Peeta normal again. And I will get Katniss to love him like he loves her. It's what he deserves. If anyone deserves to be happy again, it's Peeta.

"Made it through somehow," I say, trying to get Katniss to talk about it. About her and Peeta. About her feelings for him, if there are any.

She doesn't say anything. I look at her and see a hint of guilt in her eyes.

"Haymitch says he's getting better," I offer, trying to cheer her up.

"Maybe. But he's changed," she answers.

I snort. "So have you. So have I. And Finnick and Haymitch and Beetee. Don't get me started on Annie Cresta. The arena messed us all up pretty good, don't you think? Or do you still feel like the girl who volunteered for your sister?"

"No," she says. It's the truth. She has changed too and she just needs to acknowledge that fact. She can't expect everyone to stay the same while she changes.

"That's the one thing I think my head doctor might be right about. There's no going back. So we might as well get on with things." I put everything back into the drawer and look at it one last time. Only three little things, and still Katniss doesn't know the true meanings of them.

The lights go out just as I step into bed. It's pitch-dark.

"You're not afraid I'll kill you tonight?" I ask jokingly.

"Like I couldn't take you," she answers from the other bed.

I start laughing. It's funny how Katniss and I have changed, how much our friendship has changed. I think it's safe to call her a friend now. Not as good of a friend as Finnick. Or Peeta. But a friend nonetheless.

Every day we get up, no matter how hard it has become or in how much pain we are, we get up and do our best. And I go to have talks with my head doctor. I'm doing better and better, not only mentally but physically as well. Katniss too, she doesn't drop out of the five-mile-run anymore and I can assemble my gun without dropping the parts. My hands aren't trembling all the time anymore and I can say I feel happy sometimes. Sometimes. Not always. This is still District 13. We still have to defeat the Capitol. This is still Panem. We still don't get a lot of food (and as a Victor, I've become used to eating a lot, and eating good). I don't see Finnick that often. He's either training with another group or enjoying his time left with Annie. I don't mind, but I miss him.

"Fine job, soldiers," soldier York compliments us when we hand in our training attributes and are about to head for the dining hall.

I wait a second before turning to Katniss. "I think winning the Games was easier."

It's true what I said but I feel happy nonetheless. It's been a long time since I've received a compliment from anyone. "Come on, let's eat," I say, swinging an arm around Katniss' shoulders. What did I say about being happy sometimes?

When we arrive at the dining hall, I see Gale waiting for Katniss. Little puppy.

"Hawthorne," I greet when walking past him. He just nods.

I leave Katniss and Gale behind me, not really wanting to be the third wheel in their…whatever they have. Although, now that I think about it, I'm always the third wheel. Either with Katniss and Gale, or with Katniss and Peeta, or with Finnick and Annie. I should really find myself a friend. Someone who isn't already someone's friend.

I receive my bowl of beef stew and head for a table with the most familiar faces. Finnick, Annie and that sweet girl, what's her name, Delly.

I sit next to Annie, watching, judging and estimating Delly. Maybe she could be my friend… No, she would never survive a friend like me. I'm not good at being sweet friends. I'm only good at being a…sarcastic and… blunt and… Shit, what kind of friend am I? I'm surprised Finnick wanted to hang out with me for so long. And Katniss, well, I think she'd take anyone as a friend. She's not exactly the princess charming anymore.

Katniss and Gale join our table quickly after me and we talk for a while but not all too much since everyone's too occupied with eating like hungry wolves.

"Peeta!" Delly suddenly exclaims. With my spoon still in my mouth, I watch the other faces tentatively before turning around myself to see if it's true.

"It's so nice to see you out… and about," Delly continues hesitantly.

Peeta's still not looking like the innocent young blonde man he once was. In fact, he looks like a seriously messed-up serial killer.

"What's with the fancy bracelets?" I ask casually, trying to break the ice.

"I'm not quite trustworthy yet," Peeta says. "I can't even sit here without your permission."

He nods towards the two guards standing behind him.

"Sure he can sit here. We're old friends," I say. The guards nod, indicating Peeta can take a seat next to me and so he does. "Peeta and I had adjoining cells in the Capitol. We're very familiar with each other's screams," I add, putting another spoonful in my mouth.

Annie suddenly covers her ears and gets a dreamy gaze. Whoops, apparently not everyone has overcome their issues with the torture. Finnick embraces her while throwing me a sour look.

"What?" I say. "My head doctor says I'm not supposed to censor my thoughts. It's part of my therapy."

As if. I just don't want Finnick to expect me to be the nice girl I never was. I mean, he has known me for a couple of years now and never has he questioned my bluntness. It's who I am. But oh, I'm sorry, I forgot he's all about Annie now. But I'm not going to let it get to me. He's only acting like this because his time with Annie is about to come to an end. For now at least. But the time spent with me is not coming to an end since we're both going to the Capitol. Like he said: together.

Whatever joy and fun there was at the table, I had made sure it disappeared. Finnick is trying to talk Annie back to reality while glaring at me occasionally. Fine, I can just glare back.

Suddenly, Delly tries to cheer everyone up again. "Annie, did you know it was Peeta who decorated your wedding cake? Back home, his family ran the bakery and he did all the icing."

It looks like this time Delly, and not Finnick, made Annie come back to us. "Thank you, Peeta. It was beautiful."

"My pleasure, Annie," Peeta says. I slap him on the back and smile at him. To hear him talk like that again, as if everyone is just his best friend, makes me genuinely happy.

"If we're going to fit in that walk, we better go," Finnick suddenly says to Annie. He grabs both of their trays and takes Annie's hand in his free one. "Good seeing you, Peeta," he quickly adds.

"You be nice to her, Finnick. Or I might try and take her away from you," Peeta says. He's suddenly not that nice guy from seconds ago anymore. I cough a few times, trying to give him a message.

"Oh, Peeta. Don't make me sorry I restarted your heart," Finnick answers. Casual, as always. Good old Finnick, always trying to lighten everything up. But I know he got Peeta's message. Now Finnick will probably be even more protective of Annie. I bet tomorrow, he has her on a leash.

"He did save your life, Peeta. More than once," Delly chimes in again.

Peeta nods towards Katniss. "For her." He almost spits the words out. "For the rebellion. Not for me. I don't owe him anything."

"Maybe not. But Mags is still dead and you're still here. That should count for something." I can see Katniss has had enough of this new Peeta but I also know how much she wants the old one back. She's not going to let him know that though.

"Yeah, a lot of things should count for something that don't seem to, Katniss. I've got some memories I can't make sense of, and I don't think the Capitol touched them. A lot of nights on the train, for instance," Peeta snaps back.

I have the feeling this is going in an entirely wrong direction. A direction only Katniss and Peeta should be headed in but unfortunately, they're dragging along the rest of the table. Good thing Annie and Finnick already left, or Annie would probably throw a tantrum again.

Katniss doesn't say anything back. She looks angry but a little hurt too.

"So, are you two officially a couple now, or are they still dragging out the star-crossed lover thing?" Peeta asks, pointing at Katniss and Gale with his spoon.

"Still dragging," I say frankly. I don't really think either of them wanted to answer that question. I'm becoming such a nice girl, giving answers for other people so they wouldn't have to bother coming up with an answer themselves.

Peeta's suddenly acting all weird, as if Annie has taught him some tricks and movements. It's freaky, I can tell you that.

Gale, who hasn't spoken a word the entire conversation, decides this is his perfect moment to shine.

"I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it myself."

"What's that?" Peeta asks, still trembling a little bit.

"You."

"You'll have to be a little more specific. What about me?"

I interrupt the boys heart-to-heart. "That they've replaced you with the evil-mutt version of yourself." I throw Gale an angry look. I'm on Peeta's side. He can't help it. And he's my torture-buddy. No one comes between torture-buddies. Gale obviously gets my message. He finishes his milk and goes away, Katniss following him.

"Why did you do that, Peeta? How can you say things like that?" Delly suddenly yells for the whole dining hall to hear.

I press my lips together, trying not to laugh at her flushed face and Peeta's gaping mouth. I think it's safe to say we both didn't see that coming.

"You love her!" Delly continues her rant.

"I only _thought_ I did!" Peeta yells back, now equally flushed.

I just sit there in between them, sipping my milk.

"No, you really did love her. And you still do, I know you do! You don't have to be so angry with her all the time, she can't help it!"

"Neither can he," I cut in.

Delly's almost-furious rage is now directed at me. "No one asked you anything!" and then, like she just realized what and to whom she just said that, she runs off. The guards yank Peeta off his chair, leaving me all by myself at the table. I finish my stew in silence before heading to my compartment as well, pretending not to notice everyone staring at me.

Well this was a very interesting meal. I hope we get one like this every day. It's very entertaining. For me at least.


	20. Chapter 20

"You missed the best part. Delly lost her temper at Peeta over how he treated you. She got very squeaky. It was like someone stabbing a mouse with a fork repeatedly. The whole dining hall was riveted," I tell Katniss as I burst into our room.

I throw myself across the foot of her bed and watch her turn around immediately.

"What'd Peeta do?" she asks.

"He started arguing with himself like he was two people. The guards had to take him away. On the good side, no one seemed to notice I finished his stew," I answer her, rubbing over my belly. I actually did finish his stew. When the guards gently accompanied him outside, they failed to notice his stew on the table. Casually as I am, I took the bowl and finished it myself. I mean, I couldn't just let it go to waste, could I?

"What are you doing?" I ask her, nodding towards the book open in her lap.

"Oh," she says, clearly snapping out of some daydream about a certain blonde (or brown) boy. "I was just trying to learn some of these terms… They're really hard but we have to know them according to York so… You know, studying, I guess."

"Give me that."

She shoots me a quizzical look. "Why?"

"Well, I should start studying them as well so I figured why not study them together? And also because I hate studying alone. I can only remember things I've heard from other people or said out loud… You know what I mean. Now give me the damn book."

"Yes, captain!" she says, putting the side of her flat hand against her forehead.

"Okay, here's what we're going to do: I ask you two questions. If you answer them correctly, we switch."

Katniss nods and makes herself comfortable against the wall behind her bed.

"First question, what is a _coup de grâce_?"

She closes her eyes to think. "It's a death blow to end the suffering of a severely wounded person or animal. In other words, a mercy killing."

"I wonder if we'll have a lot of mercy killings…" I muse quietly. "Second question, what is a _sangar_?"

"A temporary fortified position with a breastwork originally of stone, sandbags and similar materials. My turn."

I hand her the book. "Do your worst."

"First question, what is a _deliberate attack_?"

I purse my lips and pretend to think. "I don't know. Let's do something else."

"What?! We just started!"

"Yeah…I'm not in the mood. I'll read them tonight if I can't sleep."

"Then what do you suggest we do?"

"Well, I'll go pay Finnick a visit. You should go say hi to your mom and Prim. I'm sure they miss you," I say, already waving her goodbye as I walk through the door.

I have never been to Finnick and Annie's compartment but I know where it is. It's in the same hallway as Haymitch's and Gale's family's. Not that I have ever been to those compartments, I just happen to know where they are.

When I finally arrive (it's on another floor), I knock repeatedly on their door. Now they'll definitely know it's me.

"Hi!" I say when Finnick opens the door. Bare-chested.

"Nice, Finn!" I say, pointing to his abs. "Hey Annie!" I wave at her over Finnick's shoulder, since he still hasn't invited me in or said anything at all.

"What are you doing here?" he asks me a little too frankly for my taste.

"I was just in the neighborhood and I thought Hey, let's go to the Odairs. So, here I am."

He just looks at me, no smile or cheeky grin or anything on his face. Just… nothing actually. Not even anger. Nothing.

"Ugh, is this about the dinner thing?"

He still says nothing, just blinks while raising his eyebrows.

"Very mature. Look, I'm sorry, okay? I didn't know Annie was going to freak out. I just… you know… I just spoke my mind."

"Maybe you should consider thinking before talking."

I grin. "You know I can't."

Still no invitation to come in. Not even a little smile. Over his shoulder, Annie just stares at me.

"Aww come on! I told you I was sorry. Genuinely sorry. But you know what, fine. I can see I'm not really welcome anymore so I'll just go to… I don't know. I'll just wander around a bit. On another floor, so don't worry."

I turn around and walk slowly down the hallway, eyes closed and fingers crossed.

"Okay, you can come in."

I jump up and run back immediately, throwing myself on their bed.

"So what's up, Cresta?" I ask the woman sitting next to me.

"I'm fine. How are you?"

"I'm good. I'm getting better. Sorry about before, by the way."

"It's fine," she whispers back.

"So tell me Odair, how's training going?"

He walks over to the bed and squirms himself between Annie and me before answering. "Look at my abs again."

I do as I'm told. "I'm guessing training is tough but paying-off?"

He lets himself fall backwards on the bed and smiles up to me. "I told you to look at my abs. Paying off huh, what do you think."

I poke into his stomach. "Hmm, maybe you should ask your coach to make it a bit harder… I mean, you've had better days, you know."

He swats my hand away and grins.

"So Annie," I say, turning my attention away from Finnick. "What have you been doing when Finnick was out training?"

She stays silent for a couple of moments.

"Annie?" Finnick tries.

"Just…having talks with a smart doctor. Nothing much," she answers, staring at a nonexistent something on the wall.

"Good for you, Annie," I say, nodding a few times.

Thank God Finnick hasn't seen me in such a long time so he can give me an excuse to not talk to Annie and just listen to his oh-so-amazing stories. It's not that I hate Annie or anything, on the contrary, we just don't understand each other. I don't understand how she can just freak out for the littlest of things and how she can stay so calm when she actually has reason to freak out. And she, well she doesn't understand why I'm always so direct and just plain rude at times.

"…and that's when Gale and I just said 'Screw it, we're doing this our way'," Finnick concludes his fourth story with a cheeky smile.

"Well, that one was interesting!"

"You didn't find the other stories interesting?"

"I did! I just thought this one was the funniest. How you two just said 'Screw it, we're doing this our way'. Very spontaneous, Odair. I'm impressed."

"Well, you aren't talking much so I figured I should be doing the talking…"

"What do you want me to talk about? How I finally got my gun assembled without dropping any pieces? How I didn't throw up anymore? There just not much to tell. Anyway, I should be getting back. Katniss is probably wondering where I am."

"She doesn't know you're here? And wait, you're leaving already? I haven't seen you in ages!"

"Yes, Katniss does know I'm here but I've been here for a long time now. And yes, I am leaving. And the fact that you haven't seen me in ages is not only my fault, Finnickins."

I pat him playfully on the cheek until he swats my hand away. He doesn't let it go though. "Please stay for a little while longer," he pleads.

"Can't. Sorry. See you tomorrow."

I leave their compartment and head back to mine. Katniss is already in bed. She must've gotten in a lot sooner since she's already showered judging by her wet hair and the wet stain on her pillow.

I undress myself and get into bed in silence. After a while, Katniss starts talking softly.

"Johanna, could you really hear him screaming?"

Wow, straight to the point, huh?

"That was part of it. Like the jabberjays in the arena. Only it was real. And it didn't stop after an hour. Tick, tock." I say, remembering Wiress's mantra.

"Tick, tock," she whispers back.

I don't really want to talk about it right now. Not when it's night. During the day it's so much easier to talk about it because you can find distractions everywhere. Not at night. Thinking about it, and especially talking about it, makes it easier for the nightmares to come. Katniss gets it so she shuts up and goes to sleep. I stay awake for a long time, trying not to fall asleep to keep away the bad dreams. Eventually, my body's too tired and I lose the battle against sleep. I lose all the battles that night. Against Snow, against other tributes, against mutts, against peacekeepers.

When we get up and get our schedules tattooed on our arms, I spot a difference.

"What the hell is S.S.C.?" I ask Katniss. She just shrugs, indicating she doesn't know either.

After breakfast, we head to training and ask someone around what S.S.C. is. The boy informs us about the Street Simulated Combat and says that we are now in another class. I secretly hope it's because we made such good progress. And judging by the look of that S.S.C., which is an artificial Capitol city block, I suspect it's because we are actually going to the Capitol. Finally!

Our new training is tough. Everything goes wrong.

Katniss and I are crawling over the floor, watching out for snipers or 'peacekeepers' and taking them out when we see them. We have to have eyes everywhere.

"There!" I whisper when I've spotted one on the roof of some apartment. I pull the trigger but my gun doesn't fire. "What the hell?"

Katniss takes him out for me but my gun is still jammed. Suddenly, a grenade falls on the ground not too far from us. It explodes but it doesn't release fire but some weird green gas. "Masks!" I yell. Apparently, Katniss and I are the only ones who got our masks on in time. The rest of our little team of eight gets knocked out for ten minutes. Which is a good thing, since Katniss and I now have a ten-minute break. After our break, we have to go to the firing range, where Cressida's team is filming us.

"Remind me again why they need to tape my failures," I whisper in Katniss's ear.

She just grins at me. "It's for the propos," she says. "Gale and Finnick are being filmed as well."

"Why can't they just film me swinging an ax or two. I suck at shooting with a rifle."

"No you don't. You just expect too much of yourself."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"That you're already good enough, you just don't realize it."

"Oh. Thanks."

The next day, our training schedule is exactly the same: doing a few rounds in the S.S.C., then on to the firing range. Cressida and her team follow us everywhere. They're like tracker-jackers.

"Is that -?" Katniss suddenly asks when we're having a break and sitting on a rock near the S.S.C. where we can see the whole training area. I turn around to see what Katniss is looking at and notice a blonde boy with broad shoulders, accompanied by two men with even broader shoulders.

"Yep, that's Peeta Mellark, also known as Baker-boy, lover-boy, Blondie…"

She's getting all riled up about it. "Why is he here? He's dangerous, he's an animal."

"Tut-tut, Little Mockingjay. Just let him be. The boy needs some distraction as well, don't you think? He's not doing anything wrong. In fact, now he's just running. What do you expect him to do, run off?"

"Maybe…"

"And where do you think he's going to run to? The Capitol?"

Katniss looks at me, clearly having doubts about Peeta training as well. I know she thinks he's dangerous because of his tantrum the other day in the dining hall, but she still cares, right? She must still care because otherwise she just wouldn't be bothered with him being here.

"I don't know, Johanna. Maybe I should ask Plutarch."

"Oh Katniss, you are so full of wonderful ideas!"

"Was that sarcasm?"

I smirk. "What do you think?"

* * *

After a couple of days of excessive training, soldier York suddenly calls us.

"Soldier Mason, soldier Everdeen, I've recommended you for the exam. You better be prepared. And you better not let me down." She raises her eyebrow to add more emphasis to her last statement and then leaves us. Katniss and I look at each other for a few seconds before smiling and hugging enthusiastically (yet very briefly!).

"Finally!" I yell.

"Snow better watch out," Katniss says smiling widely.

"Come on, let's tell the others." By others I mean I'm going to tell Finnick and she's going to tell Hawthorne.

We turn around to find them but York calls us back, saying we have to report immediately.

"Damn it," I mutter under my breath.

The first test is one on physical condition. I score pretty well, better than Katniss. The second test is about written tactics. For someone who got out of the arena twice, that's not that hard either. Tactics is all about common sense. I mean, it's logical you're not going to run into an ambush, or trap. Apparently, not everyone shares my thoughts but then again, not everyone is a double-Victor. Then there's a test on weapons proficiency. After all Katniss's help, I'm sure I'll be kick-ass. And I am. I'm not top of my class, Katniss is, but I've done pretty well.

The next test seems to be one to be nervous for. It's supposed to focus on your weaknesses. I don't like to admit it, but I have a lot of weaknesses. I just hope they don't have special devices to tape your nightmares because if they have, I'm screwed.

"Johanna Mason," I suddenly hear. I turn around to see Katniss give me an encouraging nod. Yeah, that's really going to help me in a high-danger situation. A nod.

It's pretty simple actually. When I'm in the Block, peacekeepers appear everywhere and I can shoot most of them down, the other ones are shot down by my so-called team. There's a crying child that's about to lead me into an ambush. Clearly, they don't know me really well. If they think a crying child is my weakness, they couldn't have been more wrong. I don't like children. Especially crying children. Children are little manipulative creatures and I never trust them.

Okay, let's recapitulate. Peacekeepers, ambush, distractions… What more can they do?

Suddenly, I hear a loud rumbling noise. It's water. I frantically look everywhere but I don't see a large wave coming from either side. Where the hell is it coming from?

Just block out the sound, Johanna. Block it out. That's your weakness. But they can't hurt you with sounds.

Once I have calmed down again and try to move forward, the street begins to flood. It's not much, not even enough water to swim in, but it's enough to drive me over the edge. I start screaming.

_Back and forth. Back and forth._

_Help me._

_I want to break the unbreakable._

And here I thought I was getting better.

_Back and forth._

As I feel the water now coming to my waist, the Block begins to spin, my ears block out every sound and I pass out.


	21. Chapter 21

"Mason! What the hell happened?" Finnick starts yelling when he walks into my old room (the hospital).

I look at him and then avert my eyes. I don't have an explanation, not one he's going to be satisfied with. I let him down.

"Johanna, please tell me what happened," he repeats, this time in a softer voice, sitting on my bed and talking my hand in his.

Before I can even start to explain, tears escape my eyes.

"No," he whispers, wiping away the tears. "Don't cry. Just tell me."

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Why are you sorry?"

"I let you down. I can't go with you. I'm so sorry."

He swings his arms around me and pulls me into a hug, letting me cry it out.

"You don't have anything to be sorry for," he says. "I'm the one who's sorry."

"What the hell?" I hiccup.

"I should've asked you about the things they did to you in the Capitol. I should've figured it out myself. I should've known. I'm the one who's sorry, I'm the one who's let you down, Johanna."

I shake my head in his shirt. "No," I mumble, my voice muffled by his body. "Don't apologize to me, you idiot. I'm such a weakling. I hate myself."

"Don't hate yourself. You're too much fun and too pretty to hate yourself."

I take my head out of the crook of his neck long enough to give him a skeptical look before I let myself cry again.

We stay like that for the following five minutes. Just me crying in his shirt and him stroking my hair. I don't really know what to say to him. This could actually be the last time I see him and I don't even know what to say to my best friend. I'm just crying. I'm such a baby.

But before I can even say anything, Finnick suddenly gets really mad. He jumps of my bed and begins his rant, swinging his arms and fists all around.

"This is actually outrageous! They can't just leave you here, I mean... You're Johanna Mason! You are Johanna Mason!"

"No, really? I'm Johanna Mason? Wow, if only someone had told me sooner..." I say, pulling up my nose and wiping away the remaining tears. Now that Finnick isn't comforting me anymore, it's easier to put on my tough exterior.

"Jo, this isn't funny."

"Never said it was."

He sighs a couple of times while pacing around the room.

"Could you stop that please? You're making my head spin."

"But I just don't understand..."

"You know what, Finn, just go. Otherwise they'll think you're staying behind too, and who knows what'll happen if the mighty Finnick Odair decided not to go. Plutarch would probably have a heart attack!"

He suddenly stops and turns around so swiftly I'm surprised he didn't lose his balance. "What?" I ask.

"That's it!" he exclaims, a smile spreading across his face.

"What is?"

"I'm staying behind too. If you're not going, I'm not going either. It's genius!"

He runs over to my bed and gives me a kiss on the head. "Genius!" he repeats.

"No it's not genius. It's idiotic. You have to go."

"Jo, you're my best friend. I have no choice."

"Yes you do, you could leave me here, safe with Annie, and just go."

"Like I said: I have no choice."

"Oh please. You've had a lot of bad ideas in the past but this one is by far the worst, Odair."

"Right. And what are you going to do while I'm out there? Learn to knit?"

"Yes. Maybe. No, but that's not the point. I'm not _allowed_ to go, Finnick!" I say, emphasizing the 'allowed'. It's no use. He's going, I'm not. That's the way it's going to be.

His anger disappears as fast as it has come and he crawls into my bed again. Now he's burying his face in my neck.

"I don't want to leave you behind. You're supposed to have my back out there," he whispers barely audible.

"Don't make me feel even more guilty, Finn."

"Sorry."

We stay silent for another two minutes before Finnick says Katniss is coming over as well. Guess this means we'll have to say goodbye.

And suddenly, it all goes to fast; too fast.

"Johanna, please don't do anything stupid."

"Finnick, be careful out there. I know you're already Victor, even a double-Victor, but please win these games as well."

"Take care of Annie please. You might not like each other that much but you need each other."

"Just know that this isn't the Quarter Quell anymore. Katniss is already the Mockinjay. You don't have to protect her anymore. Protect yourself."

"Johanna you're my best friend and I love you so much. I'm so sorry I'm leaving you behind."

"I'm sorry."

I have the feeling Katniss can come in any second and so does Finnick. He cups my face and gives me a short kiss on the lips before turning his back on me and heading for the door.

"Finnick?" I call. "Promise me you'll come back."

He turns around slowly, a sad look in his eye. "You know I can't do that."

"Just do it, damn it!"

"I promise I'll try."

"Bye. I love you."

"Love you too."

And that's it. The door closes with an extremely loud click and that's it. No more Madair, Odason or JoFi.

I close my eyes and let my head fall back into my pillow. He's gone. My tears have no use anymore. I can feel myself drift away again because of the Morphling. When Finnick was here, too many emotions were battling to take control over me that the Morphling didn't even stand a chance. But now that he's gone, it's taking me under again. But I have to stay awake. If I don't, the nightmares will be worse than ever.

The door opens again and when I open my eyes, I see Katniss coming in with something in her hands. She hands it to me.

"What's that?" I ask her, my voice a bit hoarse from the sudden urge to sleep.

"I made it for you," Katniss says. "Something to put in your drawer."

I take the small ball into my hands and watch it.

"Smell it," Katniss commands. I do as I'm told and memories come flashing back to me. Good memories. Memories of District 7.

"Smells like home," I say, my voice thick with tears.

"That's what I was hoping. You being from 7 and all," she says a little uncomfortable. "Remember when we met? You were a tree. Well, briefly."

I smile at the memory but then snatch her wrist. This isn't just fun and games anymore.

"You have to kill him, Katniss," I order her.

"Don't worry."

"Swear it. On something you care about."

"I swear it. On my life."

I still don't let go of her arm. I know her own life means nothing to her.

"On your family's life."

"On my family's life," she repeats. "Why do you think I'm going anyway, brainless?"

"I just needed to hear it."

I press her little gift to my nose again, ready to fall asleep with only good memories flooding my mind.

When I wake up, I have another visitor.

"What are you doing here?" I ask the man/boy/guy sitting next to my bed.

"Heard you're not allowed to go with us."

"Well, clearly you've done your homework," I say, turning in my bed so my back is facing him. I'm not in the mood to talk right now. I had expected them all to be gone by the time I woke up.

Gale doesn't say anything for an awfully long time so I turn around to ask him why exactly he's here.

"I don't know. Thought you might be upset."

"Oh and you dig that? Me being upset?"

He rolls his eyes. "Yes, of course Johanna. I love it when you're upset. In fact, it's my ultimate life dream."

I let out a frustrated sigh. "Cut the crap and tell me why you're here."

"Look, if you want me to go, I'll go."

"Go."

"Fine."

He gets up and is already at the door when I call him back.

"Suddenly scared I'm leaving you?" he asks but he comes back nonetheless.

"Keep telling yourself that. No, I want you to promise me something."

"Let me guess, you want me to keep an eye on Finnick for you?"

"How d'you know that?"

"Why do you think I'm here?"

"If you already knew, why didn't you just do it instead of coming here for absolutely no other reason?"

"I just wanted to hear you ask me."

"You wanted me to beg you. Admit it."

"Fine. I wanted you to beg me."

"Why?"

He shrugs. There's obviously a reason, one he's obviously not telling me, not wanting me to know. I'm tempted to ask him the real reason for his presence but I decide against it.

"Well, just do it," I conclude with an angry frown.

"I will."

"Thank you, Gale."

"You're welcome. We'll see you when we get back. Don't go anywhere."

He takes a step forward as if he's about to take my hand or hug me (or worse) but he changes his mind and walks out the door.

Now everyone who even remotely cares about me has come to see me.

I'm on my own again.

Just me, my ball, my nightmares and the Morphling. Such an awesome gang we make.


	22. Chapter 22

For the past seven days, I've been living in No-Man's-Land, not sure whether to go to the land of the living or just let the Morphling pull me into the wonderful world of oblivion. It's true that Morphling takes you to this wonderful place where nothing and no one can harm you. But the thing is, you're completely alone there. No one to talk to, no one to take care of you (not that you'd need that in the world of Morphling). Not even someone to fight with. The world of Morphling consists of a big white strip of land with all the colors you can imagine in the sky and there's a soft music ringing in the air. It's so peaceful. But it's that peacefulness that proves that it's an imaginary world, that it's not real. Which is why I'm still in No-Man's-Land.

"Are you awake?" I suddenly hear. The voice is accompanied with a repetitive nudging of a finger against my ribcage. I must've gotten skinnier again.

"Are you awake?" the voice asks me again.

"Go away," I answer the voice.

"Why do you want me to go away?"

"Just because."

"Why? Do you not like me?"

I still haven't opened my eyes but the voice suddenly sounds so sad that I force myself to look who it is. It's the little Hawthorne girl. I forgot her name. She stops nudging me and smiles instead.

"You look tired," she says.

I groan. "That's because you won't let me sleep."

"You've been sleeping all day now. Mommy says you can't sleep all day because then you won't sleep at night."

"Trust me, I will."

"How do you know that?"

"I just do."

"Why?"

I shoot up straight to take my pillow from under my head to push it in my face as hard as possible.

"WHY ARE YOU HERE?" I yell in the pillow.

The girl is silent for such a long time that I suspect my fit has scared her and that she left to tell her mother. After I take a peek, I know she hasn't left.

"Gale was here sometimes. But now Gale is away to fight the bad guys so now I'm here to look after you."

"Gale wasn't here that often."

"Yes he was here every day."

I knit my eyebrows together to force my brain to think. He couldn't have been here that often because I wasn't here all the time. And why would he come every day? This doesn't make sense…unless he used it as an excuse to come to his beloved Katniss. But how do I ask Whatshername without telling her something I shouldn't?

"Did he tell you why he would come here?" I ask tentatively.

She shrugs and sticks her lower lip forward. "I don't know. He just told mommy he was coming to check up on you."

"I was probably sleeping a lot, because I'm so tired, so I don't remember it. Did he stay here long?"

She nods vigorously. "Yes because he always came home after I went to bed."

I nod slowly. "I see. And did he check up on Katniss as well?"

"Oh no!" the girl whose name I still haven't asked exclaims. "Mommy told Gale to give Katniss some space. Mommy doesn't think Katniss loves Gale. Mommy thinks Katniss is in love with Peeta but Gale was in love with Katniss so then he would be sad and angry and mommy didn't like that. So that's why he went to see you, to fall in love with you instead and so that mommy would be happy again."

She looks at me as if she just had to explain the hardest problem ever. But it proves my point, that Gale lied to them to go see Katniss. But he did come to see me every once in a while. Maybe because he got tired of looking at Katniss's sleeping form or listening to Katniss's rants about…absolutely everything.

"Are you still mad at me for waking you up?" she asks me in a really tiny voice.

I shake my head. "No I'm not. But…what is your name again?"

She squeals when she answers me. "It's Posy, you dumb Johanna!"

"Hey, who you're calling dumb huh?"

I laugh along and eventually, she climbs out of the chair and onto my bed.

"Will you be my friend, Johanna?"

"Sure Posy. But why?"

"My brothers are not always nice to me and I don't like the kids from here…"

"Aw that's sad. Okay you can be my friend but you can't always wake me up. Sometimes I have to sleep."

She gives a sad nod. "I know. It's because of this sleepy water, isn't it?"

She takes my Morphling drip in her hands and shows it. Sleepy water. Right.

"Sometimes I can't sleep too. Can I come take a bit of your sleepy water when that happens?" she asks.

"No because it's dangerous sleepy water."

Her eyebrows shoot up. "Dangerous? Why?"

Oh please somebody help me. I have way too little experience with little kids to have conversations like this. "Because… Just because."

"That's not an answer!"

"Hey there attitude, watch it!"

"Sorry." … "Is it dangerous because you sometimes don't wake up anymore?"

I open my mouth to say 'no' but I shut it again before any sound comes out of it. The girl has a point. Morphling is dangerous. It is possible that your body suddenly can't handle it anymore.

"Yes," I finally say.

Posy inhales dramatically and her mouth forms a ridiculously large O. Suddenly, tears form in her eyes.

"What?" I ask in shock.

She throws herself around my neck, crying her eyeballs out. "I don't want you to not wake up anymore. You're my best friend! You have to stay awake for_ever_!"

I pat her uncomfortably on her back while I try to contain my laughter and confusion. What have I done to deserve such an awesome treatment?

I wait until she's not crying anymore before I ask her why I'm suddenly her best friend. I mean, we barely know each other!

She pulls back a little bit so she can look into my eyes (probably to add seriousness to her answer). "Because you are pretty."

I chuckle. "Excuse me? Have you seen me lately?"

"You're a bit skinny but that's because you're not eating enough. You sleep all the time. You have to eat more and then your hair will grow again and you'll be pretty again."

There's always some truth in the words of a five-year-old and I must say, Posy is on her way to become a genius. "You're absolutely right! But how do you know if I was pretty before?"

She blushes and bites shyly on her thumb. "I watched when you were on the tv."

I shake my head in confusion. "But you weren't even born yet when I was in my games so how can you…"

"No when you had to fight with Katniss and Peeta and Finnick. They showed old pictures as well. You had long brown hair and then with Katniss you had short brown hair. Why did you cut it?"

I remember the moment when I asked Finnick to cut my hair because I was so mad at Snow for making me go into the arena again. Finnick refused to do it, thought it would get me in trouble.

I turn my attention back to Posy because I don't want to think about Finnick. It makes me sad. It doesn't matter that I'm supposed to be the fierce one, if my friend is not beside me, I miss him.

"And which haircut did you like more, the long curls or the short spikes?" I ask Posy.

She thinks about it in the way girls her age typically think: with the index finger against her mouth and her eyes directed to the ceiling. "Both," she says. "With long hair, you look like a princess. But with short hair, you're like a fairy. I like princesses and fairies!"

"Do you? I like them too."

"Maybe I should ask my mommy to cut my hair like yours! People will think we're sisters!"

Before I can say no to that suggestion, the door bursts open and the other two Hawthornes appear.

"Those are my other brothers, Rory and Vick," Posy whispers in my ear. I smile thankfully because there was no way in hell I was going to be able to recall their names even though Gale once told me.

"There you are!" the older one, Rory, yells exasperatedly.

"We've been looking everywhere for you!" the other one pipes in.

"Yes well you found her and she's safe. What's the problem?" I ask the two brothers.

"There's a special announcement from the Capitol on the big scr-"

Rory can't even finish his sentence before I jump out of my bed and run towards the main hall. Posy's trying to keep up with me but eventually she has to release my hand.

As soon as I have arrived, I look around to see if I can find Annie. I spot her next to Haymitch and some other familiar faces, right in front of the big screen.

"- bodies have been found belonging to former Victors Peeta Mellark, Finnick Odair and Katniss Everdeen. Other notorious persons are Gale Hawthorne and…"

"Annie?" I ask softly once I've heard Finnick's name. Her face is blank and I don't know what to think of it. Is she about to freak out? Is she about to faint? What?

"Annie?" I try again. Haymitch has turned around to comfort us but I'm only concerned for Annie right now.

She whispers something but I don't understand it. "Annie what did you say?"

"It's not real."

"But-"

"They're not dead, Johanna."

"But Annie they said-"

"I know it. Finnick is still alive. I can feel it. I know it. I can feel it. Finnick is still alive."

I look at Haymitch and I can tell he's not as confused as I am.

"I don't think they're dead either, Johanna. I mean, nothing is according to their plan. Snow's just trying to discourage us."

I sigh, not knowing what to think. If Finnick is really dead, if Peeta and Katniss and Gale are really dead, my mind and body haven't really acknowledged that. I'm too calm.

"Johanna!" I hear Posy screaming. "Johanna where are you?"

"I'm here, Posy!" I yell back, raising my hand so she can spot me.

She finds me and I feel her tiny body slam into mine.

"They're dead!" she cries. I look at Haymitch for help but end up comforting little Posy myself. For some reason, the girl has grown to me and I feel very protective over her even though I've only talked to her once.

But right now, she's the only one who looks after me. And for some reason, I need that. I need her to convince myself that this isn't real. I really need it.


	23. Chapter 23

_Finnick grabs my arm as we stumble out of the elevator, giggling like little school children. "Be quiet, Mason!" he whispers way too loudly. "We better not wake Blight."_

_Even though Finnick grabbed my arm to keep me from falling, I still trip over my own feet. Since Finnnic is still holding my arm, I fall flat on my behind. "Damn it!" I mutter. "Well, I'd rather wake Blight than Mags. She's such a sweet old lady. I love her!" I continue, still chuckling. _

_I raise my arms so Finnick can pull me up. _

"_No, seriously, I love Mags. I wish she were my grandmother. Don't you?" I continue once I'm standing on two feet again._

_Finnick shrugs, a cheeky grin plastered on his face. "Well, she kinda is my grandmother…" _

_I raise my eyebrows so high my eyeballs are about to fall out. "No way?! Mags is your grandmother? Why didn't I know that, huh?"_

_Finnick leans against the wall in a weak attempt to not lose his balance himself. He's apparently unaware of the fact that he is still holding both my hands in his. "Well, she's not really my grandmother, she just acts as if she's my grandmother."_

_When he finally lets go of my hands I launch myself onto the couch and Finnick slides down the wall until he's sitting on the floor. We're both so drunk we don't even know what to do with ourselves. _

"_Don't you dare drag me down to that club again, Odair. Ever. You hear me?" I mumble. _

"_Excuse me but if I'm not mistaken, you were the one who got us the first three drinks. After that, it was too late to go back to being sober. So basically, it's your fault."_

"_No it's not."_

"_Yes it is."_

"_No."_

"_Yes."_

"_Fine."_

"_Excuse me?"_

"_I said fine."_

"_Why?"_

_I cover my eyes with my left hand, letting the other one hang off the couch. My fingertips almost touch the floor. "Because I hate fighting with you."_

_I hear a shuffle and suddenly Finnick takes the hand that was hanging off the couch in his again and places it on his head. "That was barely a fight, Jo."_

"_I know. Still, I hated it." Absent-mindedly, my hand starts to play with his hair._

"_You hate a lot of things."_

_I smile and nod. "I do, don't I."_

"_It's cute," he says._

_I stop playing with his hair and smack his head instead. "Don't call me cute. Ever."_

_Finnick is suddenly very quiet. Never a good sign. I remove my left hand from my eyes just in time to see Finnick launch himself on me, ready to tickle me until I beg him to stop._

"_Mason is cute, Mason is cute!" he says in a sing-song voice while I'm screaming at the top of my lungs. I seriously hope Blight is out tonight because otherwise I'll never hear the end of it. "Maybe I should start calling you Jo-Jo, because that's cute," Finnick continues._

"_NO! Don't! Stop it Finnick!"_

_He just continues to tickle me, until I shout that I'll vomit if he doesn't stop. It's true though, whatever is in my stomach right now, it's about to come out. _

_I squirm from under Finnick's body and head straight for the bathroom in my bedroom. Thankfully, the lid was already up. I feel as if I'm vomiting up every single one of my intestines. _

_Judging by the sound of heavy footsteps, Finnick has gone after me. When the footsteps stop, they're followed by a fit of laughter._

"_Yeah yeah," I say without looking at him. "You can laugh all you want. Just know that you're to blame here."_

"_I'm sorry, Jo. It's just…" He can't even finish his sentence before he bursts into laughter, and at that exact moment, I'm crouching over the toilet seat again, gagging and throwing up. _

_Suddenly I feel his hands wrap an elastic around my hair, holding it into a long, curly ponytail. "I'm really sorry, Jo. I just didn't expect you to be sick. I'm usually the one who gets sick."_

"_Well, they say karma's a bitch."_

"_Whoever 'they' is, they're right."_

_We spend the next hour in the bathroom since I have to throw up again every time I try to stand up to go to bed. Eventually, I just make myself comfortable, legs around the toilet, arm over the seat and my head rested on my arm. _

"_Go to bed, Finnick," I mumble. _

"_I'm fine right here."_

_I lift my head from my arm to see where exactly 'here' is when I see him sitting on the floor, his back against the wall and his eyes closed._

"_No you're not fine," I say. "You look tired. Go to bed. You can stay here. It's not like I'm going to need that bed anyway."_

"_I'm not leaving you here. What if you suddenly choke? Or if someone came in and tried to rape and kill you. Who's going to rescue you?"_

"_I'm not going to choke. Why would I choke? And why would someone try to rape and kill me? That doesn't even make sense."_

"_Whatever you say. But whenever I was in that very uncomfortable and rather unflattering position around the toilet, you stayed as well. So, yes, I'm fine here."_

_I reach out my hand to take his in mine and we stay like that for a while. "Thanks," I whisper_.

"_No problem."_

I don't know why this memory comes to mind right now. It's not a particularly good memory and it's such an old one, probably from my first year as a Capitol's prostitute, when my family was already dead and Snow was now threatening to go after Finnick. After our 'dates', we'd go out to some club Finnick liked (which was another one every time we went out), get drunk and then either stay over at his floor or at mine. It was usually mine though, since Finnick's floor was the nice floor. Mine was just the Johanna-floor since no one else was around much.

"Wow, you were really close, huh?" Prim asks me.

Truth be told, I sort of forgot she was here. It's strange that I forgot I had company because I've been having a lot of company lately. After Posy named me her best friend, I sort of got to know Vick and Rory and for some reason, they like me as well. And then Prim showed up one day and we talked. A lot. And she's been here every moment of the day she doesn't have to work or eat or sleep. But it was Prim who asked me to tell her a story to distract her from thinking about Katniss.

I nod. "Yeah, we were. We're still close but… it's just different now."

"Like Katniss and Gale," Prim says. Yes, like Katniss and Gale.

"You know," Prim suddenly says after a few moments of silence, "you're not as scary as everyone thinks you are; people just have to get to know you to see that."

I smile at her. "You thought I was scary."

She smiles back, a little shy. "At first, yes. Especially when you were almost attacking Katniss in the Quarter Quell arena."

"You watched those games?"

She nods. "Yes. But then I saw how well you and Finnick got along and Katniss sort of trusted Finnick so I thought, maybe there's something we don't know about Johanna Mason."

"Like what? That I'm mentally unstable? That I'm a bad influence? That you shouldn't trust me?"

"No, it's you who doesn't trust people. You don't let people in that easily. And that's a good thing, because once you do, you're so loyal."

"Loyal?" I ask skeptically.

"You're telling me you would've abandoned Finnick and left him to die in that arena?"

I shrug and avert my eyes. "That's exactly what I did back then. Exactly what I'm doing now…"

She grabs my hands in hers with a lot of force. "No! You can't think like that! You didn't leave him behind in the arena, you just did what you had to do, what you had promised Plutarch and the rest of the rebels. And you're not abandoning him now either. You just couldn't make it."

"But he thought we were going together, to kill Snow. That was the plan. I thought we were going together, but then I messed up. Prim, what if –"

"He won't! He will come back to you and Annie. Finnick is not the type to make a promise to his wife and best friend and not keep it, right?"

She sounds so wise. It's hard to believe she's only fourteen years old. She sounds a hundred years older, like she's already been through all of this.

"Prim, he didn't make me that promise."

"What do you mean?"

"I asked him to promise me he'd come back. He said he couldn't do that and that I had to understand. He said he'd try."

She crawls over to me on my bed and swings one of her arms around me, pulling me into a hug.

"Johanna, don't you worry. He'll be just f-"

"Johanna?" The door opens very slowly, revealing an awfully pale Haymitch with trembling hands.

"What? What?! … Oh no!" I whisper weakly.

Haymitch closes his eyes before he says it. "I'm sorry. He didn't make it."


	24. Chapter 24

"I want to see him," is the only thing I say when Haymitch tells me Finnick is dead.

I get up and I'm already walking towards the door when Haymitch stops me by putting his arm around my waist.

"Johanna, you can't."

"I want to see him!" I try to squeeze myself out from Haymitch's iron grip but he won't budge. "Abernathy LET ME GO!"

"Johanna-"

"NO! I WANT TO SEE MY BEST FRIEND! LET ME GO!"

Suddenly I feel other hands touching my arm and hear a softer voice talking to me. "Johanna, why don't you sit down for a minute and listen to what Haymitch has to say," Prim says. I don't move at first but eventually I let her accompany me back to my bed.

I take a couple of deep breaths before I ask Haymitch why I can't see him.

"He's still in the Capitol," is all he replies.

I shake my head in confusion. "I don't see the problem. Just fly me to the Capitol."

The sad look he already had on his face saddens even more. "Even if we did, you still wouldn't be able to see him."

I wait for him to explain but he doesn't. "Well? Why not?"

"Because…"

I can see him struggling to find the words, that it's much harder than I could ever imagine.

"Because he died in a sewer and Katniss dropped a bomb in it so there's no body. I just heard it from some of our Capitol insiders who saw it from his apartment window. He called. Some others didn't make it out of that sewer as well."

He says it so fast that I have to take a minute to understand it. And then I have to take another minute to let it sink in.

"He died in … a sewer?" I whisper.

Neither Prim nor Haymitch says anything.

"He died in a sewer," I repeat, more to myself than to the others in the room.

"Johanna, please stay calm-" Prim starts.

"Finnick Odair, my best friend, died in a SEWER! How the hell can you all stay this calm?! He died in a sewer!"

Two male nurses burst into my room, grab my arms and pin me down to my bed. I know what they're about to do, and for once I don't want them to. They shoot me full of Morphling. The last thing I hear is Haymitch telling Prim she will probably have to go to the Capitol in one of the following days.

* * *

It's been four days since I heard the news. I haven't spoken a word since that day. The nurses haven't given me any Morphling anymore because I'm already numb on my own.

I haven't said a word, haven't left my room, haven't left my bed. All I do is sleep or listen to the silence.

People come and go. They try to talk to me, try to feed me, try to get me out of bed. I refuse.

I know I'm being pathetic. Even Annie's acting more mature than I am. She came to my room the day before yesterday to give me a picture of him and she told me he died for a good cause. How does she know he died for a good cause? Snow could still win this war. Then Finnick will have died for nothing. But even if we win, he still died for nothing. I'd rather live in a world ruled by Snow but with Finnick by my side than in a free world with no one to celebrate my freedom with. I know he was looking forward to his freedom and he probably talked about it with Annie as well but for me, it's still something that belonged to Finnick and me. We were two birds flying around in a golden cage and only Snow had the key. No matter how hard we tried to break the lock, how many times we tried it, there was always a bigger cage.

No escape.

No freedom.

Freedom was just a dream. It's still just a dream. It will always be just a dream for me because the games, the 'business', this war… it'll haunt me forever.

Finnick's face, which is looking at me from the photograph on the bedside table, will haunt me forever. The photograph isn't the real Finnick at all, but it's all I have now. He's wearing a tuxedo with a dark green bow that matches his eyes. His smile is genuine though, but the Finnick I know, knew, was more laid-back. A sleeved shirt was fine.

Posy enters my room, tears in her eyes. She takes small steps when she comes to stand next to my bed. She doesn't climb on it to hug me, she just stands there, looking into my eyes.

"Are you still sad?" she asks.

Why should I even reply to that? It's the silliest question in the world. I can't imagine ever being not sad anymore.

"Don't be sad anymore. You have me."

I don't want her. I want her out of my room.

"I'm your best friend now, you can put a picture of me here-"

The moment she reaches out to take Finnick's photo away, I yell at her. "Don't touch that!"

Apparently I scare her so much she runs out of my room crying.

I look back to the picture. Posy knocked it over and now Finnick is smiling at the ceiling. I don't have the courage to touch it. So I let it be.

The picture has fallen, just like the man in it.

And Snow has finally been able to break the Unbreakable Johanna.

Oh the irony.

Haymitch comes in after a little while, or a not-so-little while, I have no perception of time anymore.

"Johanna?"

Finnick is still staring at the ceiling, and I am still broken.

"Johanna, at least give us a sign that you are still breathing."

"I am breathing."

The fact that I actually spoke a few words, takes Haymitch by surprise.

He takes place in the chair next to my bed. "How are you feeling?"

"Leave me alone."

"Johanna," he sighs, "you can't keep doing this to yourself. I know you cared about Finnick but there are other people out there, people who care for you. Don't abandon them."

"I'm sure they'll survive if I do."

It looks like Haymitch doesn't know what to say or what to do to make me feel better. Truth be told, nothing and no one could do anything to make me feel better.

Haymitch tries again. "Finnick wouldn't want you to-" but I cut him off.

"You don't know what Finnick would or wouldn't want, because he's _dead_."

I say that last word with all the venom I have in my voice.

He sighs in defeat, reaches out his hand to place Finnick's picture upright but I swat his hand away.

"What? You like it this way?" he asks me in a puzzled way.

"Just leave it. Don't touch him."

"Johanna, it's only a picture…"

I hate the fact that everyone who comes to visit me talks to me like I can faint any minute. It's not going to happen, I just don't feel like being cheery. That's it.

"I know it's only a fucking damn picture, just don't _touch_ it!"

"Should I call your head doctor? It might do you some good to talk t-"

"NO! I said leave, what don't you understand Haymitch? I want you to _LEAVE_. Please just leave! I can't deal with people right now so leave. Now!"

That the first long sentence I've said in four days and all I did was shout. Figured.

But my rage isn't the only thing that suddenly escaped me. Tears are streaming down my face, the first tears since that first day. And they won't stop.

Haymitch reaches out to wipe them away but I pull my head back. I meant it when I said I couldn't handle people right now.

Eventually he leaves me alone. And I cry for hours and hours. I don't even know how long exactly it has been but I have the feeling that it's definitely a week.

It's not a week. It's only one night to be exact. And then the tears stop. Annie comes to my room and makes herself comfortable on my bed, after I've made room for her. Her arm around my shoulder feels weird since I've always considered her to be the weak one and I the strong. But now it's the other way around. Annie's been out and about while I have been lying in my bed all the time, crying over my best friend who happened to be her husband.

We stay like that for a while. Neither of us says anything, we just sit there.

My eyelids close every now and then because I didn't have any sleep last night but I refuse to let myself drift off.

Haymitch entering my room again wakes me up. Apparently I had fallen asleep after all but for the first time, I didn't have any nightmares. Annie should stay over more.

"Haymitch, what is it?" Annie asks the man standing in the doorway.

Flashbacks of when he came to announce Finnick's death come to my mind and I already know he's not bringing good news.

"The bombs… The bombs Beetee and Gale developed, they… They killed Prim."

I feel Annie's head fall softly onto my shoulder. Haymitch takes a few steps until he's beside the bed and takes my hand in his.

I don't cry. I have no tears left. But that doesn't mean I'm not crying on the inside. I am. Prim didn't deserve to die like that. And I didn't even say goodbye to her when she left.

I am a horrible person.

None of us say anything. There is nothing to say, no comforting words. But eventually I break the silence.

"Everything is messed up."

Annie lifts her head to look at me.

"No it's not," she says. A smile is spreading on her face.

I look at Haymitch; his eyebrows reveal his confusion.

"I'm pregnant," Annie announces.

Annie is pregnant.

And now I am crying on the inside for Prim, and smiling on the outside for Annie, and for Finnick, and for their unborn baby.

Annie is pregnant.


	25. Chapter 25

**A/N: So sorry the chapters have been so short lately. I'll try to make the next one a bit longer, **

**also because the next one will probably be the final chapter.**

I have no idea of time anymore, again. All I know is that it's been a while and that I am now in the Capitol. The war is over, the rebels won. But still I feel like Snow, even though he lost, has a grip on me. And he will probably always have a grip on me. It's not just the Capitol torture or Finnick's death that haunt me in my dreams anymore, it's all the tributes I killed, all the tributes I lost the years after. All those deaths. I feel like everything is my fault. The amount of blood I have on my hands is impossible to wash off. It'll always be there.

I look around my new bedroom. It's in Snow's mansion but, thankfully, not even remotely close to where Snow spent most of his time. Everyone else is staying here as well. Haymitch, Katniss, Enobaria, Posy,

There's a knock on my door.

…and Gale.

I don't tell him to come in, I know he'll just do it.

And he does.

"How are you feeling?" he says in a soft tone.

My back is facing him so I say nothing and stare out the window. It really is a beautiful sight. The once so shiny Capitol in rubble.

"Let's go outside. Get some fresh air. You've been in here for far too long."

"You can get some fresh air by yourself," I snap at him.

"Actually, your head doctor ordered it…"

I jolt up immediately. "You've been ratting me out, haven't you?"

A look of guilt spreads across his face. "It's not healthy, what you're doing. I'm just looking out for y-"

"I don't need you to babysit me!"

He sighs and rolls his eyes. "I'm not babysitting, Johanna. I'm just being a friend."

I get out of bed, ignoring the fact that I'm only wearing shorts and a tank top, and walk over to him.

"And since when are you my friend?" I ask him. "Since you let my best friend die so you and Katniss could walk safely out of that sewer?"

"Wh-What?" he stammers.

"Yeah, I know everything. And don't make the mistake of thinking I'll ever forgive you for that."

His face reddens. "Look Johanna, Finnick couldn't be saved. And if we had gone back in there, we would've all died."

"You don't know that!" Tears are streaming down my face now. "You don't know that! Finnick could've lived right now, could've enjoyed his freedom, could've enjoyed the fact that he was going to be a father, but thanks to you, Annie's baby will grow up without knowing his father!"

I pound my fists on his broad chest in anger but he doesn't budge. Somewhere in my mind I know that he feels guilty too, and maybe that's the reason why he lets me beat him up.

"And Prim!" I screech. "She died because of you as well! Prim was the only one I had left when I was in Thirteen. I had exactly three friends at that time, and you took two of them away! Why? So you could take their place? Is that what you want?"

He suddenly takes my fists in his hands. "I loved Prim as if she were my sister! I would never do-"

"You would never but still you did! Try telling Katniss you never meant to hurt her little sister, I doubt she'll believe you! Oh but wait, she doesn't want to see you, right?"

"No," he says in a soft voice.

"Well then I hope you get my message too: GO AWAY. I don't want you to be my friend. You can and will never replace Finnick because he was ten times the man you'll ever be. If I had a sister or brother, he would never _ever_ hurt them the way you hurt Prim. He would never leave someone behind to protect his own life. He was a true friend and all you are is some pathetic love-sick jealous boy who had the opportunity to have power and you took it with both hands. From where I'm standing, you're no better than Snow himself."

My rant has silenced him and it looks like he'll never open his mouth again. I realize how hard my words must've been but I meant every single word. No one will understand the pain I feel. In the most difficult time of my life I had Finnick by my side. And when Finnick wasn't there, someone was brave enough to step up and take care of me. Prim was a very good friend as well. They were both there when I had no one, when I was about to break. No one will understand how it feels like to be me, to feel utterly alone once again. But I'd rather be utterly alone than make friends with the devil, which is what Gale is to me right now.

"I don't ever want to see you again. Now leave," I finish.

He looks at me for a second, then sighs and closes his eyes and instead of heading towards the door, he sits down in one of the many chairs in the room and buries his head in his hands. I still don't feel bad for him, no matter what he tries.

"Fine," I snarl. "You wanted me to get out of this room. Well, looks like you're getting your wish."

I take a dark blue sweatshirt from the closet and slam the door shut behind me.

I look left and right, not really sure where to go to. I decide to go left.

On my way to wherever I pass several people but I don't say anything to them and they don't say anything to me. For some reason I think they're afraid of me.

A familiar face suddenly stands in front of me and a grin is immediately plastered on my face. It's the first almost-smile in weeks.

"Enobaria," I say.

She grins devilishly back. "Johanna. I'd say good to see you again but I've never really enjoyed the sight of you."

Finally someone who doesn't treat me differently or doesn't hover all the time. "The feeling's completely mutual, E-B."

"So, what have you been up to lately, besides crying and being completely pathetic?"

I shrug. "Oh you know, nothing much besides crying and being completely pathetic. You'd know the feeling if you ever had a heart."

A fake laugh escapes her lips. "Just because I'm practically the only girl who didn't fall for Finnick Odair's charms doesn't mean I don't have a heart. I'm just not that type of girl, but you obviously are."

"Not that type of girl? Says the girl who was head-over-heels in love with Gloss."

There's no fake laugh or grin following that line, at least not from her.

"I was not in love with Gloss."

"Oh sure you weren't, you were just watching him occasionally, and you just happened to go swimming whenever you knew he was in the pool and…Should I go on?"

"So what are you saying, Mason? I was following him like you followed Finnick? Like a lost puppy?"

I smirk mockingly. "No, because Finnick actually liked me. Here's a newsflash for you, honey: Finnick and I were best friends. Did Gloss even know your name?"

There's a sharp pain in my cheek where Enobaria's hand smacked it. I start laughing. This is what I've been waiting for. An excuse. An outlet.

I turn my head around to face her, still laughing. She looks back at me, confusion all over her face, before my fist collides with her jaw. Not a second later, we're both on the floor, hitting each other wherever we can.

For the first time in months, I feel alive again. I can do something. It doesn't matter what, it doesn't matter it's a trivial and non-important thing, it's something.

It's only a fight. But for some reason I need to fight. For years all I ever did was fight. No one can expect me to suddenly not fight anymore if it's all I've known for years.

In some time, I will need to find something to fight _for_. But for now, fighting with Enobaria is all I can handle. And it's enough for me to feel alive again.


	26. Chapter 26

**A/N: This chapter is not the last one but the next one will be the last one. I hope you enjoy it! **

I knock twice on the door in front of me. No answer. I knock again, but only once this time, and a bit harder.

"What makes you think she wants to see you?" I hear Haymitch's voice from somewhere down the hallway.

I ignore him and put my hand on the doorknob, ready to open the door whether she wants it or not.

"What makes you even think she's in her room? She could be anywhere these days, you know her, roaming around all the time…"

I look at him. It's a blank look but apparently it says enough because Haymitch shrugs, turns around and wobbles down the hallway, a bottle of liquor in his hand. I'm clearly not the only one who still has a tough time.

I turn the knob and open the door. At first glance, there's no one here so I'm about to leave when I hear a shuffling. She's hid herself somewhere in this room.

"Katniss?" I whisper. I don't know why I whisper. Maybe because I have this idea in my head that she's ridiculously fragile and I could break her with nothing but my voice.

The door of the closet opens and reveals a very skinny and pink Katniss. It's more a patchwork of Katniss' skin and other skin. She looks like some weird fish. And she does look ridiculously fragile.

I'm about to ask her how she's holding up but something else comes out of my mouth. "Why were you in that closet?"

She shrugs weakly. Right, I forgot she's not really talking much these days.

"I was going to ask you how you were but I think I can answer that question myself," I say while I make myself comfortable in one of the deep red, velvet chairs.

She looks at me, one eyebrow raised as if she doesn't really believe me.

"Don't give me that look. I do know how you feel. Finnick was the closest thing I had to a brother, and Prim had become a very good friend so yes, I do know how it feels."

Katniss casts her eyes down. Maybe she has realized it's not because I already lost so many people I have forgotten what it's like to miss someone, to mourn, to feel pain. Because I do. And she needs to know that.

I stand up. "Anyway, I just wanted to check up on you so…I'm going back to my room now. Take care."

It's a lie. I wasn't just there to check up on her, I was there because I needed to talk to someone. I've never been good at handling things on my own. Well, I have but there was always someone who knew about what I was dealing with and that was comforting.

I hate to admit it but really need someone to hold me. Anyone would do.

But there's no one around. Apart from Haymitch, I haven't seen a single soul in the usually crowded hallways. Not even a guard. No one.

It appears that it's just a Victor-thing, wandering around the mansion of the man who made your life a living hell.

I'm finally back at my own room but when I open the door, it's not empty at first glance, as was with Katniss'.

"Posy!" I yell in surprise with a smile on my lips.

She jumps off my bed and hugs me around my waist. "I missed you," she says, her voice sounding a bit muffled.

"I missed you too," I say softly while I pat her on her back. "Come on, let's sit on my bed."

The bed is way too big for just two people and yet she's crawled as close to me as she possibly can. Just when I needed someone, she was there. A five-year-old.

"How are you doing?" I ask her, my arm draped around her tiny shoulders.

She nods while speaking. "Good. A bit sad because Prim was my friend, and because everyone else is sad."

"Who else is sad?"

"Rory and Vick. Especially Rory. And Gale too. And my mom. And Katniss. And you."

I smile. "I'm not sad anymore."

She suddenly looks up. "Mommy says that lying is bad. You're lying."

"Okay, I'm still a little bit sad. But I'll be fine. And Rory will be fine too. And everyone else as well. You'll see."

We sit a few minutes in silence before she asks me if I'm still as sad as I was before I saw her. I say I'm not.

"Okay, then I have to go," she says. Immediately she jumps off the bed again.

"Why?" I ask. It's not an accusing tone, just a neutral one.

"Now I have to go make Gale happy. If I sit with everyone for a while, then everyone will be happy again. Mommy says so."

Children's logic. I've never found it this entertaining. "Okay, then go. Make everyone happy."

She yanks open the door and runs off. I drift off to sleep.

* * *

"Tell me again why and where you're dragging me to?" I ask one of the two guards escorting me.

"President Coin's orders. We're not allowed to tell you."

"Right, but you are allowed to take me with you against my will. And here I was thinking things would be different after Snow. Guess I was wrong." I mutter the last part of my sentence but the guards heard me.

"We'll have to report that to President Coin," says the one to my right.

"Yeah, you do that. Tell her I said it with love."

Apparently we have arrived at our destination because the guard to my right suddenly puts his arm outstretched in front of me to stop me and the one to my left opens a door.

When I enter the room, I see Haymitch, Beetee, Annie and Enobaria. Enobaria has a nice shiner, courtesy of me. I don't say anything and pull out a chair.

A few seconds later, the door opens again and reveals Peeta. He has burns just like Katniss but not that bad. I smile at him and he nods.

Then Katniss comes in, wearing her Mockingjay suit. "What's this?" she asks us.

I don't know what to say so I wait for someone else to reply. Haymitch is the one who answers her. "We're not sure. It appears to be a gathering of the remaining victors."

Katniss looks around the room, studies all our faces. "We're all that's left?"

"The price of celebrity," Beetee chimes in. "We were targeted from both sides. The Capitol killed the victors they suspected of being rebels. The rebels killed those thought to be allied with the Capitol."

I cast my eyes down. I haven't really given much thought to the other Victors so I can say that this is a surprise. We really _are_ all that is left. But then I look at Enobaria. She's from Two, and Two was working with the Capitol. It was the last District to fall.

"So what's she doing here?" I ask a bit angrily.

"She is protected under what we call the Mockingjay Deal," the voice of Coin suddenly says. I turn around to see she's just entered to room as well. "Wherein Katniss Everdeen agreed to support the rebels in exchange for captured victors' immunity. Katniss has upheld her side of the bargain, and so shall we," she continues.

Enobaria shoots me an infuriating smile. "Don't look so smug," I say. "We'll kill you anyway."

I won't kill her, I'll just beat her up. But I do think someone will eventually kill her. She's from Two. And she's Enobaria. That's reason enough.

"Sit down, please, Katniss," Coin says. Katniss takes a seat and Coin begins her speech. "I've asked you here to settle a debate. Today we will execute Snow. In the previous weeks, hundreds of his accomplices in the oppression of Panem have been tried and now await their own deaths. However, the suffering in the districts has been so extreme that these measures appear insufficient to the victims. In fact, many are calling for a complete annihilation of those who held Capitol citizenship. However, in the interest of maintaining a sustainable population, we cannot afford this."

What the hell is she talking about? I'm having trouble comprehending everything she says. Maybe it's the morphling. Oh, no, I quit that stuff again. Sometimes it's hard to keep up with my own fickleness.

Coin continues. "So, an alternative has been placed on the table. Since my colleagues and I can come to no consensus, it has been agreed that we will let the victors decide. A majority of four will approve the plan. No one may abstain from the vote. What has been proposed is that in lieu of eliminating the entire Capitol population, we have a final, symbolic Hunger Games, using the children directly related to those who held the most power."

That I can understand, but it surprises me nonetheless. "What?"

"We hold another Hunger Games using Capitol children," Coin repeats calmly.

"Are you joking?" Peeta asks, his face puzzled.

"No. I should also tell you that if we do hold the Games, it will be known it was done with your approval, although the individual breakdown of your votes will be kept secret for your own security."

Suddenly everyone is making noises. Talking, murmuring, yelling.

"Was this Plutarch's idea?" Haymitch asks, his eyes very narrow.

"It was mine," Coin said. "It seemed to balance the need for vengeance with the least loss of life. You may cast your votes."

"No!" Peeta yells. "I vote no, of course! We can't have another Hunger Games!"

I don't have to think about this for a second. "Why not?" I snap back. "It seems very fair to me. Snow even has a granddaughter. I vote yes."

"So do I," Enobaria says. "Let them have a taste of their own medicine."

I'm surprised to hear her agree to this plan. It doesn't make sense. She's from Two, Two has always sided with the Capitol. Why is she suddenly against the Capitol?

Peeta is obviously not happy with the situation. "This is why we rebelled! Remember? Annie?"

"I vote no with Peeta," she says. "So would Finnick if he were here."

"But he isn't, because Snow's mutts killed him!" I remind her. I know it's pointless but this is one of the reason why I voted yes. And I know Finnick would vote no, but I'm not Finnick. He would know I'd say yes, and he'd understand.

Beetee votes no too. "It would set a bad precedent. We have to stop viewing one another as enemies. At this point, unity is essential for our survival. No."

Of course Beetee would make it philosophical. 'Essential for our survival' my ass. As if the entire population of Panem depends on the lives of twenty-three Capitol dimwits.

"We're down to Katniss and Haymitch," Coin reminds us.

I have a feeling they will both vote yes. Haymitch because I know him. And Katniss, well, because I know her too.

"I vote yes, for Prim," Katniss says. I knew it.

"Haymitch, it's up to you," Coin says.

It's a done deal. Haymitch has been through enough. Peeta is still trying to talk Haymitch into voting no but I know he'll never say no to this.

"I'm with the Mockingjay," he says.

Coin is obviously pleased. "Excellent. That carries the vote. Now we really must take our places for the execution."

We all exit the room apart from Katniss who has something to discuss with Snow. I walk a little faster so I can walk next to Peeta but we have to part again at the doors. He'll be standing next to Katniss when she shoots the arrow. I don't want to be that close to Snow so I'm going to stand amongst other people. Guards, officials, rebels leaders surround me.

Katniss point her arrow towards Snow but she's hesitating. For the briefest of moments, I think she might say no to it, that she can't do it. But then she releases her arrow and not Snow falls dead, but Coin.

My mind goes blank in surprise, but only for a second.

This cannot be happening. Snow doesn't get to walk away from this. The man who made me kill thirteen innocent people, the man who made me have sex with strangers for his own benefit, the man who was responsible for my best friend's death does not get to live. Not if I have anything to say in it.

A rage engulfs me. In the chaos that has broken out I can see Katniss trying to kill herself, Peeta stopping her, both of them arguing, Katniss fighting with everyone who comes near her and eventually screaming for Gale. I know what she means. She wants him to shoot her. She doesn't want to deal with everything. I completely understand her but I know Gale won't do it. People around me are kicking and pushing and pulling and somehow I get my hands on some guard's rifle without him noticing it and I shoot. No one has seen it, no one has heard it but I know and that's all that matters.

Snow was my kill after all.

I am Johanna Mason, Victor of two Hunger Games, and I have killed President Snow.


	27. Chapter 27

After the craziness that was Coin's (and Snow's) assassination, I slowly recovered from my depression. The fact that I got to avenge everything Snow ever did to me, Finnick and my other friends made me better. I quit morphling for good, talked a few times with my head doctor until he officially declared me sane and I had a few more talks with Annie. That last thing is probably one of the best things that has happened. Annie and I are friends now. Actual friends, not just friends-for-the-sake-of-Finnick. She asked me to come to District Four when she's having her baby and I said I would be there. Annie is also the only one who knows that I killed Snow, and she said she'd keep it a secret if that's what I wanted. I told her that I didn't feel bad about the fact that I had killed _another_ person because I had always known that, if I had the chance, I would kill him. She understood, and that meant the world to me. If Annie understood, Finnick would've too.

A knock on my door brings me back from my thoughts.

"Can I come in?" a voice asks tentatively.

I start smiling. "Sure."

"Hey," Gale says when he enters the room. He opens his mouth to say something but decides not to.

"Go ahead, you can ask me how I am. You know what, don't bother. I'm good. How are you? Have a seat."

At first he's taken aback by my long string of words but he quickly recovers and takes a seat on the chair opposite mine.

"I'm good too, I guess," he says, still not really comfortable. Probably because I'm the complete opposite of what I was when he last saw me.

"I don't know if you've heard," he starts, "but Katniss is going home. Haymitch is going with her to keep an eye on her."

I nod. "Yeah, I've heard. How are you guys?"

He rubs his palms against his face. "I don't know, I don't think it's ever going to be the same. Maybe in a few years she'll talk to me again, I don't know."

I take his hand in mine as a way of comforting him. "She'll come around. It might take a long time but she will come around."

His eyes meet mine. "And what about you?"

I let go of his hands and smile softly at him. "I have come around. I know it's not completely your fault. He just…died. We both knew this could happen. I just wasn't prepared for it, I wasn't ready to face it."

"So does that mean we're friends now?" he asks with a grin on his face.

I smack him playfully on his upper arm. "Of course, Hawthorne! I'm not cruel, if you want to be my friend then I'll let you be my friend!"

We both chuckle before he gets up to leave. "Anyway, I still have a few more things to do this afternoon so maybe I'll see you later today?"

"Sure."

"Okay then, see you later."

He exits the room and closes the door behind him.

I don't really know what I'm going to do for the rest of the day. I guess I could take a walk in the Capitol. I decide that's what I'm going to do so I a grab a jacket and walk out.

The Capitol is still pretty much in ruin, especially the city circle where all the bombs went off and where Prim and so many others died. People are cleaning it up and every once in a while, they find a new tiny body. When that happens, everyone is silent for a minute. I ask an elderly lady and she says there has been exactly seven minutes of silence since this morning.

I smile apologetically at her and she returns it just as regretfully.

I turn left, then turn right twice and then left again until I'm at my destination. The place is still a mess and it still smells, even after a week it still smells.

I've been coming here every day since I killed Snow, every time I try to understand it even though there's nothing to understand. But it's the last place Finnick was alive. The sky above this sewer is the last thing he saw. So that's why I'm here every day.

I don't stay there for a long time, just a few minutes. I don't really know why I always come but it's become some sort of habit.

I turn around and go back to Snow's mansion. Once I'm back I go straight to the library. There's just something about the smell of old books while you are sitting on a leather sofa with a glass of liquor in your hand. It has _something_.

I flip aimlessly through some books, read a paragraph every now and then and sip from my glass until Gale arrives.

"You quit morphling but you are drinking liquor. Should I take that as a bad sign?" he says as he flops onto the couch next to me.

"No, because I'm not really drinking," I reply.

"You're just pretending to drink?"

"I'm drinking but I'm not drinking to get drunk, which is the real definition of drinking."

"Actually, I don't-"

"It's my definition of drinking, okay? I'm just drinking this because it fits the whole picture."

"Hmm-hmm," he says, clearly not fully convinced.

He takes one of the books from the coffee table in front of us and flips through it just like me. We sit there in silence, every now and then breaking the silence to tell something we've just read and thought funny. It's comfortable.

An hour later it's still comfortable, but the words are starting to be difficult to read.

"Hmm, guess that liquor went down faster than I anticipated," I laugh.

"Well, it is good liquor," Gale says while emptying his glass for the third time.

"This has been fun and all," I start to say but Gale interrupts me.

"I'm moving to Two."

I drop the book and point my finger at him in victory. "I knew you had to tell me something. I knew it!"

He stays silent, just nods.

"Why are you moving to Two?" I ask him once my victory-enthusiasm has worn off.

"Because President Paylor offered me a job there."

"Well then I guess congratulations are in order, mister Hawthorne!" I yell in excitement.

I pour another glass for him and another one for me.

"To the future," he says while holding up his glass.

"To being a hot-shot sir or whatever in District Two," I say, clinging my glass against his.

Unfortunately, that last glass was one too many for me and Gale eventually suggests to bring me to my room. It is a terrific idea because I have no idea how I'm going to find my way on my own. It's not like I stumble drunk down Snow's hallways every night. And that is the truth.

We put the books back on the table and walk back to my room. This house is like a hotel, I have no idea what Snow did with all these extra rooms.

"Here we are," Gale says once we're at my door.

"Here we are indeed," I say, turning the knob to open the door.

"Johanna," Gale starts. "Can I ask you something?"

"Go ahead," I say, the door already open.

"Will you come with me?"

I watch him with a puzzled look on my face. "Come with you? Where to?"

"To Two."

I think about it for a second. I hadn't figured out what I was going to do once everyone is gone here but Two sounds like a good idea. I know I don't want to go back to Seven just yet, and to go with Annie to Four might be a little too soon as well.

"Sure, why not," I say, turning my attention back to him.

He smiles as is he's the luckiest man on earth and in his enthusiasm, he kisses me full on the lips.

I have no idea what I'm doing but the liquor is probably doing all the work now. We stumble backwards into my bedroom and fall onto the bed. For a while, it's just making out, but then his hands start to wander around the hem of my shirt and I pull myself away.

"Uhm, Gale, I don't think we should…I'm sorry."

"No," he quickly says, "you're right. I'm sorry. It was just…"

"The heat of the moment," I finish for him.

"Yeah… Sorry about that." He smiles shyly and I smile back.

"You're welcome to stay though," I offer him. It's not awkward between us because truth be told, somewhere in my mind I had expected this to happen at some point. And I don't regret he kissed me, he's a good kisser.

"I think I might take you up on that offer," Gale says as he rolls onto his back and stares at the ceiling. "That was a pretty strong drink."

"Tell me about it," I mumble, already falling half asleep.

* * *

When I wake up in Gale's arms, alarm bells go off in my head immediately. What was I thinking, agreeing to go with him to Two! Note to self: Never _ever_ drink alcohol when you're not alone. Ever. I squirm myself from under Gale's arm until I'm free and absolutely sure he's still fast asleep. As I stand up, I realize my head doesn't hurt as much as I expected it to. I leave my room and my 'roommate' to go to Katniss' room. Even though she's already left, it still feels like her room. I flop onto her bed and close my eyes to catch a few more hours of sleep. It's still dark outside so I'm still allowed to sleep on.

After a few more hours, I open my eyes only to look into the glaring light of the sun streaming through the window.

"You were gone this morning," a voice behind me says.

I turn around slowly. "I know."

"Why?"

I sigh. "Look, Gale, I like you. I do. But..."

"You're still not over Finnick."

I shake my head in response. "No, that's not it. I mean, yes, Finnick's death has something to do with it but it's just me."

"You're giving me the 'it's not you, it's me'-speech? You're kidding, right?"

"What I meant to say is that I'm not ready. I really like you but I'm not ready to go to Two with you and live in a house together and..."

"I'm not asking you to marry me, Johanna!"

I chuckle lightly. "I know, but that doesn't mean it's not a big commitment. I'm not ready. And let's be honest, how well do we know each other really?"

"I'd say well enough. I know you like to eat a lot of breakfast and that you love that more than dinner. I know you like to sleep with the ball Katniss gave you on the nightstand. I know that you don't like wine."

"And that freaks me out. I don't want that, I don't want you to know me so well...And for the record, I don't know you as well as you know me so that kinda makes things a bit awkward..."

He walks over to me and takes my hands in his. "But I do know you."

"That doesn't change the fact that I don't want that. I'm not going with you, I need to be on my own for a while. I need to come to terms with everything that has happened. I'd appreciate it if you'd let me try. I can't deal with everything with you by my side. It doesn't feel right. Not yet. Maybe in the future..."

"So I'm just supposed to wait for you?"

"No, I don't expect that! Why would you even wait for me, it's not like… I mean, who knows what might happen. You could run into the love of your life tomorrow and you wouldn't even notice because you'd be stuck with me, someone you just slept with, _just sleeping_, after your best friend had left you and you were about to start a new chapter in your life, a completely different one."

"You make it sound like I'm..."

"Scared? Well, aren't you? A little bit? Isn't that why you asked me to come with you?"

He shrugs. "Maybe, but also because I like your company."

I let out a terribly long sigh. "Look, just go to Two and have fun and be great at your job. Don't be such a baby, it doesn't go with your tough looks. You can take my word for that."

"So…this is goodbye then?"

"Yes, Gale, this is goodbye. For now at least," I say, happy he finally got it.

* * *

Someone opens my door while I'm packing my pathetically little backpack. When I turn around I see a tiny figure with two braids in her hair.

"Hey Posy! How's it going?"

She doesn't say anything, just walks over to me and hugs my legs.

"What's wrong?" I ask her.

"My mommy and my brothers and me are going to live in District Two. With Gale," she says.

"Well isn't that a good thing? I hear District Two is a lovely place with lots of people. You'll make tons of friends there!"

"Will you come too?" she asks me with sad eyes.

I shake my head. "No, I won't. First I'm going to District Three for a few months, then to Four when Annie's having her baby and then I'll see."

"So I won't see you again?"

Posy's lower lip is trembling and her eyes are filling with tears.

"Oh no," I say quickly, "Of course I'll be coming to District Two as well! We'll hang out when I visit, okay?"

She nods but is still visibly sad.

"Come on, I need another hug. A proper one this time."

I bent down to her level so we can hug. "I'll see you in a bit, okay. Be good. Don't get into fights. Don't do anything I wouldn't do."

She suddenly chuckles. "But you do get into fights. All the time."

I smile back. "I know. Just, don't get into bad fights. You can get into little ones if you want, but be careful."

"Okay. Bye Johanna."

"Bye Posy."

We let each other go, she waves and then she's gone.

My second goodbye.

* * *

After I have said goodbye to Gale and Posy and packed my bags, I stroll down the hallways once again, one last time. Even though this was Snow's house, where he lived and ate and planned his murderous plans, it's still a very beautiful house. It looks vintage and classy. I like it. I turn into a new corridor and nearly bump into a female figure.

"Enobaria?!" I exclaim in amazement. "You look ... different."

She smiles, it's not a grin this time but an actual smile. "Finally got rid of these ridiculous teeth."

"Ridiculous t-...What?"

"Please," she rolls her eyes. "I thought you of all people would've realized that it wasn't my own choice. I hated those teeth. They made me look like some ancient deep-sea creature."

"But..." I'm still in shock after her teeth-announcement. "But you did kill someone with your teeth so why wouldn't you...?"

"Come on, Johanna!" she says as if it's absurd that I don't understand. "Do you honestly approve of all your killings?"

My first instinct is to scream 'no!' because I don't approve of any of my killings but I doubt that's what she means. I think back to one of my final kills in my first Hunger Games. I had a fight with Elisa, the girl from District five and I had already gouged out her eyes before I finally killed her. Her eyeless face had haunted me the most after my victory. So now I understand Enobaria.

"Then why didn't Snow make me have the most ridiculous nails you've ever seen?"

"Because he already planned on prostituting you. You were wanted by a lot of people, I wasn't."

It makes sense. It's confusing, but it makes sense.

"So that's why you voted yes to the final Hunger Games? Because you-"

"Because I hated the Capitol as much as you did, yes," she nods.

"Wow," I breathe. "That is quite a confession."

"Well," she grins, "there's no one here to punish me for it anymore, is there."

I smile widely because she's right. We can say whatever we want, we can do whatever we want. "No there isn't."

"So," she says after a few seconds of silence, "What are you going to do now? Go with Katniss to Twelve or maybe with Gale to Two?"

I shake my head. "No, I think I'm going to travel through all the districts, see where they need help. I bet there's a lot of rebuilding to do... By the way, why would you think I'd be going to Two with Gale?"

She chuckles. "Please, you two... Pretty obvious."

I feel I'm blushing but I'm not really embarrassed. It happened. It was fun but it's not what I want right now.

"It was just one kiss. And well, maybe in the future but not now."

She nods. "Too soon, right. I know."

I stare at her for a few seconds. It's the first honest conversation I've ever had with her. Hell, it's the only real conversation I've ever had with her!

"You know, you're actually not that bad," I say, and I mean it. I've always hated her for what I thought she was but now that I know she wasn't that person at all, I can't hate her anymore.

"I can't say I disagree. I guess we just were what the Capitol made us to be...But I'd still slap you again if you ever make fun of my very temporary Gloss-crush again!"

I chuckle. "Well, don't make fun of Finnick and we're good."

We shake hands in a way of making a pact between former enemies. A symbol for saying goodbye to the past.

"So," she begins, "You'd like a companion for your trip around Panem? Doing something for the districts would be a nice change for me... My reputation could use an upgrade."

I nod. "So could mine. You can tag along...You're not someone who talks all day long, are you? Because if that's the case..."

"Oh shut up and be happy you have a companion! I hate to break it to you, honey, but you should be happy someone wants to be your companion!" she says.

"Excuse me? I could just easily un-invite you!" I say, pretending to be offended.

"Uh-uh. No way. Yes is yes. No changing your mind. I'm coming with you, Mason, whether you like it or not!"

"Guess you better start packing then."

"No need to. I don't have that much stuff left anyway. And a complete start-over is a complete start-over. Let's go."

"I just need to do one last thing before we go. Give me thirty minutes."

* * *

I open the door to the roof of the training centre. It's been such a long time since I was last here and so much has happened since then. The Quarter Quell, the rebellion, the war…

As I walk over to the place where Finnick and I spent most of our free time, I'm suddenly afraid someone will have been up here and taken everything away. But as I arrive, I see the bench and the table are untouched. Even the liquor cabinet is still stacked with alcohol. Everything is exactly how Finnick and I left it.

But there has been someone up here though, and has made one big change in the scenery. There's a golden plate on the floor next to the bench. I walk over to see what it says.

_Dedicated to:_

_Haymitch Abernathy_

_Johanna Mason_

_Finnick Odair_

_And_

_Chaff Taber_

_Victors and Rebels of Panem_

_~ The ones who stand up after everything else has fallen are the bravest. ~_

I wipe a tear off my cheek. Apparently people knew all along we were up here. And here I was, thinking this was the only place where the Capitol couldn't get. But it's all over now, nothing to be mad about anymore. I'm happy people have set up some kind of memorial here. It seems appropriate.

I take a seat on the bench and take a small piece of paper out of the pocket of my jacket. It's been in there for two days. I fold it open with my right hand and read it one last time, holding a picture in my left hand.

_Finnick,_

_This letter is my goodbye to you. You know I'm not good with words so it won't be long. Thank you for all the years of friendship and love you gave me. Even though we lived in hell, I had the time of my life with you and I'll never forget that. We will always be Madair and Odason, no matter what. I love you. I'll miss you terribly. You were the best friend anyone could wish for._

_Love always, Johanna_

I don't bother wiping the tears off my face anymore because there are too many. I fold the letter back up and look at the picture. It's one from my Victory Tour, taken in District Four. It's a very plain photo. Finnick is smiling widely, his arm draped around my shoulder. I'm scowling at the camera. There are two words scribbled on the back: the beginning. Finnick's handwriting is terrible but the words are readable.

I take a lighter out of my pocket and burn the piece of paper while whispering a goodbye. The picture goes back into my pocket.

The picture was the beginning, the letter the end.


	28. Thank you

I know I shouldn't be giving a thank you-speech since this is only a fictional story that has just ended, but I feel obligated to thank you anyway. So I sincerely thank all my reviewers, you made my day just by typing in a few words. Also, everyone who didn't review but still read the story, thank you for taking to time to read it.

Now on to the special thank yous:

Ellie82, I loved how invested you were in this story and I appreciate every single one of your reviews. They really boosted my confidence.

TheWomanWhoCodesAndWrites, you started reviewing more towards the end of the story but your reviews were really constructive and, as did Ellie82's, they made me confident about my writing.

Other people who I'd like to thank are Hawkeye Obsessed, Nothing2000 and sghope.

Then, the most special thank you goes to Arowana Flounder. You were my inspiration, my role model and my District 7 buddy. I'd like to think of you as my mentor (consider this one of the biggest compliments you can get!).

There might be a sequel to this story but I'm not sure about it. If I do decide to write one, then it won't be very soon. Johanna is still my favourite character but I'd like to broaden my horizons a bit and explore some other interesting characters.

I hope everyone liked reading it. I cannot thank you enough.

- Emme

P.s.: This is my first finished multi-chapter story so I'm actually very proud of myself…


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